Fearing Love

Nights, when I lay in bed
Things run through my mind
The thoughts of fear and trouble
Risks and consequences soon to arise
Within my heart, within my soul, I ask myself
“Why do I feel so empty?” “What taunts me to think this way?” “How am I able to breathe?”
When I look into the dark sky, I want to see the stars
The stars at night calm me, fill me with the everlasting tranquility
Inspires me to want to travel through the galaxies,
Far and wide for however long it shall take me
To feel free, but not alone.
To feel loved, to feel at home
I want to love, but there is no love
Why is there no love? Where is the love?
It’s there, but I don’t see it
For me, I don’t want to see it
The last time I loved, it broke me
To the point where I couldn’t eat for days
Just rotting my pain away
Blaming myself for the cause,
When really they were the cause of it all.
It made me not trust, it made me not see
It made me close doors, chances to what things could’ve possibly been
Never wanted children, never wanted marriage,
But now contemplating on life, starting to have second thoughts.
Now as I feel safe, do I really feel safe?
I want to feel safe, but I hate feeling this way.
When he’s not there, I miss being with him
It’s like he belongs here, but cannot be here
I understand it’s the same for me
But I feel afraid, I feel afraid to love again
I’m afraid of getting hurt again
There are nights when I want to be held
There are days when I want to be held
The way he holds me, is the vibe that I desire.
This feeling, is a good feeling
So why do I contemplate on this connection?
That’s why I do my thinking at night.
At nights, when I lay in my bed
Things run through my mind
The thoughts of fear and trouble
Risks and consequences soon to arise
Love is my fear, so much responsibility
To handle, to maintain
To jump through hurdles day by day
It’s a hard test to pass
Love is what I fight, but love is what I want
Love is my challenge in life.