Classic Poem

ACT I. Scene I.

L ADY T EMPEST AND L ATITAT .

l LATITATT .

I TELL you, Lady Tempest —

LADY TEMPEST .

And I tell you, Mr. Latitat, it shall not be. — I'll have no Society of Antiquaries meet here. None but the honourable Members of the Coterie shall assemble here, you shall know.

LATITAT .

Suspend your rage, Lady Tempest, and let me open my brief. Have you not this day, moved by the instigation of the devil, and not having the fear of God before your eyes, wilfully and wittingly and maliciously, driven all my friends out of my house? Was it done like a Woman of Quality?

LADY TEMPEST .

It was done like a Woman of Spirit: a character, it shall ever be my task to maintain.

Air .

Away with your maxims, and dull formal rules,
The shackles of pleasure, and trammels of fools;
For wisdom and prudence I care not a straw,
I'll act as I please, for my will is my law.

LATITAT .

But upon my soul, Madam, I have one more consideration which should especially move you to bridle your passion: for it spoils your face. When you knocked down Lord Rust with the bust of Marcus Aurelius, you looked the very picture of the Alecto last taken out of the Herculaneum.

Air .

Passion worse than age will plough
Furrows on the frowning brow;
Rage and passion will disgrace
Every beauty of he face;
Whilst good-nature will supply
Beauties, which can never die.

LADY TEMPEST .

Mr. Latitat, I won't be abused — Did I for this condescend to forget my quality and marry such a tautology of nothing? — I will not be abused.

Scene II.

D ISTORT , L ATITAT , L ADY T EMPEST .

DISTORT .

Pray, Madam, what has enraged you? May I have the honour of knowing?

LATITAT .

Mr. Distort shall be our referee.

LADY TEMPEST .

That is, if I please, sir.

LATITAT .

Pray, my Lady, let me state the case, and you may afterwards make a reply — you must know, sir —

LADY TEMPEST .

Yes, sir, you must know, this morning Mr. Latitat had invited all his antiquated friends, Lord Rust, Horatio Trefoil, Col. Tragedus, Professor Vase, and Counterfeit the Jew, to sit upon a brass half-penny, which being a little worn, they agreed, nem. con ., to be an Otho.

LATITAT .

And it is further necessary to be known, that, while we were all warm in debate upon the premises, my lady made a forcible entry into the parlour, and seizing an antique bust of Marcus Aurelius, of malice prepense and aforethought, did, with three blows of the said bust, knock down Anthony, Viscount Rust, and —

LADY TEMPEST .

And drove them all out of the house.

LATITAT .

And furthermore —

LADY TEMPEST .

Silence, Mr. Latitat, — I insist on the privilege of English wife.

LATITAT .

And moreover —

DISTORT .

Nay, Counsellor, as I am your referee, I command silence: pray what do you lay your damages at?

LATITAT .

My lady has in her cabinet a Jupiter Tonans, which, in spite of all my endeavours to open her eyes, she persists in calling an Indian Pagod, and upon condition of my receiving that, I drop the prosecution.

DISTORT

'Tis a trifle, Madam, let him have it, it may turn to account.

LADY TEMPEST .

A very toy: he shall have it instantly, on condition I have the use of my tongue.

Air .

What are all our favourite joys?
What are [all] our pleasures?