Classic Poem

Of a tall stature and of sable hue,
Much like the son of Kish, that lofty Jew,
Twelve years complete he suffered in exile
And kept his father's asses all the while.
At length, by wonderful impulse of fate,
The people call him home to help the state;
And, what is more, they send him money too,
And clothe him all from head to foot anew.
Nor did he such small favors then disdain,
But in his thirtieth year began to reign.
In a slashed doublet then he came to shore,
And dubbed poor Palmer's wife his royal whore.
Bishops and deans, peers, pimps, and knights he made,
Things highly fitting for a monarch's trade.
With women, wine, and viands of delight
His jolly vassals treat him day and night.
But the best times have ever some mishap;
His younger brother perished by a clap;
And his Dutch sister quickly after died,
Soft in her nature and of wanton pride.
Bold James survives, no dangers make him flinch,
He married Mynheer Falmouth's pregnant wench.
The pious Mother Queen, hearing her son
Was thus enamored with a buttered bun,
And that the fleet was gone in pomp and state
To fetch for Charles the floury Lisbon Kate,
She chants Te Deum, and so comes away
To wish her hopeful issue timely joy.
Her most uxorious mate she used of old,
Why not with easy youngsters make as bold?
From the French court she haughty topics brings,
Deludes their pliant nature with vain things;
Her mischief-breeding breast did so prevail
The new-got Flemish town was set to sale.
For those and Jermyn's sins she founds a church,
So slips away and leaves us in the lurch.
Now the court sins did ev'ry place defile,
And plague and war fell heavy on our isle.
Pride nourished folly, folly a delight
With the Batavian commonwealth to fight.
But the Dutch fleet fled suddenly with fear,
Death and the duke so terrible appear.
The dreadful victor took his soft repose,
Scorning the pursuit of such recreant foes.
But now York's genitals grew over hot
With Denham's and Carneig's infected pot,
Which, with religion, so inflamed his ire
He sells the City where 'twas set on fire.
So Philip's son, inflamed with a miss,
Burnt down the palace of Persepolis.
Foiled thus by Venus, he Bellona woos,
And with the Dutch a second war renews.
But here his French-bred prowess proved in vain,
De Ruyter claps him in Sole Bay again.
This isle was well reformed, and gained renown
Whilst the brave Tudors wore th' imperial crown:
But since the ill-got race of Stuarts came,
It has recoiled to popery and shame;
Misguided monarchs, rarely wise or just,
Tainted with pride or with impetuous lust.
Should we the Blackheath project here relate,
Or count the various blemishes of state,
Our muse would on the reader's patience grate.
The poor Priapus king, led by the nose,
Looks as one set up for to scare the crows;
Yet in the mimics of the spintrian sport
Outdoes Tiberius and his goatish court.
In love's delights none did him e'er excel,
Not Tereus with his sister Philomel.
As they at Athens, we at Dover meet,
And gentlier far the Orleans duchess treat.
What sad event attended on the same
We leave to the report of common fame.
The senate, which should headstrong princes stay,
Let loose the reins, and give the realm away:
With lavish hands they constant tributes give
And annual stipends for their guild receive:
Corrupt with gold, they wives and daughters bring
To the black idol for an offering.
All but religious cheats might justly swear
He true vicegerent to old Moloch were.
Priests were the first deluders of mankind,
Who with vain faith made all their reason blind;
Not Lucifer himself more proud than they,
And yet persuade the world they must obey;
'Gainst avarice and luxury complain,
And practice all the vices they arraign.
Riches and honor they from laymen reap,
And with dull crambo feed the silly sheep.
As Killigrew buffoons his master, they
Droll on their God, but a much duller way:
With hocus pocus and their heav'nly sleight
They dazzle both the prince and peasant's sight.
Whoever has an over-zealous wife
Becomes the priest's Amphitrio during life.
Who would such men Heav'n's messengers believe
Who from the sacred pulpit dare deceive?
Baal's wretched curates legerdemained it so,
And never durst their tricks aboveboard show.
When our first parents Paradise did grace,
The serpent was the prelate of that place;
Fond Eve did for this subtle tempter's sake
From the forbidden tree the pippin take.
His God and Lord this preacher did betray
To have the weaker vessel made his prey.
Hence death and sin did human nature blot,
The chiefest blessings Adam's chaplain got.
Thrice wretched they who nature's laws detest
To tread th' fantastic mazes of a priest;
Till native reason's basely forced to yield,
And hosts of upstart errors gain the field.
My Muse presumed a little to digress
And touch the holy function with her verse:
Now to the state she tends again direct
And does on giant Lauderdale reflect.
This haughty monster, with his ugly claws,
First tempered poison to destroy our laws;
Declares the council edicts are beyond
The most authentic statutes of the land:
Sets up in Scotland à la mode de France,
Taxes, excise, and armies does advance.
This Saracen his country's freedom broke
To bring upon our necks the heavier yoke.
This is the savage pimp, without dispute,
First brought his mother for a prostitute.
Of all the miscreants ever went to Hell
This villain rampant bears away the bell.
Now must my Muse deplore the nation's fate,
Like a true lover for a dying mate.
The royal evils so malignant grows,
Nothing the dire contagion can oppose.
In our weal-public scarce one thing succeeds,
For one man's weakness a whole nation bleeds,
Ill luck starts up and thrives like evil weeds.
Let Cromwell's ghost smile with contempt to see
Old England truckling under slavery.
His meager Highness now has got astride,
Does on Britannia as on Churchill ride;
White-livered Danby for his swift jackal
To hunt down 's prey, and hope to master all.
Clifford and Hyde before had lost the day;
One hanged himself, the other fled away:
'Twas want of wit and courage made them fail,
But Osborne and the duke must needs prevail.
The duke now vaunts with popish myrmidons:
Our fleets, our ports, our cities and, our towns
Are manned by him, or by his holiness.
Bold Irish ruffians to his court address:
This is the colony to plant his knaves,
From hence he picks and culls his murd'ring braves.
Here for an ensign's or lieutenant's place
They'll kill a judge or justice of the peace.
At his command Mac will do anything:
He'll burn a city or destroy a king.
From Tiber came th' advice boat monthly home
And brought new lessons to the duke from Rome.
Here with cursed practices and counsels dire,
The godly cheat king-would-be did inspire;
Tells him the holy church demands his aid,
Heav'n had him chieftain of Great Britain made;
Bid him be bold, all dangers to defy,
His brother, sneaking heretic, shall die.
A priest shall do it, from whose sacred stroke
All England straight shall fall beneath his yoke.
God did renounce him and his cause disown,
And in his stead had placed him on his throne.
From Saul the land of promise thus was rent,
And Jesse's son placed in the government.
The Holy Scripture vindicates his cause,
And monarchs are above all human laws.
Thus said the Scarlet Whore to her gallant,
Who straight designed his brother to supplant.
Fiends of ambition here his soul possessed,
And thirst of empire calentured his breast.
Hence ruin and destruction had ensued,
And all the people been in blood imbrued,
Had not Almighty Providence drawn near,
And stopped his malice in its full career.
Be wise, ye sons of men, tempt God no more
To give you kings in 's wrath to vex you sore:
If a king's brother can such mischief bring,
Then how much greater mischief as a king?