My Journey to Heaven (Verse Version)

“Hurry up!” my guardian angel said.
“Your body will be awake in a couple of hours! And you would NOT want to miss this!”
So I kicked my body aside and left it behind
And with the angel I went
Far beyond the clouds, far, far beyond the worlds
Beyond the galaxies and the dimensions
To a place no word ever created can describe
Through a gate no human craft could form
Before a structure more beautiful than any palace on Earth heard or unheard of.
“Welcome to Heaven.” the angel said. “This is our Factory of Answers!”
 
Inside, angels were running and flying helter-skelter
Some said this, and some said that about the Boss;
It turns out “the Boss” was coming for His annual tour
And everyone wanted everything done right—fast: “Quick! Quick!”
“You there, preen later!” “Excellent!” “Excellent!”
 
I found the Factory had two departments with three “Sections”
One: the Sincere department, with the Immediate and Waiting Sections,
And two: the Insincere department, with only an Immediate Section
Prayers entered the Factory constantly, coming in on some neat little cards
(card  collectors back on Earth would have paid some good coins for those!)
(Okay, no lie: virtually everything I laid my eyes on was loot-worthy!)
(But…oh, well:) The endless demand was supplied by an endless convoy of Palace chariots
(that’s right: Heaven’s Palace!)
It turns out they were bringing in answers: in all form, shape and size
These were taken in to their respective departments for wrapping and name-tagging
And that was done quickly, without error or pause!
Somehow, the nimble-handed Factory personnel already knew which human name to tag on every answer
And they did all this with happy faces…
(To think that labor cost was actually zero!)
Answers from the Factory’s Immediate Sections were loaded immediately onto delivery chariots
(destination: Earth!)
But I noticed the answers from the Insincere department all had the same size,
Small enough to fit into the cup of the hand
Curious, I asked my guardian angel why.
“Go on!” he prodded brightly. “See for yourself!”
And see for myself, I did.
Although there was no way my eyes could prepare themselves for what they saw
Dust.
Honest-to-goodness dust
Wrapped up neatly in Heaven wrapping
To be sent promptly to whoever it was
That had the effrontery to send Heaven an insincere prayer!
Oh, and as for those humans whose names were on the answers in the Waiting Section,
I discovered they weren’t just left to wait their turn, no!
For the moment, they too had dust-filled consolations
(it was glitter-sprinkled dust)
In more attractive wrappings, of course!
 
Just as I was finishing my tour, I heard the Boss was around: Jesus
In an immaculate white lab coat and helmet.
He went around leisurely on His tour,
But still, we happened to meet at the Factory’s entrance.
 
Up close, I found so many things about Him were so right, they made me feel wrong
But it was His smile that did the most damage
(I could have sworn He was feeling sorry for me for some reason…)
(And don’t even get me started on the fineness of the tux I discovered under that lab coat he’d been wearing)
Luckily for me, (He must have sensed my unease),
He gave me an invitation for something called “the Gathering”
And with that, He excused Himself politely, nodded, turned on His heel
And walked away with a grace that could bring all humans on Earth to their knees,
Crying tears of jealousy!
As I wiped those same tears from my eyes, my unconcerned guardian angel told me there was no time to waste
And with a snap of his fingers
We found ourselves in Heaven’s Palace, goblets in hand.
***
The Gathering was an annual event taking place in the Palace’s throne room
When all Heavenly beings gathered before the Throne
(I was told the batch of angels working at the Factory would have a similar event immediately after)
A dazzling light shone from the end of the room where the Throne was,
But the supernatural beings didn’t seem to have a problem with that
Except one, that is!
The Devil! (Yeah, he was there, too!)
He was the only one wearing sunglasses
And did only those things attention-seekers loved to do in gatherings
(words like “dandy” or “showoff” couldn’t touch the guy, that’s for sure!)
As if he needed to seek any attention, anyway
Many angels were already whispering about him,
Some were even happy he was “going to get caught this time!”
They could barely hide their impatience
When finally, God began to speak, He thank all the angels for their work for humanity
And then began to call each and every one by name
To each angel, He asked a specific question
To which He was to be given an honest answer.
Angel after angel went forward
And then came the moment everyone had been waiting for
 
And God said to the Devil:
“Again you stand accused, this time of giving humans a wandering eye
The root-cause of grave sins like hatred and lust
What do you have to say for yourself?”
And the Devil promptly replied, “That’s human nature—give me some credit, at least!”
And God asked, “Who shall testify against him?”
“We all can.” my guardian angel answered. “But I shall.”
Gripping my hand, he pulled me forward till we were both standing in front of the others
Alongside the Devil
With me (me!) as an exhibit, my guardian angel began to speak,
Telling all of how the Devil used that ‘wandering eye’ to manipulate humanity
And I could only stand there, helpless, while my so-called “guardian angel”
Literally hung me out to dry!
(All my dirty linen, exposed before the most respectable of crowds!)
But the Devil, confident in his cunning, proclaimed his innocence so fervently,
God had to make a pool appear in the middle of the room to pacify the scandalized audience
This move was greeted by a chorus of satisfied murmurs from the angels present
(purportedly, there was ‘no way’ his lies wouldn’t taint the pools water once it touched his skin)
So to prove his word (a lie, of course), the Devil, without a moment of hesitation
Jumped into the pool and lo and behold:
He came out dry!
As eyes widened and mouths fell open, I watched goblets drop
And angels choke
And even heard one swear: “Well, I’ll be damned!”
(Somewhere inside the light that shone from the Throne, I thought I saw a seraph faint.)
And God, as if to taunt His angels,
Said in voice like roll of thunder: “So: who else shall testify against him?”
Visibly unable to utter a single other word,
Those angels who’d managed to hold on to their goblets
Carefully refilled those goblets
And used their drink
To wash their hands of the matter.
So God said: “Acquitted—”
“Of course!” shouted the Devil
“—for now.” God added.
And the Devil smirked.
“Alright.” sighed my guardian angel when he’d found his voice again. “Time for you to go.”
“Wait…what?” I stammered. (the nerve of the guy!)
“What do you mean ‘what’?” he asked innocently
That’s it? No souvenir, no…blessing?” I looked to the Throne
So God told me: “Go in peace, my child.”
“That…wasn’t exactly the kind of blessing I was talking about.” I told Him.
(Well forgive ME for not being bashful!)
“Right now, that is as much blessing as you shall get!” countered God. “If you desire more than this, you know the channel to follow!)
“Ouch!” mocked the Devil, making sure I heard him chuckle
“Well then…” my guardian angel sighed. “Good morning.”
He snapped his fingers
 
And I found myself on my bed, the word “wait” on my lips
My journey to Heaven may have been short and unexpected
But it did suck to be back…
(my insolent alarm clock was busy professing its hatred for me once again…)
I began to wonder why I’d been singled out for the journey, anyway…
Then I remembered my prayer that same night:
I’d asked for fame and riches, cars and houses
In short: all things good!
Not for myself, no, of course not!
But for, um….all these poor souls in this hopeless, hopeless world!
 
Suddenly, I realized the reason for Jesus’ strange smile back then
 
And I burst into tears!