Classic Poem

Bailie

I Can perceiue none other, I speke it from my hart
But either ye ar in al the fault or els in ye greatest part

D. Rat

If it be counted his fault, besides all his greeues
When a poore man is spoyled: and beaten among theeues?
Then I confesse my fault herein, at this season,
But I hope you wil not iudge so much against reason.

Baily

And me thinkes by your owne tale, of all that ye name,
If any plaid the theefe you were the very same.
The women they did nothing, as your words make probation
But stoutly withstood your forcible inuasion,
If that a theefe at your window, to enter should begin,
Wold you hold forth your hand, and helpe to pull him in:.
Or you wold kepe him out: I pray you answere me.

D. Rat

Mary kepe him out, and a good cause why:.
But I am no theefe sir but an honest learned
Clarke,

Baily

Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the darke
I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose,
Was it any maruaile, though the poore woman arose
And start vp, being afraide of that was in hir purse
Me thinke you may be glad that your lucke was no worse.

D. Rat

Is not this euill ynough, I pray you as you thinke,

Baily

Yea but a man in the darke, if chaunces do wincke,
As soone he smites his father, as any other man,
Because for lacke of hght, disceme him he ne can,
Might it not haue ben your lucke, wt a spit to haue ben slaine.

D. Rat

I thinke I am litle better, my scalpe is clouen to the braine,
If there be all the remedy, I know who beares the knockes

Baily

By my troth and well worthy, besides to kisse the stockes
To come in on the backe side, when ye might go about,
I know non such, vnles they long to haue their braines knockt out

D. Rat

Well, wil you be so good sir, as talke with danie Chat?
And know what she intended. I aske no more but that.

Bayly

Let her be called fellow because of master doctor,
I warrant in this case, she wil be hir owne Froctor,
She will tel hir owne tale in metter or in prose,
And byd you seeke your remedy, and so go wype your nose.

The v. Acte. The ii Sceane.

Bayly

DAme Chat, master doctor vpon you here complained
That you & your maides shuld him much mis-order.
And taketh many an oth, that no word he fained,
Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder:
And on his part againe, that same inan saith furder
He neuer offended you in word nor intent,
To heare you answer hereto, we haue now for you sent.

Chat

That I wold haue murdered him, fye on him wretch,
And euil mought he thee for it, our Lord I besech,
I will swere on al the bookes that opens and shuttes
He faineth this tale out of his owne guttes,
For this seuen weeks with me, I am sure he sat not downe,
Nay ye haue other minions, in the other end of the towne,
Where ye were liker to catch such a blow,
Then any where els, as farre as I know.

Baily

Belike then master Doctor, yon stripe there ye got not?

D. Rat

Thinke you I am so mad, that where I was bet,
I wot not?
Will ye beleue this queane, before she hath tryd it?
It is not the first dede she hath done and after-ward denide it.

Chat

What man, will you say I broke your head?

D. Rat

How canst thou proue the contrary?

Chat

Nay, how prouest thou that I did the deade

D. Rat

To plainly, by S. Hary.
This profe I trow may serue, though I no word spoke.

Chat

Bicause thy head is broken, was it I that it broke?
I saw thee Rat I tel thee, not once within this fortnight,

D. Rat

No mary, thou sawest me not, for why thou hadst no light,
But I felt thee for al the darke, beshrew thy smothe cheekes,
And thou groped me, this wil declare, any day this six weekes

Baily

Answere me to this M. Rat, when caught you this harme of yours?

D. Rat

A while a go sir, god he knoweth, wtin les then these ii. houres.

Baily

Dame Chat was there none with you: (confesse I faith) about that season.
What wonian, let it be what it wil, tis neither felony nor treason

Chat

Yes by my faith master Bayly, there was a knaue not farre
Who caught one good Philup on the brow, with a dore barre
And well was he worthy, as it semed to mee,
But what is that to this inan, since this was not hee

Baily

Who was it then? lets here.

D. Rat

Alas sir, aske you that?
Is it not made plain inough (by the owne mouth of daine chat)
The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tong can not lye,
Onely vpon a bare, nay she saith it was not I.

Chat

No mary was it not indeede ye shal here by this one thing,
This after noone a frend of mine, for good wil gaue me warning
And bad me wel loke to my ruste, and al niy Capons pennes,
For if I toke not better heede, a knaue wold haue my hennes,
Then I to saue my goods, toke so much pains as him to watch
And as good fortune serued me, it was my chaunce him for to catch
What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gaines
I wot not, but sure I am, he had something for his paines

Baily

Yet telles thou not who it was.

Chat

Who it was a false theefe,
That came like a false Foke, my pullaine to kil and mischeefe.

Baily

But knowest thou not his name?

Chat

I know it but what than,
It was that crafty cullyon Hodge my gammer gurtons man.

Bailie

Cal me the knaue hether, he shal sure kysse the stockes.
I shall teach him a lesson, for filching hens or cocks

D. Rat

I maruaile master bayly, so bleared be your eyes.
An egge is not so ful of meate, as she is ful of lyes:.
When she hath playd this pranke, to excuse al this geare,
She layeth the fault in such a one, as I know was not there.

Chat

Was he not thear loke on his pate, that shalbe his witnes.

D. Rat

I wold my head were half so hole, I wold seeke no redresse.

Baily

God bless you gammer Gurton.

Gammer

God dylde you master mine. wtin thy house, hodge, a ser-uant of thine.
They tel me that busy knaue, is such a filching one,
That Hen, Fig, goose or capon, thy neighbour can haue none,

Gammer

By god cham much ameued, to heare any such reporte:
Hodge was not wont ich trow, to baue him in that sort.

Chat

A theeuisher knaue is not on liue, more filching. nor more false
Many a truer man then he, hase hanged vp by the halse
And thou his dame of al his theft, thou art the sole receauer
For hodge to catch, and thou to kepe, I neuer knew none better

Gammer

Sir reuerence of your masterdome, and you were out adoore,
Chold be so bolde for al hir brags, to cal hir arrant whoore,
And ich knew Hodge so bad as tow, ich wish me endlesse sorow
And chould not take the pains, to hang him vp before to morow?

Chat

What haue I stolne from the or thine: thou ilfauored olde trot.

Gammer

A great deale more (by Gods blest,) then cheuer by the got,
That thou knowest wel I neade not say it.

Baily

Stoppe there I say,
And tel me here I pray you, this matter by the way:.
How chaunce hodge is not here him wold I faine haue had.

Gammer

Alas sir, heel be here anon, ha be hapdled to bad.

Chat

Master bayly, sir ye be not such a foole wel I know,
But ye perceiue by this lingring, there is a pad in the straw.

Gammer

Chil shew you his face, ich warrant the, now where he is.

Bailie

Come on fellow it is tolde me thou art a shrew iwysse.
Thy neighbours hens yu takest, and playes the two legged foxe
Their chikens & their capons to, & now and then their Cocks.

Hodge

Ich defy them al that dare it say, cham as true as the best

Baily

Wart not yu taken within this houre, in dame chats hens nest?

Hodge

Taken there? no master chold not dot, for a house ful of gold.

Chat

Thou or the deuil in thy cote, sweare this I dare be bold

D. Rat

Sweare me no swearing quean, the deuill he geue the sorow,
Is not worth a gnat, thou canst sweare till to morow,
Where is the harme he hath? shew it by gods bread,
Ye beat him with a witnes, but the stripes light on my head.

Hodge

Bet me? gogs blessed body, chold first ich trow haue burst the
Ich thinke and chad my hands loose callet chould haue crust the.

Chat

Thou shitten knaue I trow yu knowest ye ful weight of my fist
I am fowly deceiued, onles thy head & my doore bar kyste.

Hodge

Hold thy chat whore yu criest so loude, can no man els be hard

Chat

Well knaue, & I had the alone, I wold surely rap thy costard.

Bayly

Sir answer me to this, is thy head whole or broken?

Chat

Yea master Bayly, blest be euery good token.

Hodge

Is my head whole? ich warrant you, tis neither scuruy nor scald
What you foule beast, does think tis cither pild or bald.
Nay ich thanke god: chil not for al that thou maist spend
That chad one scab on my narse, as brode as thy fingers end

Bayly

Come nearer heare.

Hodge

Yes That ich dare

Bayly

By our Lady here is no harme,
Hodges head is hole ynough, for al dame Chats charme.

Chat

By gogs blest, how euer the thing he clockes or smolders,
I know the blowes he bare away, either wt head or shoulders,
Camest yu not knaue within this houre, crepmg mto my pens
And there was caught within my hous, gropig among my hens.

Hodge

A plage both on thy hens & the, a carte whore, a carte,
Chould I were hanged as hie as a tree, & chware as false as yu art
Geue my gammer again her washical, yu stole away in thy lap.

Gammer

Yea maister baily there is a thmg, you know not on may hap
This drab she kepes away my good, ye deuil he might her snare
Ich pray you that ich might haue, a right action on her.

Chat

Haue I thy good old filth, or any such old sowes?
I am as true, I wold thou knew, as skin betwene thy browes

58

Gammer

Many a truer hath ben hanged, though you escape the daunger

Chat

Thou shalt answer by gods pity, for this thy foule slaunder

Baily

Why, what can ye charge hir withal? to say so, ye do not well.

Gammer

Mary a vengeance to hir hart, yt whore hase stoln my neele.

Chat

Thy nedle old witch, how so? it were almes thy scul to knock
So didst thou say, the other day, that I had stolne thy Cock
And rosted him to my breakfast, which shal not be forgotten,
The deuil pul out thy lying tong, and teeth that be so rotten

Gammer

Geue me my neele, as for my cocke, chould be very loth
That chuld here tel he shuld hang, on thy fals faith and troth.

Baily

Your talke is such, I can scarse learne who shuld be most in fault bred & salt

Baily

Kepe ye content a while, se that your tonges ye holde,
Me thinkes you shuld remembre, this is no place to scolde,
Nedle had?

Gammer

To name you sir the party, chould not be very glad.

Baily

Yea but we must nedes heare it, & therfore say it boldly.

Gammer

Such one as told the tale, full soberly and coldly,

59

What time this drunken gossip, my faire long neele vp tooke
Diccon (master) the Bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.

Bailie

A false knaue by Gods pitie, ye were but a foole to trow him,
I durst auenture wel the price of my best cap,
That when the end is knowen, all wil turue to a iape,
Tolde he not you that besides she stole your
Cocke that tyde?

Gammer

No master no indede, for then he shuld haue lyed,
My cocke is I thanke Christ, safe and wel a fine

Chat

Yea but that ragged colt, that whore that tyb of thine
Said plainly thy cocke was stolne, & in my house was eaten,
That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and beaten,
And yet for al my good name, it were a small amendes
I picke not this geare (hearst thou) out of my fingers endes
But he that hard it told me, who thou of late didst naine
Diccon whom al men knowes, it was the very same.

Baily

This is the case, you lost your nedle about the dores
And she answeres againe, she hase no cocke of yours,
Thus in your talke and Action, from that you do intend,
She is whole fiue inile wide, froin that she doth defend.
Will you saie she hath your Cocke?

60

Gammer

No mery sir that chil not,

Bayly

Will you confesse hir neele?

Chat

Will I? no sir I will not

Bayly

Then there lieth all the matter.

Gammer

Soft master by the way,
Ye know she could do litle, and she cold not say nay.

Bayly

Yea but he that made one he about your Cock stealing,
Wil not sticke to make another, what time lies be in dealing
Tweene, the ende wil proue, this brawle did first arise,
Upon no other ground, but only Diccons lyes.

Chat

Though some be lyes as you belike haue espyed them,
Yet other some be true, by proof I haue wel tryed them.

Bayly

What other thing beside this dame Chat.

Chat

Mary syr euen this,
The tale I tolde before, the selfe same tale it was his,
He gaue me like a frende, warning against my losse,
Els had my hens be stolne, eche one, by Gods crosse:
He tolde me Hodge wold come, and in he came
But as the matter chaunsed, with greater hast then speede,
This truth was said, and true was found, as truly
I report.

Bayly

If Doctor Rat be not deceiued, it was of another sort.

D. Rat

By Gods mother thou and he, be a cople of suttle foxes,

61

Betweene you and Hodge, I beare away the boxes,
Did not diccon apoynt the place, wher yu shuldst stand to mete him

Chat

Yes by the masse, & if he came, bad me not sticke to speet hym.

D. Rat

Gods sacrament the villain knaue hath drest vs round about,
He is the cause of all this brawle, that dyrty shitten loute:.
When gammer gurton here coinplained, & made a ruful mone
I heard him sweare yt you had gotten, hir nedle that was gone,
And this to try he furder said, he was ful loth how be it
He was content with small adoe, to bring me where to see it.
And where ye sat, he said ful certain, if I wold folow his read
Into your house a priuy way, he wold me guide and leade,
And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clowte,
And set me in the backe hole, therby to finde you out
And whiles I sought a quietnes, creping vpon my knees,
I found the weight of your dore bar, for my reward and fees,
Such is the lucke that some men gets, while they begin to mel
In setting at one such as were out, minding to make al wel.

Hodge

Was not wel blest gammer, to scape y scoure. & chad ben there
Then chad ben drest be like, as ill by the masse, as gaffar vicar

Bayly

Mary sir, here is a sport alone, I loked for such an end
If diccon had not playd the knaue, this had ben sone amend
My gammer here he made a foole, and drest hir as she was
And goodwife Chat he set to scole, till both partes cried alas,
And D. Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare,
I wold the knaue had ben starke blind, if hodg had not his share.

Hodge

Cham meetly wel sped alredy amongs, cham drest like a coult
And chad not had the better wit, chad bene made a doult

Bayly

Sir knaue make hast diccon were here, fetch him where euer he bee

Chat

Fie on the villaine, fie, fie, yt makes vs thus agree,

Gammer

Fie on him knaue, with all my hart, now fie, and fie againe.

D.Rat

Now fie on him may I best say, whom he hath almost slaine.
Lo where he commeth at hand, belike hewas not fare
Diccon heare be two or three, thy company can not spare.

Diccon

God blesse you, and you may be blest so many al at once

Chat

Come knaue, it were a good deed to geld the by cockes bones
Seest not thy handiwarke? sir Rat can ye for-bearn him?

Diccon

A vengeance on those hands lite, for my hands cam not nere hym
The horsen priest hath lift the pot, in some of these ale wyves chayres
That his head wolde not serue him, belyke to come downe the stayres.

Baily

Nay soft, thou maist not play ye knaue, & haue this language to
If thou thy tong bridle a while, the better maist
Confesse the truth as I shall aske, and cease a while to fable.
And for thy fault I promise the, thy handlmg shalbe reasonable
Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the eares?

Diccon

What if I haue? fiue hundred such haue I seene within these seuen yeares:
I am sory for nothing else but that I see not the sport
Which was betwene them when they met, as they then selues report

Bayly

The greatest thing master rat, ye se how he is drest.

Diccon

What deuil nede he be groping so depe, in good-wife Chats hes nest

Bayly

Yea but it was thy drift to bring him into ye briars.

Diccon

Gods bread, hath not such an old foole, wit to saue his eares?
He showeth himselfe herein ye see, so very a coke,
The Cat was not so madly alured by the Foxe,
To run into the snares, was set for him doubtlesse,
For he leapt in for myce, and this sir Iohn for madnes.

D. Rat

Well and ye shift no better, ye losel, lyther, and lasye,
I will go neare for this, to make ye leape at a Dasye
In the kings name master Bayly, I charge you set him fast.

Diccon

What fast at cardes, or fast on slepe? it is the thing I did last.

D. Rat

Nay fast in fetters false varlet, according to thy deedes.

Bayly

Master doctor ther is no remedy, I must intreat you needes
Some other kinde of punishment

D. Rat

Nay by all Halowes,
His punishment if I may iudg, shalbe naught els but the gallous

Bayly

That were to sore, a spiritual man to be so extreame.

D. Rat

Is he worthy any better, sir how do ye iudge and deame?

Bayly

I graunt him worthie punishment, but in no wise so great

Gammer

It is a shame ich tel you plaine, for such false knaues intreat
He has almost vndone vs al, that is as true as steele:
And yet for al this great ado'cham neuer the nere iny neele.

Bayly

Canst yu not say any thing to that diccon, with least or most?

Diccon

Yea mary sir, thus much I can say wel, the nedle is lost,

Bayly

Nay canst not thou tel which way, that nedle may be found

Diccon

No by my fay sir, though I might haue an hundred pound.

Hodge

Thou her lickdish didst not say the neele wold be gitten?

Diccon

No hodge by the same token, you where that time beshitten?
For feare of Hobgobling, you wot wel what I meane,
As long as it is sence, I feare me yet ye be scarce cleane

Bayly

Wel master rat, you must both learne, & teach vs to forgeue
Since Diccon hath confession made, & is so cleane shreue
If ye to me conscent, to amend this heauie chaunce,
I wil inioyne him here, some open kind of pen-aunce.
Of this condition, where ye know my fee is twenty pence
For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispence,
Ye shal go quite, so that ye graunt, the matter now to run,
To end with mirth emong vs al euen as it was begun.

Chat

Say yea master vicar, & he shal sure confes to be your detter
And al we that be heare present, wil loue you much the better

D. Rat

My partis the worst, but since you alhere on agree.
Go euen to master Bayly, let it be so for mee,

Bayly

How saiest thou diccon, art content this shal on me depend

Diccon

Go to M. Bayly say on your mind, I know ye are my frend?

Bayly

Then marke ye wel, to recompence this thy former action
Because thou hast offended al, to make them satisfaction,

Before their faces, here kneele downe, & as I shal the teach
For thou shalt take on othe, of hodges leather breache
First for master Doctor, wpon paine of his cursse,
Where he wil pay for al, thou neuer draw thy pursse,
And when ye meete at one pot, he shal haue the first Pull,
And thou shalt neuer offer him the cup, but it be full
To goodwife chat thou shalt be swome, euen on the same wyse
If she refuse thy inoney once, neuer to offer it twise.
Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost take it
When thou maist drinke of free cost, thou neuer forsake it.
For gammer gurtons sake, againe sworne shalt hou bee
To helpe hir to hir nedle againe if it do lie in thee
And hkewise be bouind: by the vertue of that
To be of good abering to Gib hir great Cat
Last of al for Hodge, the othe to scanne,
Thou shalt neuer take him, for fine gentleman.

Hodge

Come on fellow Diccon chalbe euen with thee now.

Bayly

Thou wilt not sticke to do this Diccon I trow.

Diccon

No by my fathers skin, my hand downe I lay it?
Loke as I haue promised, I wil not denay it,
But Hodge take good heede now, thou do not beshite me.

Hodge

Gogs hart thou false villame dost thou bite me?

Bayly

What Hodge doth he hurt the or euer he begin.

Hodge

He thrust me into the buttocke, with a bodkin or a pin,
I saie Gammer, Gammer?

Gammer

How now Hodge, how now.

Hodge

Gods malt Gammer gurton.

Gammer

Thou art inad ich trow.

Hodge

Will you see the deuil Gammer.

Gammer

The deuil sonne, god blesse vs.

Hodge

Chould iche were hanged Gammer.

Gammer

Mary so ye might dresse vs.

Hodge

Chaue it by the masse Gammer

Gammer

What not my neele Hodge?

Hodge

Your Neele Gammer, your neele.

Gammer

No fie, dost but dodge.

Hodge

Cha found your neele Gammer, here in my hand be it

Gammer

For al the loues on earth Hodge, let me see it.

Hodge

Soft Gammer.

Gammer

Good Hodge.

Hodge

Soft ich say, tarie a while.

Gammer

Nay sweete Hodge say truth, and do not me begile.

Hodge

Cham sure on it ich warrant you — it goes no more a stray

Gammer

Hodge when I speake so faire: wilt stil say me nay

Hodge

Go neare the light gammer, this wel in faith good lucke:
Chwas almost vndone — twas so far in my buttocke

Gammer

Tis min owne deare neele Hodge, sykerly I wot

Hodge

Chani I not a good sonne gammer, cham I not,

Gammer

Christs blessing light on thee, hast made me for euer

Hodge

Ich knew that ich must finde it, els choud a had it neuer.

Chat

By my troth Gossyp gurton, I am euen as glad
As though I mme owne selfe as good a turne had:.

Bayly

And I by my concience, to see it so come forth,
Reioyce so much at it, as three nedles be worth.

D. Rat

I am no whit sory to see you so reioyce.

Diccon

Nor I much the gladder for al this noyce:
Yet say gramercy Diccon, for springing of the gaine

Gammer

Grammercy Diccon twenty times, o how glad cham,
If that Chould do so much, your masterdome to come hether,
Master Rat, goodwife Chat, and Diccon together:
Cha but one halfpeny, as far as iche know it,
And chil not rest this night, till ich bestow it.
If euer ye loue me, let vs go in and drinke

Bayly

I am content if the rest thmke as I thinke?
Master Rat it shalbe best for you if we so doo,
Then shall you warme you and dresse your self too.

Diccon

Soft syrs, take vs with you, the company shalbe the more,
As proude coms behinde they say, as any goes before,
But now my good masters since we must be gone
And leaue you behinde vs, here all alon:
Since at our last ending thus mery we bee,
For Gammer Gurtons nedle sake, let vs haue a plaudytie.