Scene, A Country Justice's Hall, Adorn'd with Scutcheons and Stags Horns -
Scene. A Country Justice's Hall, adorn'd with Scutcheons and Stags Horns .
Enter Steward, Squire, Kitty, Dock, and others in Country Habits .
Steward . So, you are ready in your parts, and in your dress too, I see; your own best cloaths do the business. Sure never was Play and actors so suited. Come, range your selves before me, women on the right, and men on the left. Squire Thomas , you make a good figure.
Squire . Ay, thanks to Barnaby 's Sunday cloaths; but call me Thomas Filbert , as I am in the Play.
Steward . Chear up, daughter, and make Kitty Carrot the shining part: Squire Thomas is to be in love with you to night, girle.
Kitty . Ay, I have felt Squire Thomas 's love to my cost. I have little stomach to play, in the condition he hath put me into.
Steward . Jonas Dock , dost thou remember thy name?
Dock . My name? Jo — Jo — Jonas . No — that was the name my God-fathers gave me. My play name is Timothy Pea — Pea — Peascod ; ay, Peascod mdash;and am to be shot for a deserter. —
Steward . And you, Dolly ?
Dolly . An't please ye, I am Dorcas, Peascod 's sister, and am to be with child, as it were.
1 Countryman . And I am to take her up, as it were — I am the Constable.
2 Countryman . And I am to see Tim shot, as it were — I am the Corporal.
Steward . But what is become of our sergeant?
Dorcas . Why Peter Nettle, Peter, Peter .
Nettle . These stockings of Susan 's cost a woundy deal of pains the pulling on: But what 's a sergeant without red stockings?
Dock . I'll dress thee, Peter , I'll dress thee. Here, stand still, I must twist thy neckcloth; I would make thee hold up thy head, and have a ruddy complexion; but pr'ythee don't look black in the face, man. Thou must look fierce and dreadful. But what shall we do for a grenadier's cap?
Steward . Fetch the leathern bucket that hangs in the belfry; that is curiously painted before, and will make a figure.
Nettle . No, no, I have what 's worth twenty on't: the Pope's mitre, that my master. Sir Roger seiz'd, when they would have burnt him at our market town.
Steward . So, now let ev'ry body withdraw, and prepare to begin the play. [ Exeunt Actors .] My daughter debauched! and by that booby Squire! well, perhaps the conduct of this play may retrieve her folly, and preserve her reputation. Poor girle! I cannot forget thy tears.
Sir Roger . Look ye, Steward, don't tell me you can't bring them in. I will have a ghost; nay, I will have a competence of ghosts. What, shall our neighbours think we are not able to make a ghost? A play without a ghost is like, is like, — i'gad it is like nothing.
Steward . Sir, be satisfied; you shall have ghosts.
Sir. Roger. And is the play as I order'd it, both a Tragedy and a Comedy? I would have it a Pastoral too: and if you could make it a Farce, so much the better — and what if you crown'd all with a spice of your Opera? You know my neighbours never saw a Play before: and d'ye see, I would shew them all sorts of Plays under one.
Steward . Sir Roger , it is contrived for that very purpose.
Sir Roger . Neighbours, you are welcome. Is not this Steward of mine a pure ingenious fellow now, to make such a Play for us these Christmas holidays. [ Exit Steward bowing .] — A rare headpiece! he has it here, i'faith. [ Pointing to his own head .] But indeed, I gave him the hint — To see now what contrivance some folks have! We have so fitted the parts to my tenants, that ev'ry man talks in his own way! — and then we have made just three justices in the play, to be play'd by us three justices of the Quorum .
1 Justice . Zooks! — so it is; — main ingenious. — And can we sit and smoke at the same time we act?
Sir Roger . Ay, ay, — we have but three or four words to say — and may drink and be good company in peace and silence all the while after.
2 Justice . But how shall we know when we are to say these same words?
Sir Roger . This shall be the signal — when I set down the tankard, then speak you, Sir Humphry, — and when Sir Humphry sets down the tankard, speak you, Squire Statute .
1 Justice . Ah, Sir Roger , you are an old dog at these things.
2 Justice . To be sure.
Sir Roger . Why neighbours, you know, experience, experience — I remember your Harts and your Bettertons — But to see your Othello , neighbours, — how he would rave and roar, about a foolish flower'd handkerchief! — and then he would groul so manfully, — and he would put out the light, and put the light out so cleverly! but hush — the Prologue, the Prologue.
Enter Steward, Squire, Kitty, Dock, and others in Country Habits .
Steward . So, you are ready in your parts, and in your dress too, I see; your own best cloaths do the business. Sure never was Play and actors so suited. Come, range your selves before me, women on the right, and men on the left. Squire Thomas , you make a good figure.
Squire . Ay, thanks to Barnaby 's Sunday cloaths; but call me Thomas Filbert , as I am in the Play.
Steward . Chear up, daughter, and make Kitty Carrot the shining part: Squire Thomas is to be in love with you to night, girle.
Kitty . Ay, I have felt Squire Thomas 's love to my cost. I have little stomach to play, in the condition he hath put me into.
Steward . Jonas Dock , dost thou remember thy name?
Dock . My name? Jo — Jo — Jonas . No — that was the name my God-fathers gave me. My play name is Timothy Pea — Pea — Peascod ; ay, Peascod mdash;and am to be shot for a deserter. —
Steward . And you, Dolly ?
Dolly . An't please ye, I am Dorcas, Peascod 's sister, and am to be with child, as it were.
1 Countryman . And I am to take her up, as it were — I am the Constable.
2 Countryman . And I am to see Tim shot, as it were — I am the Corporal.
Steward . But what is become of our sergeant?
Dorcas . Why Peter Nettle, Peter, Peter .
Nettle . These stockings of Susan 's cost a woundy deal of pains the pulling on: But what 's a sergeant without red stockings?
Dock . I'll dress thee, Peter , I'll dress thee. Here, stand still, I must twist thy neckcloth; I would make thee hold up thy head, and have a ruddy complexion; but pr'ythee don't look black in the face, man. Thou must look fierce and dreadful. But what shall we do for a grenadier's cap?
Steward . Fetch the leathern bucket that hangs in the belfry; that is curiously painted before, and will make a figure.
Nettle . No, no, I have what 's worth twenty on't: the Pope's mitre, that my master. Sir Roger seiz'd, when they would have burnt him at our market town.
Steward . So, now let ev'ry body withdraw, and prepare to begin the play. [ Exeunt Actors .] My daughter debauched! and by that booby Squire! well, perhaps the conduct of this play may retrieve her folly, and preserve her reputation. Poor girle! I cannot forget thy tears.
Sir Roger . Look ye, Steward, don't tell me you can't bring them in. I will have a ghost; nay, I will have a competence of ghosts. What, shall our neighbours think we are not able to make a ghost? A play without a ghost is like, is like, — i'gad it is like nothing.
Steward . Sir, be satisfied; you shall have ghosts.
Sir. Roger. And is the play as I order'd it, both a Tragedy and a Comedy? I would have it a Pastoral too: and if you could make it a Farce, so much the better — and what if you crown'd all with a spice of your Opera? You know my neighbours never saw a Play before: and d'ye see, I would shew them all sorts of Plays under one.
Steward . Sir Roger , it is contrived for that very purpose.
Sir Roger . Neighbours, you are welcome. Is not this Steward of mine a pure ingenious fellow now, to make such a Play for us these Christmas holidays. [ Exit Steward bowing .] — A rare headpiece! he has it here, i'faith. [ Pointing to his own head .] But indeed, I gave him the hint — To see now what contrivance some folks have! We have so fitted the parts to my tenants, that ev'ry man talks in his own way! — and then we have made just three justices in the play, to be play'd by us three justices of the Quorum .
1 Justice . Zooks! — so it is; — main ingenious. — And can we sit and smoke at the same time we act?
Sir Roger . Ay, ay, — we have but three or four words to say — and may drink and be good company in peace and silence all the while after.
2 Justice . But how shall we know when we are to say these same words?
Sir Roger . This shall be the signal — when I set down the tankard, then speak you, Sir Humphry, — and when Sir Humphry sets down the tankard, speak you, Squire Statute .
1 Justice . Ah, Sir Roger , you are an old dog at these things.
2 Justice . To be sure.
Sir Roger . Why neighbours, you know, experience, experience — I remember your Harts and your Bettertons — But to see your Othello , neighbours, — how he would rave and roar, about a foolish flower'd handkerchief! — and then he would groul so manfully, — and he would put out the light, and put the light out so cleverly! but hush — the Prologue, the Prologue.
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