When Diodorus sailed from Egypt's shore
His prize to take at Rome, Philaenis swore,
If he returned, she'ld give him that sweet kiss
Which even Sabine matrons know is bliss.
His ship was wrecked, but through the raging main
He swam to land her promise to obtain.
Yet even so he seems a laggard spouse:
I'ld ne'er embark if my girl made such vows.

Rhea , thou shouldst have chosen for thy son
This day that saw our lord of Thunder's birth
And sweet Caesonia's. In all the earth
Is none that owes her mother more and none
More glad than he, her Sire, to bless the morn
Whereon his Caesar and his child were born.

You play, Agathinus, a most risky game,
But you can't get your buckler to fall all the same;
When you shun it, it follows, returning through air,
And lights on your finger-tips, foot, back, or hair.
The stage may be wet with the red saffron rain,
And the boisterous wind make all awnings seem vain,
But unheeded it runs o'er the boy's careless limbs
Not baffled by showers or the breeze's mad whims.
Though you try to go wrong you can't do it at all;
It will need all your skill if the shield is to fall.

Whilst in your room you deck your beauty bright,
Next door the coiffeur braids your lovely hair,
Your frocks and teeth are laid away at night,
So portioned out in boxes here and there
You lie, and your complexion sleeps elsewhere;
Beneath a brow, remodelled day by day,
Your eye still ogles men. Be reverent, pray,
Nor hawk about each prehistoric charm:
Though love is dull and dim of sight they say,
He sees you well enough to take alarm.

The Phrygian youth, delight of the other Jove,
Had seen our Emperor's darling from above
With hair new-shorn, and cried, " Great ruler, now
Grant me what Caesar doth his boy allow.
Down's on my cheeks concealed beneath these locks,
And Juno calls me man and jeers and mocks."
To him — " My sweetest boy," the Sire replied,
" Your wish by facts and not by me is denied.
Our Caesar has a thousand boys like thee;
His palace scarce can hold their company.
But if shorn hair should give thee a man's face,
I should have no one left my board to grace.

These are the tricks that you devise to pay for hospitality,
You forge a hundred silly lies and state them as reality,
You know King Ferdinand's design discussed in far Bulgaria,
And what reserves are on the Rhine, their numbers in Bavaria,
Haig's last dispatches you have conned while still undried the ink of them,
You see the victor laurels donned before the soldiers think of them.
You tell the Tigris' rise in feet, and what the flood has meant to us.
How many pounds of maize or meat America has sent to us.

The King of Gods beheld our Flavian shrine
And mocked his own on Ida for a cheat;
Deep were the cups he quaffed of nectar sweet,
Ere for Rome's patron, Mars, he poured the wine.
Phoebus and Dian there he saw recline
By Hercules and duteous Mercury,
And said, " Ye built my fane of old in Crete;
But Caesar is more dutiful than ye."

In the baths what is now the most pleasing diversion
Is to go and see Maro displaying his person.

Give me the girl who's always willing,
Who can suffice for lovers three,
Whose price complete is just one shilling,
Who gives my man what she gives me.
Let Frenchmen in their arms enfold
Fine ladies with their silks and all,
They care for nothing else but gold,
Give me the girl who wears a shawl.

V ELIUS , what time he hastened to the wars,
For our great Caesar vowed a goose to Mars.
The moon had scarce eight times in circle met
When lo, the god claimed payment of the debt.
The bird rejoicing to the altar came
And fell a humble victim in the flame.
See those eight coins that hang from out its beak:
'Twould say — " For this I hid them" — could it speak,
When victims thus with silver truth reveal,
They show us, Sire, there is no need for steel.