Classic Poem

Three physicians of London for Yorkshire set out,
Where an earl's noble stomach was stormed by the gout;
And to guard the good peer from all future assault,
They physicked him into his family vault.
Derry down, &c.

Well paid by his heir, they departed for town,
Saying, " We'll travel up since my lord travels down ;
But at Newark we'll sup, where let each down his throttle
Pour a large dose of port without shaking the bottle. "

At their inn three roast fowls Doctor Calomel chose,
Which fat Doctor Fingerfee didn't oppose;
And cried Doctor Isaacs (though he was a Jew),
" Pray garnish dem fowls mid a sausage or two. "

Though the wine was as thick as the three doctors' heads,
They had three pints apiece, and then called for their beds.
Molly chambermaid stared when, with looks mighty grand,
Doctor Calomel bid her pull off his right hand.

When Calomel's hand was pulled off to put by,
Doctor Fingerfee growled, " Hussy, take out my eye! "
Doctor Isaacs, more mild, said, " Wrap dese up in towels,
And mind you don't lose dem, my love — dey're my bowels. "

In the pantry the chambermaid stowed all these articles
Of the three learned doctors profound in catharticals;
But a hound while they slept, and ne'er dreamed of the matter,
Swallowed up all their property out of the platter.

Cried the maid the next morning, " I've lost through magicians
A hand and an eye of two Christian physicians;
Then the wizen Jew doctor, as thin as a lizard,
How he'll grumble in all he has left — that's his gizzard! "

But Invention arrived in the midst of her crosses
And bade her repair, not lament o'er her losses;
" A blind thief hangs, " says she, " on the gibbet hard by: —
I'll go cut off his hand — but then how get an eye? "

By chance a tom-cat had expired in the night;
And his eye served for Fingerfee's lost orb of sight;
Then a hog had been butchered — a porker well-grown —
Whose chitterlins Jews might mistake for their own.

Doctor Calomel rose — in this farce the first actor —
And put on the hand of the blind malefactor;
Doctor Fingerfee next drew his purse from his pocket,
Tipped Molly, and popped the cat's eye in his socket.

Isaacs stowed the intestines; all three left the inn.
" I've cheated two Christians, " said Moll, with a grin;
" And how mad the Jew doctor would be should he know
That half his inside is hog's liver and crow! "

Soon a dame, grown with plethora red in the face,
Called the three doctors in to consider her case;
They withdrew to consult; first they talked of the weather,
And next of their supping at Newark together.

Doctor Calomel muttered, " I can't understand
Since we came from the north, what can ail my right hand;
Not content with its fees, as I walk through the street,
It dives into all the folks' pockets I meet.

" My disorder, " said Fingerfee, " claims more remark —
I never can close my left eye in the dark;
So wakeful I've grown, that this morning at four
I sprang out of bed at a mouse on the floor. "

Doctor Isaacs exclaimed, in a pitiful note,
" Dear broders, you see now I've dirtied my coat;
'Tis a wonderful ting, but I can't pass a slough,
Till I roll myshelf in it, just like an old sow. "

Now success to the LEARNED of famed W ARWICK Lane !
Their profession far be it from me to profane!
I shall hurt no physician, I trust, in the nation
By a laugh at such methods of INOCULATION .