Classic Poem

'Mongst all the hard names that denote reproach,
The worst in the whole catalogue is Scotch;
For rascal, rakehell, vagabond, vile sot,
Are only faint synonyms to a Scot.
To what a height then mounts that mighty he
Who is whole Scotland in epitome!
Imperious layman first, then lofty priest,
A trimming Jew, half Mahomet, half Christ,
Rebel in heart, though loyalist in tongue
While Charles's praises he demurely sung;
When native loyalty was stamped on all
And just obedience epidemical
None so devoutly mourned the martyr's blood,
Nor seemingly the faction's growth withstood,
'Till daring saints a glorious turn afford
To brand his master and betray his lord.
Officious Shimei then withdrew his mask,
Obliged his patrons and outdid his task;
And Lauderdale a sacrifice must fall,
Abused at Glasgow, ruined at Whitehall.
Thus the state Proteus swallowed up the priest
Henceforth he spurned the crown and clawed the beast.
Assemblies now are only treason clubs
And sermons cant to please the gaping mob;
Cabals and mutinies all o'er the land
Shimei proclaims for signs of God's right hand,
And spies deliverance approach from far
As plain as e'er the Magi viewed their star.
Thus the vile wretch exalts his traitorous crest
And vents the rancour of his cankered breast,
'Till royal vengeance roused its awful head
And Shimei justice and his country fled.
Our laws (to traitors famously severe)
Thundered him hence and topped him on Myn Heer.
Scarce had the church's and the nation's plague
Escaped the deep and landed at The Hague,
When a new sect of jovial saints appear,
Accost the vagrant, and dispel his fear,
Crave his assistance in the godly work
To enslave this country and exalt the kirk.
Shimei, surprised at his successful fate
To ease his spleen and gratify his hate,
With joy concurs and ratifies assent
By speaking quick as lewdly as he meant
" Would you my friends effect what you've begun?
Against the father stimulate the son?
Our thoughtful enemy's most constant care
Centers on apish herd and frivolous prayer.
Heaven and such fooleries have seized his breast,
No jealous thoughts disturb his pious rest,
And we the glorious work may half have done
Before he'll be persuaded we've begun.
We'll whore his wife and bastardize his son;
If proof's required we'll then outface the sun,
Exalt their jealousies, foment their fears
Of French invisible about their ears;
Of leagues and massacres we'll coin whole shoals,
(To gull the credulous and fright the fools)
'Till startled loyalty shall cease to act,
Tamely look on while we the cause transact. "
He spake and all the motley herd approved.
This is the spring that all their actions moved.
Success has made the counselor admired,
Since Lucifer has blessed what he desired.
Shimei no more appears in native rug,
Quits native bonnet too, and native shrug.
All gay, defiles the court amongst the rest,
And mounts his merits higher than the best.
When lo! beyond the brute's aspiring hopes,
An aged pillar from poor Sion drops,
And Shimei's creature (who then ruled the roast)
In reverend pillar's place fixed brawny post.
Dear Mother, sure he ne'er thy good intends
Who thinks such ravening wolves can prove thy friends.
This parricide has left thee in the lurch,
Disgraced the order and betrayed the church.
For foppish Durham's self compared to him
Appears a bright angelic seraphim;
In vain did Rome attempt that sect to form,
For daring Shimei was a Jesuit born.
Mischief's his essence, tyranny his will,
Good his antipodes, his center ill.
His justice cheat, all his religion trick,
His prayers are banter, and his God Old Nick.
His noise of virtue and his prate of grace
Are birdlime twigs to catch the greatening mace,
And all the medley politics new stamped
Are Hobbes's and Milton's atheism new vamped.
Good Gods, what pious doctrine would come next
Could he gain Lambeth and reform the text?
But time is precious, though my subject's vile;
Therefore, for once, let's use laconic style
I scorn to wish him Hell; it's sad to be endured.
Howe'er, he knows how it may be procured.
He wants prayers most; may this prayer be his doom:
(A Scotchman's greatest plague) God send him home.