Classic Poem

When cousin Sam come down vrom Lon'on,
Along at vu'st I wer so mad wi'n,
He thought hizzelf so very cunnen;
But eet, vor all, what fun we had wi'n!
Why, if a goose did only wag her taïl,
An' come a-hissen at his lags, she'd zet en
A-meäken off behine a wall or raïl
A-wa'ken, but as vast as sheäme would let en.
Or if a zow did nod her lop-ear'd head,
A-trotten an' a-grunten wi' her litter,
She'd put the little chap in zich a twitter,
His vaïce did quiver in his droat wi' dread.
An' if a bull did screäpe the groun' an' bleäre,
His dizzy head did poke up every heäir.
An' eet he thought hizzelf a goodish rider,
An' we all thought there werden many woo'se;
'E zot upon the meäre so scram's a spider,
A-holden on the web o'n, when 'tis loose.
Oone day, when we wer all a little idle,
He zaid he'd have a ride upon the hoss a bit.
An' Sorrel , when she vound en pull the bridle
In his queer way, begun to prance an' toss a bit.
An' he did knit his brows, an' scwold the meäre,
An' she ageän did trample back an' rear,
A-wonderen who 'twer she had to zit zoo,
An' what queer han' did tuggy at her bit zoo.
But when she got her head a little rightish,
She carr'd en off, while we did nearly split
Our zides a-laefen, vor to zee en zit,
If zit he did, an' that did meäke en spitish.
Zoo on 'e rod so fine, a-poken out
His two splaÿ veet avore en, all astrout,
A-flappen up his elbows, lik' two wings,
To match the hosses steps, wi' timely springs.
But there, poor Sam'el hadden gone
Droo hwome-groun' when wold Sorrel shied
At zome'hat there, an' sprung azide
An' shot off Sam'el lik' a bag o' bron.
'E vell, 'tis true, upon a grassy hump,
But nearly squilch'd his breath out wi' the thump.
An' squot the sheenen hat 'e wore,
An' laïd wi' all his lim's a-spread,
An' seemenly so loose an' dead
'S a doll a-cast upon a vloor.
When Cousin Sam come down vrom Lon'on,
He thought hizzelf so very cunnen.