Classic Poem

To the Tune of The Blind Beggar of Bednall-green

1

My Muse, to prevent lest an after-clap come,
If the winde should once more turn about for the Bum,
As a preface of honour, and not as a frump,
First with a Sirreverence ushers the Rump .

2.

I shall not dispute whether Long-tails of Kent ,
Or Papist this name of disgrace did invent;
Whose Legend of lies, do defame us the more,
Hath entail'd on us Rumps ne're heard on before.

3.

But now on its Pedigree longer to think,
(For the more it is stir'd the more it will stink)
'Tis agreed the Rumps first report in the Town
Did arise from the wooden invention of Brown .

4.

Old Oliver's nose had taken in snuff
When it sate long ago, some unsavoury puff;
Then up went the Rump , and was ferkt to the quick,
But it setled in spight of the teeth of poor Dick .

5.

Then the Knight of the Pestle, King Lambert , and Vane ,
With a Scepter of Iron did over it reign:
But the Rump soon re-setled, and to their disgrace,
Like Excrements voided them out of the place.

6.

It did now, like a Truant's well-disciplin'd Bum,
With the rod of affliction harder become;
Or else like the Image in Daniel it was,
Whose Head was of Gold, but whose Tayl was of brass.

7.

It endured the first heat, and proved no starter,
But sung in the midst of the flames like a Martyr,
And whisk'd the Tayl like a terrible Farter,
And sounded most chearfully, Vive Sir Arthur .

8.

But the next fire Ordeal put into a dump,
Sir Orlando the furious chief joynt of the Rump ,
That he looked like the picture of Richard the Third,
Or like an ejected and frost-bitten I——.

9.

'Tis said that his Durindana he drew,
And a Wight on the Road most manfully slew?
But, pardon'd by Charles , made good what they tell us,
How ill 'tis to save a thief from the Gallows.

10.

Being now to be burn'd, he soon did expire,
For he was but a flash, and would quickly take fire,
So that their fewel upon him to spend,
What was it but Coals to Newcastle to send?

11.

To bring 'em to th' stake as in order they lye,
Harry Martyn the next place must occupy;
'Twas expected in vain he should blaze, for he swore,
That he had been burnt to the stumps before.

12.

Tom Scot for the Bum most stifly did stand,
Though once by a Bum he was fouly trapand;
But time and his office of Secretary
Had learnt him his Business more private to carry.

13.

Some thought he arriv'd at his dignity first,
By being so well in iniquity verst,
The mystery of which he hath practis'd of late
In his Function, which was, to be Baud to the State.

14.

Hob Morley in silence did surfer the losse
Of his Rump , and with patience took up the Crosse,
That to see him so sing'd and so scorcht you would swear
No Camel more meekly his burden could bear.

15.

The Speaker was thought to the Rump to be true,
Because like a Fart at first he burnt blew;
But streight he was cunningly seen to retire,
For fear to endanger the Rolls in the fire.

16.

St. John a mortal of flesh and of blood,
Swore by St. Peter the example was good:
So facing about and shifting his station,
He turn'd o're a new leaf in St. Johns Revelations .

17.

Harry Nevil that looks like a Mahomets pigeon,
Accused to be of a State-mans Religion,
Is left to his choyce what processe hee'll have,
To be burnt for an Atheist , or hang'd for a Knave.

18.

Now stop thy Nose reader, for Atkins doth come,
That shame to the Breeches as well as the Bum ,
To wish he was burnt were an idle desire,
For he comes provided to shit out the fire.

19.

But least he without a Companion should be,
Here's Lisle that comes next stinks worser than he;
So fouly corrupt, you may plac't in your Creed,
Such a Rump could alone such a Fistula breed.

20.

Poor Ludlow was bogg'd in Ireland of late ,
And to purge himself came to the Rump of the State;
But gravely they told him he had acted amiss,
When he sought to betray the Rump with a kiss .

21.

Ned Harby was an herb John in the pot,
Yet could he not scape the disasterous lot:
Scarce Church'd of the Gout was the trusty old Squire,
But he hopt from the Frying-pan into the fire.

22.

Robin Andrews was laid on last as they tell us,
For a log to keep down the rest of his fellows;
Though he spent on the City, like one of the Roysters ,
Each morning his two pence in Sack and in Oysters.

23.

Next Praise-God , although of the Rump he was none,
Was for his Petition burnt to the Bare-bone
So Praise-God & Rump , like true Josephs together,
Did suffer; but Praise-God lost the more leather .

24.

There's Lawson another dag-lock of the tayle,
That the water to avoid, to the water did sayle;
And in Godly simplicity means (as they say)
To manage the Stern, though the Rump's out of play.

25.

But Overton most with wonder doth seize us,
By securing of Hull for no lesse than Christ Jesus ,
Hoping (as it by the story appears)
To be there his Lieutenant for one thousand years.

26.

Lord Mounson? Oh Venus! what do you here?
I little thought you were a Rumper I swear:
But an impotent Lord will thus far avail,
He will serve for a Cloak to cover the tail.

27.

To burnish his Star Mr. Salisburie's come,
With the Atmos of gold that fall from the Bum ;
Sure 'twas but a Meteor, for I must tell ye,
It smelt as 'twere turning to th' Aldermans jelly.

28.

Brother Pembroke comes last, and does not disdain
Tho' despis'd by the world, to bear up the train:
But after New-lights so long he did run,
That they brought him to Bethlehem before they had done.

29.

Thus the Foxes of Sampson that carried a brand
In their tails, to destroy and to burn up the land;
In the flames they had kindled themselves to expire,
And the Dee'l give them Brimstone unto their fire.