Classic Poem

Air — A German Bravura.

H ERMES , god of cheats and chatter,
Wave thy smooth caduceus here —
Now that, pulpit-propp'd, I flatter;
Hermes, god of cheats and chatter,
Smile, O smile on Mr. Smatter,
Aid a humble Auctioneer!
Wave thy smooth caduceus here,
O'er a humble Auctioneer!
With its virtues tip my hammer,
Model my Grammar,
Nor let me stammer.

First, here's Sackbut's Song of Slaughter;
Verse and prose, the Laureat Otter,
Flats along, diluting song
In milk and water.
Next (who'll buy?) here's Love in Little,
Smooth as glass and eke as brittle;
Here are posies, lilies, roses,
Cupid's slumbers — out in numbers,
Pouting, fretting, fly-not-yet-ing,
Rosa's lip, and Rosa's sigh —
For one pound six — who'll buy, who'll buy?
Here's Doctor Aikin, Sims on Baking,
Booth in Cato quoting Plato,
Jacob Tonson, Doctor Johnson,
Russia binding, touch and try —
Nothing bid — who'll buy, who'll buy?
Here's Mr. Hayley, Doctor Paley,
Arthur Murphy, Tommy Durfey,
Mrs. Trimmer's little Primer,
Buckram binding, touch and try —
Nothing bid — who'll buy, who'll buy?
Here's Colley Cibber, Bruce the fibber,
Plays of Cherry, ditto Merry,
Tickel, Mickle.
When I bow and when I wriggle,
With a simper and a giggle,
Ears regaling, bidders nailing,
Ladies utter in a flutter —
" Mister Smatter, how you chatter,
Dear, how clever! well, I never
Heard so eloquent a man! "

Tropes purloining, graces coining,
Glibly I, without repentance,
Clip each sentence.
But, to give each lot its station,
Ere from the pulpit I dismount,
God of Recapitulation,
Hermes, aid me while I count —
Aikin, Baking, Cato, Plato,
Cibber, fibber — Cherry, Merry,
Hayley, Paley — Secker, Decker,
Tickel, Mickle — Tonson, Johnson,
Literary Caliban.
Forty-seven! Oh, far too thrifty —
Thank'ee, Ma'am — two places — fifty!
Must it go? oh, surely no!
Only eye me, then deny me.
When I bow and when I wriggle,
With a simper and a giggle,
Ears regaling, bidders nailing,
Ladies utter in a flutter —
" Mister Smatter, how you chatter —
Dear, how clever! well I never
Heard so eloquent a man! "

Tongue of Mentor, lungs of Stentor,
Hermes, thou hast made mine own.
Cox and Robins own, with sobbings,
I'm the winner; Dyke and Skinner
Never caught so glib a tone.
Dull and misty, Squibb and Christie,
When I mount look pale and wan —
Going, going, going — gone!