trip - a dedication

it’s 2 am
and i’m walking
beneath the reflection of the stars
on the ice
along the winding, cement road 
2 hours away from home
because i can't sleep
knowing someone with a heart as pure as yours
was taken from this world
spontaneously
selfishly.
i feel like a fool for ever believing in a higher being
because they wouldn’t have ever let a boy like you go.
i can't sleep
afraid
someone else i love will be next,
afraid
i might be next
not for my sake
but for everyone else’s.

it’s 2 am and i’m drinking vodka from the handle
alone
looking at the reflection of my father through the svedka glass
not because i want to be drunk,
but because otherwise i know i’ll never sleep again
at least not for a while
hoping maybe if my world is spinning
i’ll forget you aren’t in it anymore,
i’ll forget i never got to say goodbye,
i’ll forget the feeling at 4:17 pm today in the bathroom at work when my heart dropped,
and it felt as though the world had stopped,
or the feeling of hopelessness i felt in the car when i realized i have to attend your funeral
life reminding me you aren’t coming back
because my mind is trying so hard to repress the fact.

it’s 2 am and i miss you like crazy
more importantly
i miss how you made everyone else around me feel
because whenever you were in the room
everyone forgot life around them
and were all platonically happy
smiling until it hurt
laughing until they couldn’t breathe.

it’s 2 am and i’m afraid to close my eyes
picturing you on the coach covered in vomit
pale and empty,
no longer full of life.
i know everyone will mourn for weeks
months
years
and certainly never forget you,
but to prevent myself from crying anymore
i hope you are in a better place
after living your 16 years of life to the fullest
i’m glad that i was lucky enough to have known you.

- we miss you, trip.