Queerplatonic Confusion

Sometimes I wonder if I have a crush on you
If the reason I don't like anybody
Is because I've secretly been in love with you this whole time
Like the character on the screen
That everyone is screaming at
But they're just too blind to see it.

It's probably just the denial talking,
My inability to accept that I'm diffferent
Even though I know it's okay
Because it's okay for other people
Just not for me
Because that would mean breaking younger me's heart
So maybe it's just safer to project this desire
Onto someone I know won't reciprocate
Not that I'd ever tell you anyway

Sometimes I think we should date
Except nothing would change
Except maybe we'd call each other girlfriends
And kiss every once in a while
Not in a sexual or romantic way
Just a form of physical affection like any other
Except different

It's probably just that I've internalized
Society's message that to be single is to settle
To be lonely
And I'm scared to be alone

I've probably just romanticized the idea,
No pun intended,
Because I don't actually think I want things between us to change
But I can't help but wonder-

Do I get excited when you text me
Because I don't get to see you
And I miss you,
Or is it something more?

Was I envious of your situationship
Because I don't get to see you
And I felt left out,
Or was it something more?

I don't think I want it to be something more
That's too complicated
And scary
And as long as we love each other,
Why should it matter what form that love takes?

Still, it would be nice to know
What form my love has taken