Classic Poem

If perchance you're young and charming, and you're married to a man
Who, though tender and devoted, is a bore,
You will have no cause to worry if you follow out my plan,
And your husband will not bore you any more.

Get a rifle or revolver, and with well-directed aim
Plug your dear devoted spouse behind the ears.
Play your part with skill demurely, and I'll promise that you'll surely
Be acquitted by a jury of your peers.

For murder isn't murder if a woman's young and fair,
And chivalry's not dead, I'm glad to say.
If a woman's sweet and tender every man's her staunch defender,
It's the homely unattractive ones who pay.
Yes, murder isn't murder if you've beauty, youth and charm,
For your tale will move the populace to tears.
Though your husband you've shot dead you'll find that men will want to wed you
When acquitted by a jury of your peers.

When you're lying in your prison don't surrender to despair
Though your neighbors may be murderers and crooks,
For your sympathetic friends will try to cheer you while you're there
With attentive gifts of candy and of books.

The press will print your picture and the story of your life,
And describe your hats and costumes in detail,
And you'll find it necessary to employ a secretary
To reply to your accumulated mail.

For murder isn't murder if a woman's young and fair,
And thank goodness that our jurors are not blind.
When you gave your maiden heart you swore you'd love till death did part you,
But a woman has a right to change her mind.
Oh, murder isn't murder if you've beauty, youth and charm
And can captivate the twelve good men and true.
Any pretty face can lead 'em and when once you've gained your freedom
You can load your gun again for number two.