Member Poem

I am looking to find the source of this poem - the date, the author and any other pertinent information. Zero hits on Google.

It is clearly British and from someone very familiar with military procedures - forms, chits, regulations, etc. There is a reference to AIR so later than 1914 or so.

I hope that someone out there can help.

Here is the poem in its entirety:

NETS

COLONIES built a fort for safety’s sake, 
With red-brick barracks, near the marshy lake.

When it was finished GOVERNMENT proclaimed,
“Lakes within mile of barracks must be drained."

BARRACKS objected on financial grounds,
“Draining the lake will cost five thousand pounds"

GOVERNMENT answered: “In re Drainage . . . stet;
Fix doors and windows with mosquito net.

“Order the needed net on Indent Three
MEDICAL TROPICAL ... DEPARTMENT D”

BARRACKS took Indent Three and read the rules
Printed atop by imbeciles for fools.

BARRACKS took measures:  after many days
Completed indents went upon their ways.

The sailors bore them safely oversea, 
The postman brought them to DEPARTMENT D.

DEPARTMENT D replied: “Re nets required . . .
Reply per memo — meshes stringed or wired?”

PBARRACK'S replied: "Your favour, seventh, rec't.
In view of white ants; wire meshes best.”

DEPARTMENT D retorted in reply:
“For wire mesh indent DEPARTMENT I”

BARRACKS replied: “To save time, kindly send 
Indents you hold DEPARTMENT I, your end.”

DEPARTMENT D replied: “See Orders A. -
Indent the proper Dep't in proper way."

BARRACKS replied: “To save re-measurement,
Kindly return the No. 3 Indents sent.”

DEPARTMENT D replied: “The Indents are
Filed, as per Regs., see Six, Jacobus R.”.

BARRACKS again made indents: in the task,
Reams of spoiled papers filled the paper-bask’.

The sailors bore the indents, clean and dry;
The postman gave them to DEPARTMENT I

DEPARTMENT I immediate answer made:
“Report why Requisition thus delayed

“Surprised and shocked that Orders urgent plain
Ignored and flouted. What excuse? Explain.”

DEPARTMENT I made ring a hundred bells,
A hundred subs passed on a thousand hells,

A thousand willing workers wrought as one,
Windows and doors, the netted frames were done.

The sailors bore them safely in their carracks,
The lorry men delivered them to BARRACKS.

BARRACKS announced: “Re Nets. Acknowledge same.
Parade with small arms for Mosquito Frame.”

Battalions mustered; sergeants’ voices hoarse
Shouted “Form fours. Squad as you were. Form fours.”

The netted frames were issued; every file
Formed fours, right-wheeled to the pile.

Took each a frame, Formed Fours, saluted, Formed
Fours and Right-Dressed, as when a city’s stormed.

Soon from the ranks the question, passed along:
“How do we fasten frames where they belong?”

Captains considered, majors looked perplexed,
Colonels, not knowing, could, by rank, be vexed.

The LINE, not knowing, asked the HORSE; the sons
Of Pegasus, the HORSE said: “Ask the Guns”

The GUNS replied: “We know not. It appears
An Ironmonger’s job: Ask ENGINEERS”

'The ENGINEERS replied: “By Barrack Square,
We do not do mechanics: Ask the AIR.”

The AIR replied: “The methods most in use
Are: Nails (the cheapest); Hooks and Eyes; or Screws.”

“Right” said COMMAND “Parade. The order is
Pile all Mosquito Frames. Form fours. Dismiss.”

“And for the frames, we’ll do as AIR advise,
Indent the proper Dep’t for hooks and eyes.”

The frames were piled, the BARRACKS Searched the books
Of Rules prescribing Forms for ordering Hooks.

One Said: “For Hooks, 3, William IV, applies:
Or seems to do, but not for Hooks and Eyes.”

Another said ”But by Department Rules
Hooks count as Doctor’s Comforts, Eyes as Tools”

Another said “Appeal Court makes it good
That Eyes are Ordnance Stores and Hooks are Food.’

Another said: “War Regulations say
Both are Munitions, needing Blue Form A.”

Another said: “Defence Acts: Section P . . .
Says they’re both Rations, needing Blue Form G.”

Another said: “Why go to all the fuss?
Malarial Fever never troubles us.”

“Malarial Fever never has been known
Within the Circuit: leave the thing alone."

“Why nets?” another cried, “As I’m a sinner . .
Why rob the poor mosquito of his dinner?"

“That cannot stop a poison in the air
Invisible, and blowing everywhere.”

Another said: “Ours not to reason why: ’
Let’s get our own back on DEPARTMENT I.”

The Message went: “Mosquito Nets to hand.
No Hooks nor Eyes. We cannot understand.

“Is this incompetence, or is it worse,
Wilful betrayal of the public purse?

“COMMAND and COLONIES await with pain
Eyes, hooks, apologies: Express. Explain. “

DEPARTMENT I replied: “Rule NinetySix
Says MEDICAL gives Nets, but BARRACKS fix.

“Fix as you please, your cost, nor bother thus .
With senile prate. Hooks no concern of us.”

BARRACKS appealed to COLONIES: “Reply,
Following cable from DEPARTMENT I.

“Urge you request Department to provide  .
Fixings omitted with the Nets supplied.

“Nettings as furnished useless until placed,
And Fever season near: no time to waste”

COLONIES cabled, the DEPARTMENT wrote
To STATE DEPARTMENT, LAW: “Attention. Note.

“MEDICAL TROPICAL are asked for Eyes
And Hooks with Nettings. We refuse. Advise.”

LAW (State Departments) said: “Act Seven, Four,
Edward the Second, is applied no more;

“But might be pleaded: Statute, Mary, Nine,
Restraining Soldiery’s a stronger line;

"And in WEST INDIA ISLANDS versus GUNS
A precedent was established which still runs:

"Thus, although the State may greatly grant
All things, in theory, sometimes it can’t.

And when it can’t as in the present case
The it devolves on officers in place

“To improvise and implement until
The State they serve is saved from threatened ill.

“This seems the likeliest line. Advise you cable
BARRACKS affix the Nets themselves if able.

“The trifling cost must be subscribed from Pay.”
BARRACKS received this in the Flanders Way.

They cabled LAW DEPARTMENT, ARMY BRANCH:
MEDICAL TROPICAL makes boldest blanch

“They urge us pay, or plainly so intend,
For Hooks they should have sent and didn’t send.

“Urge that such quibbling be at once opposed.”
LAW (ARMY BRANCH) drew battle-axe and closed.

LAW (STATE DEPARTMENTs) bowed from bitter thwacks
Dealt by LAW’S (ARMY BRANCH’S) battle-axe.

LAWS (ARMY BRANCH’s) battle phalanx cried
“Hooks are your province, instantly provide,

“Or grant the thirty pounds that BARRACKS may”
LAW (STATE DEPARTMENTS) quavered in dismay.

MEDICAL TROPICAL, DEPARTMENT I,
Quavered as well but rallied to reply.

They pressed LAW (STATE DEPARTMENTS) to say thus:
“The cost of Hooking cannot fall on us.

Statutes and Regulations make it plain
We shall not answer such requests again.”

LAW (ARMY BRANCH) applied another force
Their BRANCH’s MEMBER rose in fitting course

And said that Honourable Members heard
Of shocking things (or shocking things averred)

Against the TROPIC BRANCH OF PUBLIC HEALTH
That sickening corruptions crept by stealth.

To Offices, was known: Democracy,
The Greek Sage said, must have a watchful Eye.

That for his own part he would never credit
AV thing so grim, yet everybody said it.

He therefore hoped that Government would sift
The matter out. Enquiry should be swift.

He heard that State Officials, penny wise,
Boggled at heroes having hooks and eyes.

Our brave, defenders under Tropic Suns
Marched hook and eyeless on the foemen’s guns.

If it were so (he could not well believe it),
Let Justice- draw her Sword and Guilt receive it.

He sat, amid applause, and as it died,
LAW’S (STATE DEPARTMENTS’) Member rose and sighed,

And twitched his waistcoat down and Sniffed, and said,
That never yet since Parliament was made

Has charge more stealthy with more brazen brow
Been urged more basely, with less wit, than Now.

The facts were plain: observing recent laws,
TROPICAL HEALTH despatched Mosquito gauze.

To BARRACKS underneath the Tropic Sun
All BARRACKS fixed the Nets excepting one.

One erring BARRACKS only, stood aside,
Ignoring Nets, in military pride.

This BARRACKS being taunted for neglect,
Still sought excuse for failing to erect

These necessary barriers against Death:
He had not eloquence, nor had he breath,

To character in fitting terms their error
He mentioned it with shrinking, nay, with terror

Would Members credit him? These sons of Mars,
Rich with the spoils of many frontier wars,

Refused to pay the paltry sixpence each.
To fix the Nettings. Without further speech

He asked the House to let their Censure fall.
Full on the erring BARRACKS, if at all.

Then, upon one side or another, rose
Members, to urge with thunder or oppose . . .

This way and that they gave sufficient grounds
That BARRACKS pay or not pay, thirty pounds.

GOVERNMENT, lastly rose and said, in fact,
that something somewhere contravened the Act,

That faults were better probed, not by division,
But grave enquiry by a staid Commission.

That such Commission should be promptly named
To settle who should pay and which be blamed.

Straightway the Members of Commission sat
And heard how that was this and this was that.

And heard, the Leaders of DEPARTMENT I
Refuse to pay, since they would rather die.

While BARRACKS cabled first, that Metal Hooks
Were Comforts for the Sick in all the Books.

That Metal Eyes, by all the Regulations,
Were stores for Casualty Clearing Stations.

And that as Stores or Comforts they would all
Die, ere they paid, so let the Heavens fall

Meanwhile the Netted Frames in quiet heaps
Sheltered the barrack kittens’ mid-day sleeps.

And time went by, who grieves not nor exults
But passes and in passing bring results.

Mosquitos came and bi, the fever crept
Into the veins of soldiers as they slept

And fever rose till every other bed.
Held one who babbled from a throbbing head,

And some men died, and half a full platoon
As weak as pith and pallid as the Moon,

Were invalided out, and-shipped away
To England, never more to hear the bray

Of bugle, sergeant, knight or colonel.
The fever burned the Barracks to a shell:

All were as ghosts, who lived, and in their veins,
Still, to this day, the living death remains.

The general, shuddering with fever-quake,
Wrote out the Order: “We must drain the Lake.”

When it was drained, the COLONIES reported
To GOVERNMENT: “Let BARRACKS be transported

Across the Island to another site.”
GOVERNMENT wrote “Suggestion good. Invite “

“Tenders forthwith. Shift BARRACKS across Isle”

The Government Commission sat meanwhile
Hearing the Experts on Mosquito Net
And Hooks and Eyes. 
I’m told they’re sitting yet.