Classic Poem

D. Rat

A Man were better twenty times be a bandog & barke,
Then here among such a sort, be parish priest
Where he shal neuer be at rest, one pissing while a day
But he must trudge about the towne, this way, and that way,
Here to a drab, there to a theefe, his shoes to teare and rent
And that which is worst of al, at euery knaues commauindement
I had not sit the space, to drmke two pots of ale
But Gammer gurtons sory boy, was straite way at my taile,
And she was sicke, and I must come, to do I wot not what,
If once her fingers end but ake, trudge, call for Doctor Rat
And when I come not at their call, I only therby loose,
For I am sure to lacke therfore, a tythe pyg or a goose
I warrant you when truth is knowen, & told they haue their tale
The inatter where about I come, is not worth a half peny worth of ale,
Yet must I talke so sage and smothe, as though I were a glosier
Els or the yere come at an end, I shalbe sure the loser.

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What worke ye gammer gurton? hoow here is your frend M. Rat.

Gammer

A Sood M. Doctor cha trobled, cha trobled you, chwot wel that

D. Rat

How do ye woman: be ye lustie, or be ye not wel at ease:

Gammer

By gys inaster cham not sick, but yet chaue a disease.
Chad a foule turne now of late, chill tell it you by gigs.

D.Rat

Hath your browne cow cast hir calfe, or your sandy sowe her pigs

Gammer

No, but chad ben as good they had, as this ich wot weel.

D. Rat

What is the matter?

Gammer

Alas alas, cha lost my good neele,
My neele I say, and wot ye what: a drab came by and spied it
And when I asked hir for the same, the filth flatly denied it.

D. Rat

What was she that:

Gammer

A dame ich warrant you: she began to scold and brawle
Alas, alas, come hether Hodge: this wretche can tell you all.

The iiii. Acte. The ii. Sceane.

Hodge

God morow gaffer Vicar

D. Rat 2 Come on fellow let vs heare.

Thy dame hath sayd to me, thou knowest of all this geare,
Lets see what thou canst saie.

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Hodge

Bym fay sir that ye shall,
What matter so euer here was done, ich can tell your maship all
My Gammer gurton heare see now, sat her downe at this doore, see now:
And as she began to stirre her, see now, her neele fell in the floore, see now.
And while her staffe she tooke, see now, at Gyb her Cat to flynge, see now,
Her neele was lost in the floore, see now is not this a wondrous thing, see now?
Then came the queane Dame Chat, see now to aske for hir blacke cup, see now:.
And euen here at this gate, see now: she tooke that neele vp, see now.
My Gammer then she yeede, see now hir neele againe to bring, see now
And was caught by the head see now is not this a wondrous thing, see now
She tare my Gammers cote see now and scratched hir by the face, see now
Chad thought shad stopt hir throte, see now is not this a wondrous case, see now?
When ich saw this, ich was wrothe see now and start betwene them twaine, see now
Els ich durst take a booke othe, see now my Gammer had bene slaine, see now.

Gammer

This is euen the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly tolde
And chould faine be quiet for my part, that chould
But helpe vs good master, beseech ye that ye doo
Els shal we both be beaten and lose our neele too

D. Rat

What wold ye haue me to doo? tel me that I were gone
I will do the best that I can, to set you both at one

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But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your neele founde —

Gammer

Here comes the man that see hir take it vp of the ground,
Aske him your selfe master Rat if ye beleue not me
And helpe me to my neele, for gods sake and samt charitie.

D. Rat

Come nere diccon and let vs heare, what thou can expresse.
Wilt yu be swome yu seest dame chat. this womans neele haue?

Diccon

Nay by S. Benit wil I not, then might ye thmke me raue.

Gammer

Why didst not yu tel me so euen here canst yu for shame deny it

Diccon

I mary gammer. but I said I wold not abide by it,

D. Rat

Will you say a thmg, and not sticke to it to trieit?

Diccon

Stick to it quoth you master rat, mary sir I defyit,
Nay there is many an honest main, when he suche blastes hath blowne
In his freindes eares, he woulde be loth the same by him were knowne
If such a toy be vsed oft among the honestie
It may beseme a simple man, of your and my degree

D. Rat

Then we be neuer the nearer, for all that you can tell,

Diccon

Yes mary sir, if ye will do by mine aduise and counsaile,
If mother chat se al vs here, she knoweth how the matter goes
Therefore I red you three go hence, and within keepe close,
And I will into dame chats house, and so the matter vse,
That or you cold go twise to church, I warant you here news,
She shal looke wel about hir, but I durst lay a pledge,
Ye shal of gammers neele, haue shortly better knowledge.

Gammer

Now gentle Diccon do so, and good sir let vs trudge.

D. Rat

By the masse I may not tarry so long to be your iudge.

Diccon

Tys but a litle while man, what take so much paine,
If I here no newes of it I will come sooner againe.

Hodge

Tary so much, good master Doctor of your gentlenes.

D. Rat

Then let vs hie vs inward, and Diccon speede thy busines.

Diccon

Now sirs do you no more, but kepe my counsaile iuste,
And Doctor Rat shall thus catch, some good I trust,
But mother Chat my gossop, talke first with all I must:
For she must be chiefe captaine to lay the Rat in the dust.
God deuen dame Chat in faith, and wel met in this place.

Chat

God deuen my friend Diccon, whether walke ye this pace?

Diccon

By my truth euen to you, to learne how the world goeth,
Hard ye no more of the other matter, say me now by your troth

Chat

O yes diccon, here the olde hoore, & hodge that great knaue
But in faith I would thou hadst sene, o lord I drest them braue
She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the necke
Till I made hir olde wesen, to answere againe kecke
And Hodge that dirty dastard, that at hir elbow standes,
If one paire of legs had not bene worth two paire of hands
He had had his bearde shauen, if my nayles wold haue serued
And not without a cause, for the knaue it well deserued.

Diccon

By the masse I can the thank wench, yu didst so wel acquite the

Chat

And thadst seene him Diccon, it wold haue made ye beshite the
For laughter. The horsen dolt at last caught vp a club,
As though he would haue slaine the master deuil Belsabub,
But I set him soone inwarde.

iccon

O Lorde there is the thing
That Hodge is so offended, that makes him starte and flyng

Chat

Why? makes the knaue any moyling, as ye haue sene or hard

iccon

Euen now I sawe him last, like a mad man he farde,
And sware by heauen and hell, he would a wreake his sorowe
And leue you neuer a hen on hue, by viii. of the clock to morow,
Therfore marke what I say, and my wordes see that ye trust
Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leaue them on the ruste.

Chat

The knaue dare as wel go hang himself, as go vpon my ground

Diccon

Wel yet take hede I say, I must tel you my tale round,
Haue you not about your house, behind your fumace or leade.
A hole where a crafty knaue, may crepe in for neade?

Chat

Yes by the masse, a hole broke down, euen wtin these ii. dayes.

Diccon

Hodge, he intendes this same night, to slip in there awayes.

Chat

O christ that I were sure of it, in faith he shuld haue his mede.

Diccon

Watch wel, for the knaue wil be there as sure as is your crede
I wold spend my selfe a shilling: to haue him well.

Chat

I am as glad as a woman can be, of this thing to here tell
By gogs bones when he commeth, now that I know the matter
He shal sure at the first skip, to leape in scalding water:
With a worse turne besides, when he will, let him come.

Diccon

I tell you as my sister, you know what meaneth mum,
Now lacke I but my doctor, to play his part againe.
And lo where he commeth towards, Peraduenture to his paine.

D. Rat

What good newes Diccon? fellow, is mother chat at home,

Diccon

She is syr, and she is not, but it please her to whome:
Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.

D. Rat

The thing that thou wentst for, hast thou brought it to passe?

Diccon

I haue done that I haue done, be it worse, be it better.
And dame Chat at her wyts ende, I haue almost set her.

D. Rat

Why hast thou spied the neele quickly I pray thee tell

Diccon

I haue spyed it in faith sir, I handled my selfe so well,
And yet the crafty queane, had almost take my trumpe.
But or all came to an ende, I set her in a dumpe:

D. Rat

How so I pray thee Diccon?

Diccon

Mary syr will ye heare?
She was clapt downe on the backside, by cocks mother dere
And there she sat sewing a halter, or a bande,
With no other thing saue gammers nedle in her hande,
As soone as any knocke, if the filth be in doubte,
She needes but once puffe, and her candle is out:.
Now I sir knowing of euery doore the pin,
Came nycely, and said no worde, till time I was within,
And there I sawe the neele, euen with these two eyes,
Who euer say the contrary, I will sweare he lyes.

D. Rat

O Diccon that I was not there, then in thy steade.

Diccon

Well, if ye will be ordred, and do by my reade,
I will bring you to a place, as the house standes.
Where ye shall take the drab, with the neele in her handes

D. Rat

For Gods sake do so Diccon, and I will gage my gowne
To geue thee a full pot, of the best ale in the towne,

Diccon

Follow me but a litle, and marke what I will say.
Lay downe your gown beside you, go to, come on your way.
Se ye not what is here? a hole wherin ye inay creepe
Into the house, and sodenly vnwares among them leape,
There shal ye finde the Bitchfox, and the neele together
Do as I bid you man, come on your wayes hether.

D. Rat

Art thou sure diccon, the swil tub standes not here aboute.

Diccon

I was within my selfe man euen now, ther is no doubt,
Go softly, mike no noyse giue me your foote sir John,
Here will I waite wpon you tyl you come out anone.

D. Rat

Helpe Diccon, out alas, I shal be slaine among them

Diccon

If they giue you not the nedle, tel them that ye will hang them
Ware that, hoow my wenches, haue ye caught the Fuxe,
That vsed to make reuel, among your hennes and
Cocks:.
Saue his life yet for his order. though he susteine some paine
Gogs bread, I am afraide, they wil beate out his braine

D. Rat

Wo worth the houre that I came heare.
And wo worth him that wrought this geare,
A sort of drabs and queanes haue me blest,
Was euer creature halfe so euill drest?
Who euer it wrought, and first did inuent it,
He shall I warrant him, erre long repent it,
I will spend all I haue without my skinne
But he shall be brought to the plight I am in,
Master Bayly I trow and he be worth his eares,
Will snaffle these murderers and all that them beares,
I will surely neither byte nor suppe
Till I fetch him hether this matter to take vp