Classic Poem

A LUSCIOUS juicy sirloin steak,
With fragrant onions crisply fried,
Perhaps a slice of layer cake,
Some cream and berries on the side.
How oft for these, how oft I've cried,
For roasted duck and well-stuffed goose!
Alas, these joys must be denied.
I'm always trying to reduce.

I exercise when I awake,
I tennis, golf and swim and ride.
In Turkish Baths I sweat and bake,
But still I'm corpulent and wide.
All thinning diets I have tried,
With calories played fast and loose.
I know it's naught but foolish pride.
I'm always trying to reduce.

O Vanity, what fools you make
Of men! What effort misapplied!
What pangs we suffer for thy sake!
What secret wretchedness we hide!
I live on fare I can't abide,
On lettuce, prunes and lemon juice.
I've starved until I've nearly died.
I'm always trying to reduce.

L'ENVOI

Come, Savarin, a roast provide!
Some quail on toast, and — what's the use?
Just bring some prunes and let that slide.
I'm always trying to reduce.