Reprisal, The - Act 1
ACT I.
SCENE I.
Heartly , Brush .
Brush .
Well, if this be taking diversion on the water, God send me safe on English ground! and if ever I come in sight of the Sea again, may a watry grave be my portion. — First, to be terrified with the thoughts of drowning — Secondly, to be tossed and tumbled about like a foot-ball — Thirdly, to be drenched with Sea-water — Fourthly, to be stunk to death with pitch and tar and the savoury scent of my fellow-sufferers — Fifthly, to be racked with perpetual puking ['till my guts are turned inside out] — And sixthly and lastly, to be taken prisoner and plundered by the French!
Heartly .
Enough — Enough —
Brush .
Enough! — aye, and to spare — I wish I could give part to those who envy my good fortune — But, how will the good Lady Bloomwell moralize when she finds her daughter Miss Harriet is fallen into the hands of Monsieur de Champignon?
Heartly .
No more — that reflection alarms me! — yet I have nothing to fear — as there is no war declared, we shall soon be released: and in the mean time the French will treat us with their usual politeness.
Brush .
Pox on their politeness! ah, master! commend me to the blunt sincerity of the true surly British mastiff — The rascallion that took my purse bowed so low, and paid me so many compliments, that I ventured to argue the matter in hopes of convincing him he was in the wrong — but he soon stopped my mouth with a vengeance, by clapping a cocked pistol to my ear, and telling me he should have the honour to blow my brains out — Another of those polite gentlemen begged leave to exchange hats with me — A third fell in love with my silver shoe-buckles — Nay, that very individual nice buttock of beef, which I had just begun to survey with looks of desire, after the dismal evacuation I had undergone, was ravished from my sight by two famished French wolves, who beheld it with equal joy and astonishment.
Heartly .
I must confess they plundered us with great dexterity and dispatch; and even Monsieur de Champignon the commander did not keep his hands clear of the pillage — An instance of rapaciousness I did not expect to meet with in a gentleman and an officer. — Sure he will behave as such to Harriet!
Brush .
Faith! not to flatter you, Sir, I take him to be one of those fellows who owe their good fortune to nothing less than their good works — He first rifled your mistress, and then made love to her with great gallantry — but you was in the right to call yourself her brother — if he knew you were his rival you might pass your time very disagreeably.
Heartly .
There are two officers on board, who seem to disapprove of his conduct; they would not be concerned in robbing us, nor would they suffer their soldiers to take any share of the prey, but condoled Harriet and me on our misfortune, with marks of real concern.
Brush .
You mean lieutenant Oclabber and ensign Maclaymore, a couple of damn'd renegadoes! — you lean upon a broken reed if you trust to their compassion.
Heartly .
Oclabber I knew at Paris, when I travelled with my brother, and he then bore the character of an honest man and a brave officer — The other is an Highlander, excluded (I suppose) from his own country on account of the late rebellion; for that reason, perhaps, more apt to pity the distressed. — I see them walking this way in close conference — While I go down to the cabin to visit my dear Harriet, you may lounge about and endeavour to over-hear their conversation.
SCENE II.
O CLABBER , M ACLAYMORE .
O CLABBER .
Arrah, for what? — I don't value Monsieur de Champignon a rotten potatoe; and when the ship goes ashore, I will be after asking him a shivil question, as I told him to his face, when he turned his back upon me in the cabin.
M ACLAYMORE .
Weel, weel, maister Oclabber, I wonna tak upon me to say a'together ye're in the wrang — but ye ken there's a time for a'things; and we man gang hooly and fairly while we're under command.
O CLABBER .
You may talk as you plaise, Mr. Maclaymore — you're a man of learning, Honey. Indeed, indeed I am always happy when you are spaiking, whether I'm asleep or awake a gra. But, by my saoul I will maintain, after the breath is out of my body, that " the English pleasure boat had no right to be taken before the declaration of war; " much more the prisoners to be plundered, which you know is the prerogative of pyrates and privateers.
M ACLAYMORE .
To be sure, the law of nations does na prescind that privilege in actual war: for ye ken in ancient times, the victor teuk the spolia opima ; and in my country to this very day we follow the auld practice, pecudum praedas agere . But, then, ye man tak notice, nae gentleman wad plunder a leddy — awa', awa'! — fie for shame! and a right sonsy damsel too. I'm sure it made my heart wae, to see the saut brine come happing o'er her winsome cheeks.
O CLABBER .
Devil burn me! but my bowels wept salt water to see her sweet face look so sorrowful! — och! the delicate creature! — she's the very moral of my own honey dear Sheelah o'Shannaghan [whom I left big with child in the county of Fermanaghan, grammachree!] — — Ochone my dear Sheelah! — — [Look here, she made me this sword-belt of the skin of a sea wolf that I shot at the mouth of the Shannon — — and I gave her at parting, a nun's discipline to keep her sweet flesh in order — — och! " my dear honey captain, (cried she) I shall never do penance, but I will be thinking of you. " ] — — Ah! poor Sheelah she once met with a terrible misfortune gra: we were all a merry-making at the castle of Ballyclough; and so Sheelah having drank a cup too much, honey, fell down stairs out of a window. When I came to her she told me she was speechless; [and by my shoul it was tree long weeks before she got upon her legs again:] then I composed a lamentation in the Irish tongue — and sung it to the tune of drimmendoo ; but, a friend of mine of the order of St. Francis, has made a relation of it into English, and it goes very well to the words of Elen a Roon.
M ACLAYMORE .
Whether is't an elegy or a ode?
O CLABBER .
How the devil can it be odd, when the verses are all even?
M ACLAYMORE .
Gif it be an elegy, it must be written in the carmen elegiacum; or giff it be an ode, it may be monocolos, dicolos, tetrastrophos, — or perhaps its loose iambics.
O CLABBER .
Arra, upon my conscience I believe it is simple shambrucks, honey.] But if you'll hold your tongue you shall see with your own eyes.
SONG.
I.
Ye swains of the Shannon, fair Sheelah is gone,
Ye swains of the Shannon, fair Sheelah is gone,
Ochone my dear jewel;
Why was you so cruel
Amidst my companions to leave me alone?
II.
Tho' Teague shut the casement in Bally-clough hall;
Tho' Teague shut the casement in Bally-clough hall;
In the dark she was groping;
And found it wide open;
Och! the devil himself could not stand such a fall.
III.
In beholding your charms, I can see them no more,
In beholding your charms, I can see them no more,
If you're dead do but own it;
Then you'll hear me bemoan it;
For in loud lamentations your fate I'll deplore.
IV.
[Devil curse this occasion with tumults and strife!
Devil curse this occasion with tumults and strife!
O! the month of November,
She'll have cause to remember
As a black letter day all the days of her life.]
V.
With a rope I could catch the dear creature I've lost!
With a rope I could catch the dear creature I've lost!
But, without a dismission,
I'd lose my commission,
And be hang'd with disgrace for deserting my post.
Shall I never see you, my lovely Sheelah, these seven long years? — An it plaised God to bring us within forty miles of each other, I would never desire to be nearer, all the days of my life.
M ACLAYMORE .
Hoot-fie! Captain Oclabber, where's a' your philosophy? — — did ye never read Seneca de Consolatione ? — or Volusenus, my countryman, de Tranquilitate Animi ? — — I'se warrant we have left a bonny lass too, in the braes of Lochaber — — my yellow hair'd deary that won't to meet me amang the hether — — Heigh sirs! how she grat and cried, waes my heart that we should sunder . — Whisht, what's a that rippet?
O CLABBER .
Arra-mon-deaul! they are beating our grenadier's march, as if the enemy was in view: but, I shall fetch them off long enough before they begin to charge; or, by St. Patrick! I'll beat their skulls to a pancake.
M ACLAYMORE .
Whare are ye ga'ane with the moosic, Donald?
P IPER .
Guid fait! an please your honour, the commander has sent for her to play a spring to the sasenach damsel: but, her nain sell wad na pudge the length of her tae, without your honour's order — and she'll gar a' the men march before her with the Pritish flag and the rest of the plunder.
M ACLAYMORE .
By my saul! he's a gowk, and a gauky, to ettle at diverting the poor lassy with the puppet-shew of her ain misfortune — — but, howsomever, Donald, ye may gang and entertain her with a pibroch of Macreeman's composition; and if she has any taste for moosic, ye'll soon gar her forget her disaster.
O CLABBER .
Arrah, now since that's the caase, I would not be guilty of a rude thing to the lady; and if it be done to compose her spirits, by my saoul! the drum shall beat till she's both deaf and dumb, before I tell it to leave off — — but, we'll go and see the procession.
SCENE III.
A Procession.
[First the bag-pipe — then a ragged, dirty sheet for the French
colours — a file of soldiers in tatters — the English
prisoners — the plunder, in the midst of which is an English
buttock of beef carried on the shoulders of four meagre
Frenchmen. The drum followed by a crew of French sailors.]]
C HAMPIGNON , H ARRIET .
C HAMPIGNON .
Madame, you see de fortune of de war — — my fate be admirable capricieux — you be de prisonier of my arm — I be de cautive of your eye — by gar! my gloire turn to my disgrace!
H ARRIET .
Truly, I think so too — — for, nothing can be more disgraceful than what you have done.
C HAMPIGNON .
Den vat I ave done! — parbleu! I not understand vat you mean, madame — I ave de honor to carry off one great victoire over de Englis.
H ARRIET .
You have carried off an unarmed boat contrary to the law of nations; and rifled the passengers in opposition to the dictates of justice and humanity — I should be glad to know what a common robber could do worse.
C HAMPIGNON .
Common robber! — Madam your serviteur tres humble — de charm of your esprit be as brilliant as de attraits of your personne: in one and t'oder you be parfaitement adorable — souffrez den dat I present my 'art at your altar.
H ARRIET .
If you have any heart to present, it must be a very stale sacrifice — for my own part I have no taste for the fumet ; so you had better keep it for the ladies of your own country.
C HAMPIGNON .
Ah cruelle! — de ladies en France will felicite demselves dat you renonce de tendre of monsieur de Champignon. — [Madame la duchesse — — mais taisons — ] alte la — et la belle marquise! ah quelles ames! — vanite apart, madam, I ave de honneur to be one man a bonnes fortunes. — — diable m'emporte! 'till I rencontre your invincible eye, I ave alway de same succes in love as in war.
H ARRIET .
I dare say you have been always equally lucky and wise.
[C HAMPIGNON .
Ah ma charmante! — dat is more of your bonte den of my merite — permettez donc, dat I amuse you wid the transports of my flame.
H ARRIET .
In a proper place, I believe I should find them very entertaining.]
C HAMPIGNON .
How you ravish me, my princesse! — avouez donc, you 'ave de sentimens for my personne — — parbleu! it is all your generosite — dere is nothing extraordinary in my personne, diable m'emporte! hai, hai.
H ARRIET .
Indeed, monsieur, you do yourself injustice; for, you are certainly the most extraordinary person I had ever the honour to see.
C HAMPIGNON .
Ah, ah, madame! I die under the charge of your politesse — — your approbation ave dissipe de brouillard dat envelope ma fantasie — — your smile inspire me wid allegresse — — allons! vive l'amour! — — la, la, la la, — —
H ARRIET .
What a delicate pipe! I find, monsieur! you're alike perfect in all your accomplishments.
C HAMPIGNON .
Madame, your slave eternellement — personnes of gout ave own dat me sing de chansonettes not altogether too bad, before I ave de honour to receive one ball de pistolet in my gorge, wen I board de Englis man of war, one, two, three, four, ten year ago — — I take possession sabre a la main; but, by gar, de ennemi be opiniatre! — — dey refuse to submit and carry me to Plimout — — dere I apprehend your tongue, madame — dere I dance, and ave de gallanteries parmi les belles filles Angloises — I teash dem to love — they teash me to sing your jolies vaudevilles. — — A coblere dere vas, and he live in one stall — — Hai, hai! how you taste my talens, madame?
H ARRIET .
Oh! you sing inchantingly; and so natural, one would imagine you had been a cobler all the days of your life — — Ha, ha, ha!
C HAMPIGNON .
Hai, hai, hai! — — if you not flatter me, madame, I be more happy dan Charlemagne — — but I ave fear dat you mocquez de moi — — tell a me of grace, my princesse, vat sort of lover you shoose — — I vil transform myself for your plaisir.
H ARRIET .
I will not say what sort of lover I like; but I'll sing what sort of lover I despise.
C HAMPIGNON .
By gar, she love me eperduement.
SONG.
I.
From the man whom I love, tho' my heart I disguise,
I will freely describe the wretch I despise,
And if he has sense but to ballance a straw,
He will sure take the hint from the picture I draw.
II.
A wit without sense, without fancy a beau,
Like a parrot he chatters, and struts like a crow:
A peacock in pride, in grimace a baboon,
In courage a hind, in conceit a gascoon.
III.
As a vulture rapacious, in falsehood a fox,
Inconstant as waves, and unfeeling as rocks;
As a tyger ferocious, perverse as an hog,
In mischief an ape, and in fawning a dog.
IV.
In a word, to sum up all his talents together,
His heart is of lead, and his brain is of feather:
Yet, if he has sense but to ballance a straw,
He will sure take the hint from the picture I draw.
C HAMPIGNON .
Morbleu, madame, you sing a merveilles — — but, by gar, de figure be ver singulier.
SCENE IV.
H ARRIET , C HAMPIGNON , Heartly .
C HAMPIGNON .
Mons. Artlie, I ave de honeur to be your most umble serviteur — — mademoiselle your sister ave des perfections of an ange; but she be cold as de alb├ótre. You do me good office — I become of your alliance — you command my service.
Heartly .
I hope my sister will set a proper value upon your addresses: and you may depend upon my best endeavours to persuade her to treat your passion as it deserves.
C HAMPIGNON .
As it deserve! — mardy! dat is all I desire — den I treat you as one prince. [ A servant whispers and retires .] Comment! que m'importe — madame I must leave you for one moment to de garde of Mons, your broder; but I return in one twinkle.
SCENE V.
Heartly , H ARRIET .
Heartly .
My dear Harriet, have you good nature enough to forgive me for having exposed you to all these dangers and misfortunes?
H ARRIET .
I can't but be pleased with an event which has introduced me to the acquaintance of the accomplished Champignon, ha, ha, ha!
Heartly .
You can't imagine how happy I am to see you bear your misfortune with such good humour, after the terror you underwent at our being taken.
H ARRIET .
I was indeed terribly alarmed when a cannon shot came whistling over our heads; and not a little dejected when I found myself a prisoner — but, I imagine all danger diminishes, or at least loses part of its terror, the nearer you approach it: and as for this Champignon, he is such a contemptible fellow, that upon recollection, I almost despise myself for having been afraid of him. — O' my conscience! I believe all courage is acquired from practice. — I don't doubt but in time I should be able to stand a battery, myself.
Heartly .
Well, my fair Thalestris, should you ever be attacked, I hope the aggressor will fall before you. — — Champignon has certainly exceeded his orders, and we shall be released as soon as a representation can be made to the French court.
H ARRIET .
I should be loth to trouble the court of France with matters of so little consequence. Don't you think it practicable to persuade the captain to set us at liberty? There is one figure in rhetoric which I believe he would hardly resist.
Heartly .
I guess your meaning, and the experiment shall be tried, if we fail of success from another quarter. I intend to make myself known to Oclabber, with whom I was formerly acquainted, and take his advice. He and the Scotch ensign are at variance with Champignon, and disapprove of our being made prisoners.
SCENE VI.
Heartly , H ARRIET , Brush .
Heartly to Brush .
Well, sir, you have been fishing the bonny Scot: have you caught any intelligence?
Brush .
Sir, I have done your business — Capt. Maclaymore and I have been drinking a bottle of sour wine to the health of Miss Harriet and your worship; in a word, he is wholly devoted to your service.
[H ARRIET .
Pray, Mr. Brush, what method did you take to ingratiate yourself with that proud, stalking Highlander?
Brush .
I won his heart with some transient encomiums on his country. I affected to admire his plaid, as an improvement on the Roman toga; swore it was a most soldierly garb; and said, I did not wonder to see it adopted by a nation equally renowned for learning and valour.
Heartly .
These insidious compliments could not fail to undermine his loftiness.
Brush .
He adjusted his bonnet, rolled his quid from one cheek to the other, threw his plaid over his left shoulder with an air of importance, strutted to the farther end of the deck; then returning with his hard features unbended into a ghastly smile, " By my saul! man (says he) ye're na fule; I see ye ken foo weel how to mak proper distinctions — you and I man be better acquanted. " — — I bowed very low in return for the great honour he did me — hinted, that, though now I was in the station of a servant, I had some pretensions to family; and sighing, cried tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis .
Heartly .
That scrap of Latin was a home thrust — You see, sirrah, the benefit of a charity school.
Brush .
Ay, little did I think, when I was flogged for neglecting my accidence, that ever my learning would turn to such account — — Captain Maclaymore was surprized to hear me speak Latin: yet he found fault with my pronunciation. — — He shook me by the hand, though I was a little shy of that compliment, and said he did not expact to find flowers under a nettle: but I put him in mind of the singat cat, for I was better than I was bonny — — then he carried me to his cabin, where we might discourse more freely; told me the captain was a light-headed guse , and expressed his concern at your captivity, which he said was a flagrant infraction of the treaty of Aix la Chapelle .
H ARRIET .
There I hope you backed his opinion with all your eloquence.
Brush .
I extolled his understanding; interested his gallantry in the cause of a distressed lady; and in order to clinch my remonstrance, told him that my master's great grandmother's aunt was a Scotchwoman of the name of Mackintosh, and that Mr. Heartly piqued himself on the Highland blood that ran in his veins.
Heartly .
I'm obliged to your invention for the honour of that alliance — — I hope the discovery had a proper effect upon my cousin Maclaymore.
Brush .
He no sooner heard that particular, than he started up, crying, " What the deel say ye? Mackintosh! — swunds man! that's the name of my ain mither — wha kens but mester Heartly and I may be coozens seventeen times removed: " then he gave me a full account of his pedigree for twelve generations, and hawked up the names of his progenitors till they set my teeth on edge: to conclude,] he has promised to give you all the assistance in his power, and even to favour our escape; for, over and above his other motives, I find he longs to return to his own country, and thinks a piece of service done to an English gentleman may enable him to gratify that inclination.
Heartly .
But what scheme have you laid for our escape?
Brush .
The boat is along side, — our men are permitted to walk the deck — when the captain retires to rest, and the watch is relieving, nothing will be more easy than to step on board of our own galley, cut the rope, hoist the sails, and make the best of our way to Old England.
Heartly .
But, you don't consider that Mr. de Champignon, if alarmed, may slip his cable and give us chace — nay, compliment us with a dish of sugar plumbs that may be very hard of digestion.
Brush .
There, the friendship of Maclaymore will be of service: for, as soon as our flight is known, he and his men, on pretence of being alert, will make such a bustle and confusion, that nothing can be done until we are out of their reach; and then we must trust to our canvas and the trim of our vessel, which is a prime sailer.
H ARRIET .
The project is feasible, and may be the more practicable, if the Irish lieutenant can be brought to co-operate with the ensign.
Heartly .
Odso! there he comes — Brush go and wait upon Miss Harriet to her cabin, while I accost this Hibernian.
SCENE VII.
Heartly , O CLABBER .
O CLABBER .
Your humble servant, sir — I hope the lady is plaised with her accommodation — don't you begin to be refreshed with the French air blowing over the sea? — upon my conscience! now, it's so delicate and keen, that for my own part, honey, I have been as hungry as an Irish wolf dog, ever since I came to this kingdom.
Heartly .
Sir, I thank you for your kind inquiry — I am no stranger to the French air, nor to the politeness of Capt. Oclabber — What! have you quite forgot your old acquaintance?
O CLABBER .
Acquaintance, honey! — by my saoul! I should be proud to recollect your countenance, though I never saw you before in the days of my life.
Heartly .
Don't you remember two Englishmen at Paris, about three years ago, of the name of Heartly?
O CLABBER .
Ub ub oo! — by Shaint Patrick I remember you as well as nothing in the world — Arrah, now, whether is it your own self or your brother?
Heartly .
My brother died of a consumption soon after our return to England.
O CLABBER .
Ah! God rest his soul, poor gentleman — but it is a great comfort to a man to be after dying in his own country — I hope he was your elder brother, gra. — Oh! I remember you two made one with us at the Hotel de Bussy — by my saoul! we were very merry and frolicksome; and you know I hurt my ancle, and my foot swelled as big as tree potatoes — by the same token I sent for a rogue of a surgeon, who subscribed for the cure, and wanted to make a hand of my foot. — Mr. Heartly, the devil fly away with me, but I am proud to see you, and you may command me without fear or affection, gra.
Heartly .
Sir, you are extremely kind; and may, I apprehend, do me a good office with Capt. Champignon, who, I cannot help saying, has treated us with very little ceremony.
O CLABBER .
I'll tell you what, Mr. Heartly, we officers don't choose to find fault with one another; because there's a discipline and subordination to be observed, you know; — therefore I shall say nothing of him as an officer, honey; but, as a man, my dear, by the mass, he's a meer baist.
Heartly .
I'm glad to find your opinion of him so conformable to my own. — I understand by my servant too, that Mr. Maclaymore agrees with us, in his sentiments of Monsieur de Champignon; and disapproves of his taking our boat, as an unwarrantable insult offered to the British nation.
O CLABBER .
By my saoul! I told him so before you came aboard. — As for ensign Maclay-more, there is not a prettier fellow in seven of the best counties in Ireland — as brave as a heron, my dear — arrah, the devil burn him if he fears any man that never wore a head — Ay, and a great scholar to boot — he can talk Latin and Irish as well as the archbishop of Armagh. — Did'n't you know we are sworn brothers — tho' I'm his senior officer, and spaik the French more fluid, gra.
SCENE VIII.
Heartly , O CLABBER , Brush .
Brush .
O Lord, sir! all the fat's in the fire.
O CLABBER .
Arrah what's a fire honey?
Brush .
All our fine project gone to pot! — [We may now hang up our harps among the willows, and sit down and weep by Babel's streams.]
Heartly .
What does the blockhead mean?
Brush .
One of our foolish fellows has blabbed that Miss Harriet is not your sister, but your mistress; and this report has been carried to Monsieur de Champignon, whom I left below in the cabin, taxing her with dissimulation, and threatening to confine her for life. — He sings, capers, swears and storms in a breath! — I have seen Bedlam: but an English lunatic at full moon, is a very sober animal when compared to a Frenchman in a passion.
Heartly .
I care not for his passion or his power — By Heaven! he shall not offer the least violence to my Harriet, while a drop of blood circulates in my veins! — I'll assault him, tho' unarmed, and die in her defence —
O CLABBER .
Won't you be easy now? — your dying signifies nothing at all, honey; for, if you should be killed in the fray, what excuse would you make to the young lady's relations, for leaving her alone in the hands of the enemy? — by my saoul! you'd look very foolish. — Take no notice at all, and give yourself no trouble about the matter — and if he should ravish your mistress, by my salvation! I would take upon me to put him under arrest.
Heartly .
The villain dares not think of committing such an outrage!
O CLABBER .
Devil confound me! but I'd never desire a better joke — Och! then my dear, you'd see how I'd trim him — you should have satisfaction to your heart's content.
Heartly .
Distraction! — If you will not give me your assistance, I'll fly alone to her defence.
Brush .
Zooks! sir, you're as mad as he. — You'll ruin us all past redemption. — What the deuce are you afraid of? — Ravish! — An atomy like that pretend to ravish! No, no: he'll ravish nothing but our goods and chattels, and these he has disposed of already. — Besides, Miss Harriet, when his back was turned, desired me to conjure you in her name, to take care of yourself: for Champignon would have no pretence to confine her, if you was out of the way.
O CLABBER .
O'my conscience, a very sensible young woman! When there are two lovers in the caase, 'tis natural to wish one of them away. — Come along with me, honey; we'll hold a council of war with ensign Maclaymore — perhaps he may contrive mains to part you. — No man knows better how to make a soldierly retreat.
Brush .
Soldierly or unsoldierly, it signifies not a button — so we do but escape, I shall be glad to get away at any rate, even if I should fly like a thief from the gallows.
O CLABBER .
Devil fire you, my dear! you're a wag. — Arrah, who told you that my friend Maclaymore escaped from the gallows? — By my saoul! 'tis all fortune de la guerre . — Indeed, indeed, I would never desire to command a better corps than what I could form out of the honest gentlemen you have hanged in England.
Heartly .
I'm so confounded and perplexed in consequence of this unlucky discovery, that I can't start one distinct thought, much less contribute to any scheme that requires cool deliberation.
O CLABBER .
Arrah faith, my dear, we must leave those things to wiser heads. — For my own part, I'm a soldier, and never burden my brain with unnecessary baggage.
I won't pretend to lead, but I follow in the throng;
And as I don't think at all, I can never think wrong.
SCENE I.
Heartly , Brush .
Brush .
Well, if this be taking diversion on the water, God send me safe on English ground! and if ever I come in sight of the Sea again, may a watry grave be my portion. — First, to be terrified with the thoughts of drowning — Secondly, to be tossed and tumbled about like a foot-ball — Thirdly, to be drenched with Sea-water — Fourthly, to be stunk to death with pitch and tar and the savoury scent of my fellow-sufferers — Fifthly, to be racked with perpetual puking ['till my guts are turned inside out] — And sixthly and lastly, to be taken prisoner and plundered by the French!
Heartly .
Enough — Enough —
Brush .
Enough! — aye, and to spare — I wish I could give part to those who envy my good fortune — But, how will the good Lady Bloomwell moralize when she finds her daughter Miss Harriet is fallen into the hands of Monsieur de Champignon?
Heartly .
No more — that reflection alarms me! — yet I have nothing to fear — as there is no war declared, we shall soon be released: and in the mean time the French will treat us with their usual politeness.
Brush .
Pox on their politeness! ah, master! commend me to the blunt sincerity of the true surly British mastiff — The rascallion that took my purse bowed so low, and paid me so many compliments, that I ventured to argue the matter in hopes of convincing him he was in the wrong — but he soon stopped my mouth with a vengeance, by clapping a cocked pistol to my ear, and telling me he should have the honour to blow my brains out — Another of those polite gentlemen begged leave to exchange hats with me — A third fell in love with my silver shoe-buckles — Nay, that very individual nice buttock of beef, which I had just begun to survey with looks of desire, after the dismal evacuation I had undergone, was ravished from my sight by two famished French wolves, who beheld it with equal joy and astonishment.
Heartly .
I must confess they plundered us with great dexterity and dispatch; and even Monsieur de Champignon the commander did not keep his hands clear of the pillage — An instance of rapaciousness I did not expect to meet with in a gentleman and an officer. — Sure he will behave as such to Harriet!
Brush .
Faith! not to flatter you, Sir, I take him to be one of those fellows who owe their good fortune to nothing less than their good works — He first rifled your mistress, and then made love to her with great gallantry — but you was in the right to call yourself her brother — if he knew you were his rival you might pass your time very disagreeably.
Heartly .
There are two officers on board, who seem to disapprove of his conduct; they would not be concerned in robbing us, nor would they suffer their soldiers to take any share of the prey, but condoled Harriet and me on our misfortune, with marks of real concern.
Brush .
You mean lieutenant Oclabber and ensign Maclaymore, a couple of damn'd renegadoes! — you lean upon a broken reed if you trust to their compassion.
Heartly .
Oclabber I knew at Paris, when I travelled with my brother, and he then bore the character of an honest man and a brave officer — The other is an Highlander, excluded (I suppose) from his own country on account of the late rebellion; for that reason, perhaps, more apt to pity the distressed. — I see them walking this way in close conference — While I go down to the cabin to visit my dear Harriet, you may lounge about and endeavour to over-hear their conversation.
SCENE II.
O CLABBER , M ACLAYMORE .
O CLABBER .
Arrah, for what? — I don't value Monsieur de Champignon a rotten potatoe; and when the ship goes ashore, I will be after asking him a shivil question, as I told him to his face, when he turned his back upon me in the cabin.
M ACLAYMORE .
Weel, weel, maister Oclabber, I wonna tak upon me to say a'together ye're in the wrang — but ye ken there's a time for a'things; and we man gang hooly and fairly while we're under command.
O CLABBER .
You may talk as you plaise, Mr. Maclaymore — you're a man of learning, Honey. Indeed, indeed I am always happy when you are spaiking, whether I'm asleep or awake a gra. But, by my saoul I will maintain, after the breath is out of my body, that " the English pleasure boat had no right to be taken before the declaration of war; " much more the prisoners to be plundered, which you know is the prerogative of pyrates and privateers.
M ACLAYMORE .
To be sure, the law of nations does na prescind that privilege in actual war: for ye ken in ancient times, the victor teuk the spolia opima ; and in my country to this very day we follow the auld practice, pecudum praedas agere . But, then, ye man tak notice, nae gentleman wad plunder a leddy — awa', awa'! — fie for shame! and a right sonsy damsel too. I'm sure it made my heart wae, to see the saut brine come happing o'er her winsome cheeks.
O CLABBER .
Devil burn me! but my bowels wept salt water to see her sweet face look so sorrowful! — och! the delicate creature! — she's the very moral of my own honey dear Sheelah o'Shannaghan [whom I left big with child in the county of Fermanaghan, grammachree!] — — Ochone my dear Sheelah! — — [Look here, she made me this sword-belt of the skin of a sea wolf that I shot at the mouth of the Shannon — — and I gave her at parting, a nun's discipline to keep her sweet flesh in order — — och! " my dear honey captain, (cried she) I shall never do penance, but I will be thinking of you. " ] — — Ah! poor Sheelah she once met with a terrible misfortune gra: we were all a merry-making at the castle of Ballyclough; and so Sheelah having drank a cup too much, honey, fell down stairs out of a window. When I came to her she told me she was speechless; [and by my shoul it was tree long weeks before she got upon her legs again:] then I composed a lamentation in the Irish tongue — and sung it to the tune of drimmendoo ; but, a friend of mine of the order of St. Francis, has made a relation of it into English, and it goes very well to the words of Elen a Roon.
M ACLAYMORE .
Whether is't an elegy or a ode?
O CLABBER .
How the devil can it be odd, when the verses are all even?
M ACLAYMORE .
Gif it be an elegy, it must be written in the carmen elegiacum; or giff it be an ode, it may be monocolos, dicolos, tetrastrophos, — or perhaps its loose iambics.
O CLABBER .
Arra, upon my conscience I believe it is simple shambrucks, honey.] But if you'll hold your tongue you shall see with your own eyes.
SONG.
I.
Ye swains of the Shannon, fair Sheelah is gone,
Ye swains of the Shannon, fair Sheelah is gone,
Ochone my dear jewel;
Why was you so cruel
Amidst my companions to leave me alone?
II.
Tho' Teague shut the casement in Bally-clough hall;
Tho' Teague shut the casement in Bally-clough hall;
In the dark she was groping;
And found it wide open;
Och! the devil himself could not stand such a fall.
III.
In beholding your charms, I can see them no more,
In beholding your charms, I can see them no more,
If you're dead do but own it;
Then you'll hear me bemoan it;
For in loud lamentations your fate I'll deplore.
IV.
[Devil curse this occasion with tumults and strife!
Devil curse this occasion with tumults and strife!
O! the month of November,
She'll have cause to remember
As a black letter day all the days of her life.]
V.
With a rope I could catch the dear creature I've lost!
With a rope I could catch the dear creature I've lost!
But, without a dismission,
I'd lose my commission,
And be hang'd with disgrace for deserting my post.
Shall I never see you, my lovely Sheelah, these seven long years? — An it plaised God to bring us within forty miles of each other, I would never desire to be nearer, all the days of my life.
M ACLAYMORE .
Hoot-fie! Captain Oclabber, where's a' your philosophy? — — did ye never read Seneca de Consolatione ? — or Volusenus, my countryman, de Tranquilitate Animi ? — — I'se warrant we have left a bonny lass too, in the braes of Lochaber — — my yellow hair'd deary that won't to meet me amang the hether — — Heigh sirs! how she grat and cried, waes my heart that we should sunder . — Whisht, what's a that rippet?
O CLABBER .
Arra-mon-deaul! they are beating our grenadier's march, as if the enemy was in view: but, I shall fetch them off long enough before they begin to charge; or, by St. Patrick! I'll beat their skulls to a pancake.
M ACLAYMORE .
Whare are ye ga'ane with the moosic, Donald?
P IPER .
Guid fait! an please your honour, the commander has sent for her to play a spring to the sasenach damsel: but, her nain sell wad na pudge the length of her tae, without your honour's order — and she'll gar a' the men march before her with the Pritish flag and the rest of the plunder.
M ACLAYMORE .
By my saul! he's a gowk, and a gauky, to ettle at diverting the poor lassy with the puppet-shew of her ain misfortune — — but, howsomever, Donald, ye may gang and entertain her with a pibroch of Macreeman's composition; and if she has any taste for moosic, ye'll soon gar her forget her disaster.
O CLABBER .
Arrah, now since that's the caase, I would not be guilty of a rude thing to the lady; and if it be done to compose her spirits, by my saoul! the drum shall beat till she's both deaf and dumb, before I tell it to leave off — — but, we'll go and see the procession.
SCENE III.
A Procession.
[First the bag-pipe — then a ragged, dirty sheet for the French
colours — a file of soldiers in tatters — the English
prisoners — the plunder, in the midst of which is an English
buttock of beef carried on the shoulders of four meagre
Frenchmen. The drum followed by a crew of French sailors.]]
C HAMPIGNON , H ARRIET .
C HAMPIGNON .
Madame, you see de fortune of de war — — my fate be admirable capricieux — you be de prisonier of my arm — I be de cautive of your eye — by gar! my gloire turn to my disgrace!
H ARRIET .
Truly, I think so too — — for, nothing can be more disgraceful than what you have done.
C HAMPIGNON .
Den vat I ave done! — parbleu! I not understand vat you mean, madame — I ave de honor to carry off one great victoire over de Englis.
H ARRIET .
You have carried off an unarmed boat contrary to the law of nations; and rifled the passengers in opposition to the dictates of justice and humanity — I should be glad to know what a common robber could do worse.
C HAMPIGNON .
Common robber! — Madam your serviteur tres humble — de charm of your esprit be as brilliant as de attraits of your personne: in one and t'oder you be parfaitement adorable — souffrez den dat I present my 'art at your altar.
H ARRIET .
If you have any heart to present, it must be a very stale sacrifice — for my own part I have no taste for the fumet ; so you had better keep it for the ladies of your own country.
C HAMPIGNON .
Ah cruelle! — de ladies en France will felicite demselves dat you renonce de tendre of monsieur de Champignon. — [Madame la duchesse — — mais taisons — ] alte la — et la belle marquise! ah quelles ames! — vanite apart, madam, I ave de honneur to be one man a bonnes fortunes. — — diable m'emporte! 'till I rencontre your invincible eye, I ave alway de same succes in love as in war.
H ARRIET .
I dare say you have been always equally lucky and wise.
[C HAMPIGNON .
Ah ma charmante! — dat is more of your bonte den of my merite — permettez donc, dat I amuse you wid the transports of my flame.
H ARRIET .
In a proper place, I believe I should find them very entertaining.]
C HAMPIGNON .
How you ravish me, my princesse! — avouez donc, you 'ave de sentimens for my personne — — parbleu! it is all your generosite — dere is nothing extraordinary in my personne, diable m'emporte! hai, hai.
H ARRIET .
Indeed, monsieur, you do yourself injustice; for, you are certainly the most extraordinary person I had ever the honour to see.
C HAMPIGNON .
Ah, ah, madame! I die under the charge of your politesse — — your approbation ave dissipe de brouillard dat envelope ma fantasie — — your smile inspire me wid allegresse — — allons! vive l'amour! — — la, la, la la, — —
H ARRIET .
What a delicate pipe! I find, monsieur! you're alike perfect in all your accomplishments.
C HAMPIGNON .
Madame, your slave eternellement — personnes of gout ave own dat me sing de chansonettes not altogether too bad, before I ave de honour to receive one ball de pistolet in my gorge, wen I board de Englis man of war, one, two, three, four, ten year ago — — I take possession sabre a la main; but, by gar, de ennemi be opiniatre! — — dey refuse to submit and carry me to Plimout — — dere I apprehend your tongue, madame — dere I dance, and ave de gallanteries parmi les belles filles Angloises — I teash dem to love — they teash me to sing your jolies vaudevilles. — — A coblere dere vas, and he live in one stall — — Hai, hai! how you taste my talens, madame?
H ARRIET .
Oh! you sing inchantingly; and so natural, one would imagine you had been a cobler all the days of your life — — Ha, ha, ha!
C HAMPIGNON .
Hai, hai, hai! — — if you not flatter me, madame, I be more happy dan Charlemagne — — but I ave fear dat you mocquez de moi — — tell a me of grace, my princesse, vat sort of lover you shoose — — I vil transform myself for your plaisir.
H ARRIET .
I will not say what sort of lover I like; but I'll sing what sort of lover I despise.
C HAMPIGNON .
By gar, she love me eperduement.
SONG.
I.
From the man whom I love, tho' my heart I disguise,
I will freely describe the wretch I despise,
And if he has sense but to ballance a straw,
He will sure take the hint from the picture I draw.
II.
A wit without sense, without fancy a beau,
Like a parrot he chatters, and struts like a crow:
A peacock in pride, in grimace a baboon,
In courage a hind, in conceit a gascoon.
III.
As a vulture rapacious, in falsehood a fox,
Inconstant as waves, and unfeeling as rocks;
As a tyger ferocious, perverse as an hog,
In mischief an ape, and in fawning a dog.
IV.
In a word, to sum up all his talents together,
His heart is of lead, and his brain is of feather:
Yet, if he has sense but to ballance a straw,
He will sure take the hint from the picture I draw.
C HAMPIGNON .
Morbleu, madame, you sing a merveilles — — but, by gar, de figure be ver singulier.
SCENE IV.
H ARRIET , C HAMPIGNON , Heartly .
C HAMPIGNON .
Mons. Artlie, I ave de honeur to be your most umble serviteur — — mademoiselle your sister ave des perfections of an ange; but she be cold as de alb├ótre. You do me good office — I become of your alliance — you command my service.
Heartly .
I hope my sister will set a proper value upon your addresses: and you may depend upon my best endeavours to persuade her to treat your passion as it deserves.
C HAMPIGNON .
As it deserve! — mardy! dat is all I desire — den I treat you as one prince. [ A servant whispers and retires .] Comment! que m'importe — madame I must leave you for one moment to de garde of Mons, your broder; but I return in one twinkle.
SCENE V.
Heartly , H ARRIET .
Heartly .
My dear Harriet, have you good nature enough to forgive me for having exposed you to all these dangers and misfortunes?
H ARRIET .
I can't but be pleased with an event which has introduced me to the acquaintance of the accomplished Champignon, ha, ha, ha!
Heartly .
You can't imagine how happy I am to see you bear your misfortune with such good humour, after the terror you underwent at our being taken.
H ARRIET .
I was indeed terribly alarmed when a cannon shot came whistling over our heads; and not a little dejected when I found myself a prisoner — but, I imagine all danger diminishes, or at least loses part of its terror, the nearer you approach it: and as for this Champignon, he is such a contemptible fellow, that upon recollection, I almost despise myself for having been afraid of him. — O' my conscience! I believe all courage is acquired from practice. — I don't doubt but in time I should be able to stand a battery, myself.
Heartly .
Well, my fair Thalestris, should you ever be attacked, I hope the aggressor will fall before you. — — Champignon has certainly exceeded his orders, and we shall be released as soon as a representation can be made to the French court.
H ARRIET .
I should be loth to trouble the court of France with matters of so little consequence. Don't you think it practicable to persuade the captain to set us at liberty? There is one figure in rhetoric which I believe he would hardly resist.
Heartly .
I guess your meaning, and the experiment shall be tried, if we fail of success from another quarter. I intend to make myself known to Oclabber, with whom I was formerly acquainted, and take his advice. He and the Scotch ensign are at variance with Champignon, and disapprove of our being made prisoners.
SCENE VI.
Heartly , H ARRIET , Brush .
Heartly to Brush .
Well, sir, you have been fishing the bonny Scot: have you caught any intelligence?
Brush .
Sir, I have done your business — Capt. Maclaymore and I have been drinking a bottle of sour wine to the health of Miss Harriet and your worship; in a word, he is wholly devoted to your service.
[H ARRIET .
Pray, Mr. Brush, what method did you take to ingratiate yourself with that proud, stalking Highlander?
Brush .
I won his heart with some transient encomiums on his country. I affected to admire his plaid, as an improvement on the Roman toga; swore it was a most soldierly garb; and said, I did not wonder to see it adopted by a nation equally renowned for learning and valour.
Heartly .
These insidious compliments could not fail to undermine his loftiness.
Brush .
He adjusted his bonnet, rolled his quid from one cheek to the other, threw his plaid over his left shoulder with an air of importance, strutted to the farther end of the deck; then returning with his hard features unbended into a ghastly smile, " By my saul! man (says he) ye're na fule; I see ye ken foo weel how to mak proper distinctions — you and I man be better acquanted. " — — I bowed very low in return for the great honour he did me — hinted, that, though now I was in the station of a servant, I had some pretensions to family; and sighing, cried tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis .
Heartly .
That scrap of Latin was a home thrust — You see, sirrah, the benefit of a charity school.
Brush .
Ay, little did I think, when I was flogged for neglecting my accidence, that ever my learning would turn to such account — — Captain Maclaymore was surprized to hear me speak Latin: yet he found fault with my pronunciation. — — He shook me by the hand, though I was a little shy of that compliment, and said he did not expact to find flowers under a nettle: but I put him in mind of the singat cat, for I was better than I was bonny — — then he carried me to his cabin, where we might discourse more freely; told me the captain was a light-headed guse , and expressed his concern at your captivity, which he said was a flagrant infraction of the treaty of Aix la Chapelle .
H ARRIET .
There I hope you backed his opinion with all your eloquence.
Brush .
I extolled his understanding; interested his gallantry in the cause of a distressed lady; and in order to clinch my remonstrance, told him that my master's great grandmother's aunt was a Scotchwoman of the name of Mackintosh, and that Mr. Heartly piqued himself on the Highland blood that ran in his veins.
Heartly .
I'm obliged to your invention for the honour of that alliance — — I hope the discovery had a proper effect upon my cousin Maclaymore.
Brush .
He no sooner heard that particular, than he started up, crying, " What the deel say ye? Mackintosh! — swunds man! that's the name of my ain mither — wha kens but mester Heartly and I may be coozens seventeen times removed: " then he gave me a full account of his pedigree for twelve generations, and hawked up the names of his progenitors till they set my teeth on edge: to conclude,] he has promised to give you all the assistance in his power, and even to favour our escape; for, over and above his other motives, I find he longs to return to his own country, and thinks a piece of service done to an English gentleman may enable him to gratify that inclination.
Heartly .
But what scheme have you laid for our escape?
Brush .
The boat is along side, — our men are permitted to walk the deck — when the captain retires to rest, and the watch is relieving, nothing will be more easy than to step on board of our own galley, cut the rope, hoist the sails, and make the best of our way to Old England.
Heartly .
But, you don't consider that Mr. de Champignon, if alarmed, may slip his cable and give us chace — nay, compliment us with a dish of sugar plumbs that may be very hard of digestion.
Brush .
There, the friendship of Maclaymore will be of service: for, as soon as our flight is known, he and his men, on pretence of being alert, will make such a bustle and confusion, that nothing can be done until we are out of their reach; and then we must trust to our canvas and the trim of our vessel, which is a prime sailer.
H ARRIET .
The project is feasible, and may be the more practicable, if the Irish lieutenant can be brought to co-operate with the ensign.
Heartly .
Odso! there he comes — Brush go and wait upon Miss Harriet to her cabin, while I accost this Hibernian.
SCENE VII.
Heartly , O CLABBER .
O CLABBER .
Your humble servant, sir — I hope the lady is plaised with her accommodation — don't you begin to be refreshed with the French air blowing over the sea? — upon my conscience! now, it's so delicate and keen, that for my own part, honey, I have been as hungry as an Irish wolf dog, ever since I came to this kingdom.
Heartly .
Sir, I thank you for your kind inquiry — I am no stranger to the French air, nor to the politeness of Capt. Oclabber — What! have you quite forgot your old acquaintance?
O CLABBER .
Acquaintance, honey! — by my saoul! I should be proud to recollect your countenance, though I never saw you before in the days of my life.
Heartly .
Don't you remember two Englishmen at Paris, about three years ago, of the name of Heartly?
O CLABBER .
Ub ub oo! — by Shaint Patrick I remember you as well as nothing in the world — Arrah, now, whether is it your own self or your brother?
Heartly .
My brother died of a consumption soon after our return to England.
O CLABBER .
Ah! God rest his soul, poor gentleman — but it is a great comfort to a man to be after dying in his own country — I hope he was your elder brother, gra. — Oh! I remember you two made one with us at the Hotel de Bussy — by my saoul! we were very merry and frolicksome; and you know I hurt my ancle, and my foot swelled as big as tree potatoes — by the same token I sent for a rogue of a surgeon, who subscribed for the cure, and wanted to make a hand of my foot. — Mr. Heartly, the devil fly away with me, but I am proud to see you, and you may command me without fear or affection, gra.
Heartly .
Sir, you are extremely kind; and may, I apprehend, do me a good office with Capt. Champignon, who, I cannot help saying, has treated us with very little ceremony.
O CLABBER .
I'll tell you what, Mr. Heartly, we officers don't choose to find fault with one another; because there's a discipline and subordination to be observed, you know; — therefore I shall say nothing of him as an officer, honey; but, as a man, my dear, by the mass, he's a meer baist.
Heartly .
I'm glad to find your opinion of him so conformable to my own. — I understand by my servant too, that Mr. Maclaymore agrees with us, in his sentiments of Monsieur de Champignon; and disapproves of his taking our boat, as an unwarrantable insult offered to the British nation.
O CLABBER .
By my saoul! I told him so before you came aboard. — As for ensign Maclay-more, there is not a prettier fellow in seven of the best counties in Ireland — as brave as a heron, my dear — arrah, the devil burn him if he fears any man that never wore a head — Ay, and a great scholar to boot — he can talk Latin and Irish as well as the archbishop of Armagh. — Did'n't you know we are sworn brothers — tho' I'm his senior officer, and spaik the French more fluid, gra.
SCENE VIII.
Heartly , O CLABBER , Brush .
Brush .
O Lord, sir! all the fat's in the fire.
O CLABBER .
Arrah what's a fire honey?
Brush .
All our fine project gone to pot! — [We may now hang up our harps among the willows, and sit down and weep by Babel's streams.]
Heartly .
What does the blockhead mean?
Brush .
One of our foolish fellows has blabbed that Miss Harriet is not your sister, but your mistress; and this report has been carried to Monsieur de Champignon, whom I left below in the cabin, taxing her with dissimulation, and threatening to confine her for life. — He sings, capers, swears and storms in a breath! — I have seen Bedlam: but an English lunatic at full moon, is a very sober animal when compared to a Frenchman in a passion.
Heartly .
I care not for his passion or his power — By Heaven! he shall not offer the least violence to my Harriet, while a drop of blood circulates in my veins! — I'll assault him, tho' unarmed, and die in her defence —
O CLABBER .
Won't you be easy now? — your dying signifies nothing at all, honey; for, if you should be killed in the fray, what excuse would you make to the young lady's relations, for leaving her alone in the hands of the enemy? — by my saoul! you'd look very foolish. — Take no notice at all, and give yourself no trouble about the matter — and if he should ravish your mistress, by my salvation! I would take upon me to put him under arrest.
Heartly .
The villain dares not think of committing such an outrage!
O CLABBER .
Devil confound me! but I'd never desire a better joke — Och! then my dear, you'd see how I'd trim him — you should have satisfaction to your heart's content.
Heartly .
Distraction! — If you will not give me your assistance, I'll fly alone to her defence.
Brush .
Zooks! sir, you're as mad as he. — You'll ruin us all past redemption. — What the deuce are you afraid of? — Ravish! — An atomy like that pretend to ravish! No, no: he'll ravish nothing but our goods and chattels, and these he has disposed of already. — Besides, Miss Harriet, when his back was turned, desired me to conjure you in her name, to take care of yourself: for Champignon would have no pretence to confine her, if you was out of the way.
O CLABBER .
O'my conscience, a very sensible young woman! When there are two lovers in the caase, 'tis natural to wish one of them away. — Come along with me, honey; we'll hold a council of war with ensign Maclaymore — perhaps he may contrive mains to part you. — No man knows better how to make a soldierly retreat.
Brush .
Soldierly or unsoldierly, it signifies not a button — so we do but escape, I shall be glad to get away at any rate, even if I should fly like a thief from the gallows.
O CLABBER .
Devil fire you, my dear! you're a wag. — Arrah, who told you that my friend Maclaymore escaped from the gallows? — By my saoul! 'tis all fortune de la guerre . — Indeed, indeed, I would never desire to command a better corps than what I could form out of the honest gentlemen you have hanged in England.
Heartly .
I'm so confounded and perplexed in consequence of this unlucky discovery, that I can't start one distinct thought, much less contribute to any scheme that requires cool deliberation.
O CLABBER .
Arrah faith, my dear, we must leave those things to wiser heads. — For my own part, I'm a soldier, and never burden my brain with unnecessary baggage.
I won't pretend to lead, but I follow in the throng;
And as I don't think at all, I can never think wrong.
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