Member Poem

I noticed jowels under my chin
girth between my shoulders
and no space between my thighs
or room on the chair for my purse
 
Because today I got fat.
 
Now I judge myself with my eyes,
when I used to just see me,
I see my outside.
 
Where he sees strength I see
weakness for diet soda and
one more thin mint column.
 
I want to see through my son’s eyes –
the blue-green orbs rubber-cemented
to his laptop, only sometimes available
for a chat or a meal
 
Or through my daugher’s eyes behind the
golden shirley temple curls—
she squeals in glee when I
return from work
 
This one sees stars in my eyes
and sex in my hips—I turn him on
with a soft reveal of my neck.
 
Maybe its because I fill his arms that he sees stars...
I see crow's feet and tears pooling
begging not to fall.
 
because I feel fat.
 
Today I saw why when I was younger
the guys never knocked at my door
or returned my calls--why my messages
were always empty or just spam.
 
Today I feel beaten
by my own vanity
the second sin
of which I am guilty.
 
Because I am fat.
 
I see laugh lines and
crow's feet and
toenail fungus and
fading tattoos and
 
I see my thighs with
silver marks shining
in the mirror
my symbols of motherhood—
 
badges of honor
making me fat.