Classic Poem

Enough, the Bible is by wits arraign'd,
Genteel men doubt it, smart men say it's feign'd,
Onward my powder'd beaux and boobies throng,
As puppies float the kennel's stream along.
But their defects to varnish, and, in spite
Of pride and dignity, resolv'd to write,
I seiz'd the work myself. Straight, in a cloud
Of night involv'd, to Scotia's realms I rode.
There, in the cobwebs of a college room,
I found my best Amanuensis, Hume,
And bosom'd in his breast. On dreams afloat,
The youth soar'd high, and, as I prompted, wrote.
Sublimest nonsense there I taught mankind,
Pure, genuine dross, from gold seven times refin'd.
From realm to realm the strains exalted rung,
And thus the sage, and thus his teacher, sung.
All things roll on, by fix'd eternal laws;
Yet no effect depends upon a cause:
Hence every law was made by Chance divine,
Parent most fit of order, and design!
Earth was not made, but happen'd: Yet, on earth,
All beings happen, by most stated birth;
Each thing miraculous; yet strange to tell,
Not God himself can shew a miracle.
Mean time, lest these great things, the vulgar mind,
With learning vast, and deep research, should blind,
Lest dull to read, and duller still when known,
My favorite scheme should mould, and sleep, alone;
To France I posted, on the wings of air,
And fir'd the labors of the gay Voltaire.
He, light and gay, o'er learning's surface flew,
And prov'd all things at option, false or true.
The gospel's truths he saw were airy dreams,
The shades of nonsense, and the whims of whims.
Before his face no Jew could tell what past;
Or know the right from left, the first from last;
Conjecture where his native Salem stood,
Or find, if Jordan had a bank, or flood.
The Greeks, and Romans, never truth descried;
But always (when they proved the gospel) lied.
He, he alone, the blest retreat had smelt,
The Well, where long with frogs, the goddess dwelt;
In China dug, at Chihohamti's call,
And curb'd with bricks, the refuse of his wall.
There, mid a realm of cheat, a world of lies,
Where alter'd nature wears one great disguise,
Where shrunk, mishapen bodies mock the eye,
And shrivell'd souls the power of thought deny,
Mid idiot Mandarins, and baby Kings,
And dwarf Philosophers, in leading-strings,
Mid senseless votaries of less senseless Fo,
Wretches who nothing even seem'd to know,
Bonzes, with souls more naked than their skin,
All brute without, and more than brute within,
From Europe's rougher sons the goddess shrunk,
Tripp'd in her iron shoes, and sail'd her junk.
Nice, pretty, wondrous stories there she told,
Of empires, forty thousand ages old,
Of Tohi, born with rainbows round his nose,—
Lao's long day—Ginseng alchymic dose—
Stories, at which all Behmen's dreams awake,
Start into truth, and sense and virtue speak;
To which, all, lisping children e'er began
With, “At a time,” or “Once there was a man,”
Is reason, truth, and fact; and sanctioned clear
With heaven's own voice, or proof of eye and ear.
He too reveal'd, that candour bade mankind
Believe my haughty rival weak, and blind;
That all things wrong a ruling God denied;
Or a satanic imp that God implied
An imp, per chance of power and skill possest,
But not with justice, truth, or goodness blest.
Doctrines divine! would men their force receive,
And live to Satan's glory, as believe.
Nor these alone: from every class of man,
I gain'd new aids to build the darling plan.
But chief his favorite class, his priests, I won,
To undermine his cause, and prop my own.
Here Jesuitic art its frauds combin'd
To draw ten thousand cobwebs o'er the mind.
In poisoned toils the flutterer to inclose,
And fix, with venom'd fangs, eternal woes.
On sceptic dross they stamp'd heavens image bright,
And nam'd their will a wisp, immortal light,
Thro' moors, and fens, the sightless wanderer led,
'Till down he plung'd, ingulph'd among the dead.
To life, Socinus here his millions drew,
In ways, the art of Heaven conceal'd from view,
Undeified the world's almighty trust,
And lower'd eternity's great sire to dust.
He taught, O first of men! the Son of God,
Who hung the globe, and stretch'd the heavens abroad,
Spoke into life the sun's supernal fire,
And mov'd to harmony the flaming choir,
Who in his hand immensity infolds,
And angels, worlds, and suns, and heavens, upholds,
Is—what? a worm, on far creation's limb,
A minim, in intelligence extreme.
O wondrous gospel, where such doctrines rise!
Discoveries wondrous of most wondrous eyes!
From him, a darling race descended fair,
Even to this day my first and chiefest care,
When pertest Priestly calls mankind, to see
His own corruptions of christianity.