Member Poem

I ask myself how do I have a good bond with my mother?

A bond, is it a bond or I'm just trying to fill gaps between a so called mother daughter relation.

I do talk to her about everything yet nothing. I do talk to her that feels more like I do understand her but I don't.

Isn't it weird I have never hugged my mom out of love, out of pain, out of pity. No never. She's just there we have drawn our boundaries too well as two soldiers on opposite country sides. I don't want to shoot you first but for my survival I must and we both keep on injuring each other till we both loss all the oxygen in our lungs. Until all the bullets from my gun pierces your every muscle and go too deep.

I could talk to you about everything bothering me. How you always command and I have to obey?

How you would stop me from hanging out with friends?

How you would make me eat forcefully, so I can put on some weight and grow up some inches? You did all of this just so I can become a good person while you should have loved me the way I was.

I was like a trophy for you to carry around to put on the display as your prized possession. But I'm not a object I'm a human.

You did all you can do so I don't burn out.

But don't forget you were the first one to blow me out or I might have burned the walls of your house by the fire within me.

Don't worry I won't slam doors on you, I won't talk back to you, I won't ask you to look after me.

All I want from you is after blowing the fire in me out, extinguish the remaining flames and bury my ashes somewhere you can't hear me scream from pain, as my screams would disturb you.

Do you know mother why I won't ever ever say a thing thats been bothering me, why I won't run to you crying why I wont slam the doors of your house too hard?

Because, all of these takes me back when your eyes would fill up but you won't let your tear swim down your cheeks, they would be stained all red by the slap that father would give you on your chubby cheeks that blushes when you smile at me. I said the slap that he would give you and not hit you. Because after it he would be kneeling and rubbing his knees fornt of God to forgive him for treating you badly he would apologize to you, he would come to ask for forgiveness on your door. As if he's the sinner and you are the God . A sinner who sins every night and by day believe God would forgive him and still love him. And that's what you always did. You forgave him with a smile but your eyes we're telling a different story, they were like as you have seen a ghost you were telling me to run from. You smiled and I know you lied. As you told me not to ever mention this to anyone , I didn't but the secret you planted in me have developed roots that grew all over my lungs. And the second time this same happened and you digged an entire grave in me just to bury remains of your last trust. That's the reason why trust issues leak in my chest whenever I talk to you.

You always smile the brightest you could and the deaf blackness behind your eyes always told me you want to cry.

So the blankness in my heart doesn't have the courage to crawl upto my throat and black out your ears from how much I'm putting in to live. The blankness in my heart full from your love cherishes your happiness. So I don't want to see your eyes have that same fear of the ghost you were telling me to run away from. I don't want to end up being a extension of that ghost. That's how much I love you mother.

But the truth is no child can save her mother.

I do blame you I could really bring the walls of your loved house down if I can but I never said I hate you.

I love you and imagining myself ending up with someone like dad and extensions of him could really bring all my hair stand on their end so im keeping up for your sake. I know how hard it's been for you and I want to be the person to hold your pieces without breaking them further more.

You always say I was the easiest child to handle.

And I guess you are right.

I loved to eat fruits, I learned to peel pomegranate on my own, so you don't have to do it for me. My ears were starving for a single word of praise. But, all you can see was the stains of its ripe seed on my shirt and all I can hear were whispers of complain against me that broke me into more pieces than the pomegranate could ever have.

But I still love you,

I love you as the discipline of God loves the sins and the devil,like you are statue of jesus and you forgive your disciples everytime and love them while I'm the servant whose being trying to wipe away all the smear of sin that your disciple bring to the divine you . I wipe them all day and night so you can always remain the divine you are.

But in making you divine I do become unholy as how can a mortal ever touch the God, on top how could a sinful hand make a heart divine.

I guess it would have been better if we met in some other life.

Where you are not my mother, I'm not your daughter.

You are just a simple girl of my age but with too many wounds,

While

I am another simple girl with too many cracks and a broken heart.

We could made the best pair of friends ever.

Thats all I have to say to my mother

But sinners don't complain to God for love they are receiving atleast the God hadn't made them deprived of it.

I do love you and you love me.

That's why we both are hurting each other.