Classic Poem

They say, George Perry, you're a lawyer. Well,
At least that's your profession, but in fact,
Law's like religion (though, the truth to tell,
The likeness is not otherwise exact)
In this, that in them both, my learned brother,
Profession's one thing, practice quite another.

But you do practice, for the other day
I saw you mentioned in a case in court,
Cross-questioning a witness. I must say
You did it as a cat that loves to sport
With an unworthy mouse all too unwilling
To accept the justice of repeated killing.

This witness, so the tale is told to me,
Fatigued of your attempt upon his life —
I mean his reputation — made him free
With yours, affirming that you beat your wife.
If that is true (they say that it upset you)
She must be monstrous cowardly to let you!

You hold it right to torture men who come
(Heaven knows unwillingly) to aid the law,
So that by terror of your tongue made dumb
They can't tell rightly what they heard or saw.
" Impeaching credibility, " you call it
When, seeing an honest looking head, you maul it.

Well, witnesses are fallible — involved
Sometimes in scandals; and 'tis true that they
Are factors in the problem to be solved,
The judge and jury led by what they say.
But lawyers — they are factors too, their problem
Being foolish clients and how best to rob them.

They've more to say than witnesses, and more
Important 'tis that they be truthful, too.
Were't not, then, right the witness take the floor
And mercilessly cross-examine you ?
Were truth your jewel (bless us! what a setting!)
I've certain questions that would set you sweating!

Nay, don't be fidgeting; to ask them here
Were perilous, for I no license hold
To be a blackguard; and no judge is near
To jail you for replies too sharp and bold.
Besides, it were no easy task to shame you,
And till I'm paid a fee I'll not defame you.

You see I lack advantages that you
Possess, and therefore cannot be so brave.
Who has, and uses, them's respected; who
Has not, yet bullies, is a scurril knave —
Though, faith, the difference is narrow, very,
By which a knave's distinguished from a Perry.

You served, if rightly I remember, once
A term in the State Legislature, where
You figured merely as a harmless dunce,
Save when, ambitious, in the larger air
Of rhetoric you held the floor a season
To give yourself for sin sufficient reason.

Thus a great bird whose nature is in doubt
With difficulty rises from the earth,
His wide wings spreading with an effort out,
And shows by his unconscionable girth
E'er yet the agitated air insult your
Resentful nose, he's but a glutted vulture.

Touching these matters I would fain inquire
If I but had you on the witness-grill,
Over the slow but efficacious fire
Of cross-examination; and I'd kill
The worm with quite insensible gradation,
And quench the fire with great deliberation.

What, you're no worse than other lawyers? Well,
I never said you were, my little man.
Do you suppose I run this private Hell
For one small soul? 'Tis your entire clan
I'm trying to barbecue, despite their pleadings.
Get out, you brat! you hamper the proceedings!