Classic Poem

In vain you think, to get a Good Name, by
Inhospitable Hospitality;
Which makes us your Good-Fellowship avoid,
Since it is rather suffer'd, than enjoy'd;
For your Friends by your Kindness are destroy'd;
So, but Affronts your Invitations grow,
Made, to make Friends sick of your Wine, and you;
Who, for your Kindness, dread your Company,
Since kind to them, but to their Injury,
Making them drink, till they grow more a-dry;
To make them merry, till they grow more sad,
And are worse treated, as more welcome made;
Till your Love less is by more Kindness shown,
Drinking your Friends Health, till you leave them none;
Making them so Good Company, till they
Have not a Thought to think, or Word to say;
You make them swallow Meat, Drink, Nonsense too,
Till they more empty, more you fill 'em, grow;
You fill their Guts, only to make 'em Burst,
And Drink with you, till you quench Life, not Thirst;
So Treat not your Friends, but your Enemies,
But their Diseases, and Infirmities,
Till each, by Life's Supports, the sooner dies;
Then, if you'd Treat your Friends most gen'rously,
Press nothing on 'em, but their Liberty;
And if you wou'd seem Bountiful, and Free,
Of Freedom, then, that Dainty let it be,
The greatest Kindness you cou'd show to me;
Your Wine, and Wit, sophisticated still,
Make me not swallow then, against my Will;
Which wou'd alike, make your Friends sick of you,
And Spue, with too much Talk, press'd on 'em too;
Therefore, let others Talk, thy Wit to show;
Our Tender Ears, and Nice Tastes, do not pall,
With so much History, Dull Froth, or Ale,
And let thy Jest, no more than Wit, be stale;
No more than thy Beef, to want Salt, to be,
The better Entertainment sure, for me;
If me you wou'd still, with most Kindness Treat,
Force not on me, your Wit, your Wine, or Meat;
Since we with forc'd Wit, as forc'd Wine, are made,
By that which shou'd make more our Mirth, more sad;
Do not, by your too Luscious Compliment,
Eating, with Invitations, more prevent;
Since Ceremony will, in Eating, prove
Our Pleasures Interruption, as in Love;
But, if you say, That any Friend shall be,
To any Flesh, in your House, always free.
And in more welcome (as we have been told
Oft by you) as he with it makes more Bold;
Your Fine Wife's Flesh then, my best Choice shou'd be,
Who, for my Belly-ful, thou giv'st to me,
Wou'd give to her, her Belly-ful for thee;
She, better emptying my Belly, wou'd
Treat me, than by your Filling it, you cou'd;
So, for thy Drinking thy self Drunk, for me,
I Reason to thy Wife, shou'd do for thee;
For since you, by your Drinking for me so,
Less Reason to your Wife, as made to do;
'Tis just, I Reason do to her for you.