(otherwise titled chief champion toilet clogger)
argh yew ably offal for the umpteenth time
during spate to sit not so scrawny buttocks
on porcelain throne id est
videre licet toilet bowl...
and upon flushing the human waste
eyes bulged and bugged out me head
cause toxic water brew threatened
to overflow onto the floor,
and hence found yours truly (me)
immersing himself in the holistic experience
slowly inhaling and exhaling
to calm the frayed nerves
for the pure love of bucket flushing
since applying plunger to no avail
found me able, eager, ready and willing
to whoosh upon a star to enlist
the entrepreneurial daring doo doo
of eldest offspring who designed a corkerasp*
and found (me) zee papa frankly
zapped, pooped, fatigued, et cetera out,
thus daring poster boy afflicted
by recurrent frequent bouts of constipation
and no matter yours truly
shared more than once the essence
of this embarrassing communiqué,
I did post quite a few times in the past,
a reasonably rhyming poetic shout out
to air flatulent grievances
concerning outsize bowel movement
hoping (fat/slim shady chance)
Mike Rowe happened tubby about,
though shadow of a doubt,
he will avail himself
after anal eyes zing thee
early morning deux dumps
in quick succession for today
May 3rd, 2026 (omg – yours truly
went for a third time) when
during wee hours of morning,
whereby plying plunger in vain
as iterated above, cuz suction
barely helped obstruction give way,
I nearly lost me life and limb oy vey
oh my dog, the same asinine outcome
which spurred poet to get underway
matter of fact, a replay
of excretion almost
occurred earlier on a recent yesterday ago,
and thus an attempt to describe
a tragicomic scenario
regarding bowel movement
the size of subway tram,
an urgent em-bare ass sing message
to maintenance person,
yours truly dreads - boot
locked into unpleasant task
if unable to unclog toilet
(***THIS JUST IN***
plumbing obstruction remedied!)
thus, I need not hurriedly relay
the scenario to Richard 10.5.20/20
(unsure if his surname
spelled with one or more T's),
nevertheless overflowing potty nearly
found yours truly quay
king without horse-sense,
yet impossible mission
arises to portray
with unsightly turgid prose
and cons of dire situation,
the juvenile elements of harried style
swiftly tailored, I hate to overplay
odoriferous subject matter
nsync with constipation
since laxative delineates,
expedites, facilitates,... née
posits heavy load emanating out rectum
quite amazing quantity
smelly fecal matter exits out me tushy
necessitating able linkedin line
O Captain! My Captain!
I signal emergency mayday
posterior end, a quarter size orifice,
which malfunctioning sphincter muscles
one moost never be lackaday sic cull
though kids and adults
laughed back in the day,
if and/or when Danny Kaye
tactfully poked fun including that girl
at such critical bodily phenomenon
equally important as a jackstay
to keep afloat body electric
accursed with rectum ammunition
auxiliary accouterments interplay
analogously precise as Swiss made timepiece
said system responsible
to expel bodily toxins
upon which sitting on porcelain throne
one can softly utter hooray
thankful to experience relative pleasure
until one becomes feeble minded,
whereat sixty seven plus shades of gray
matter allows, enables, and
provides enjoyably foray
into the bathroom, which entranceway
hoop fully not barred nor off limits
cuz that primitive
urge one best not delay
lest one requires lower
gastrointestinal intervention
especially if blocked up
excretory matter which turns to clay
unless of course one doth
cause damage and betray
respect toward well
oiled human machine
exercising and eating healthy
avoiding lumbar ring exertion
so as not to exacerbate straining backside
skeleton musculature issues,
yes... I reckon during twilight years
control over bowels doth slip away.
*The Essence Of A Corkerasp -
which aforementioned progeny scored big-time
when one of the top notch judges
assigned herself past time project,
which nothing envisioned
before her overactive imagination
sketched never before object contrived,
when early grade school child prodigy offspring
drew exquisite 3D blueprints
who at approximate date,
I sketched out the following words
when said star student
then just a junior kid
at University of Pennsylvania,
paid her way thru the halls
of the ivy league prestigious
institution of higher learning
courtesy billions of dollars
(to donuts) profits
she got paid for ingenious idea
a model of which demonstrated
the functionality of said brilliant
(in my modest opinion),
who fast forward to the present
years after young billionaire
will turn the big three 0h
on December twenty second),
but SHE would never admit
out of modesty
to birth such a clever idée fixe
(French for "fixed idea")
an obsession or a persistent,
dominant thought that occupies the mind,
preventing rational focus
on other matters
such as the rigorous
bio-medical engineering program
constituting her major
with a minor in French.
The essential name arose
from kindergarten elicited,
jump/kickstarted and predicated,
precocious person, and the words....?
Whenever constipation a pain in the ass
just maneuver this lightweight
metal contrivance made of brass
no matter if anybody
considers this action crass
apply corkscrew motion
up the alimentary canal
to remove human waste,
which most likely
will be thick like petrified paste
stuck deep inside
bowels of sphincter muscles
and solidly encased
causing severe cramps
within lower gastrointestinal tract
inducing one to wince nonstop
from being fecal matter packed
and no amount of primal groaning
doth loose this hard fact,
nor does imagery of freed turd
ease formidable anal plight,
no laughing matter
despite how absurd
squeezing does nothing
even applying all inner might,
thus necessary to incorporate
un-natural intervention to un-clog
rectal blockage + uncomfortable bloating
swelling anus the size of a hog
disabling bare derriere
ease to stand let alone jog,
yet tis essential
per extricating what feels
like one swallowed a log,
which could presage demise
of sufferer, whereby epitaph
twill induce freed evacuation
impossible mission for me to translate
eulogy in other than English spoken language,
where tongues wag across gamut of countries
explaining (translating with accompanied diagram)
every ounce of effort required to bend
over gingerly affixing
plunger end of device
to business of rear end
best accompanied in tandem
with close companion or friend
this dirty deed done
dirt-cheap trick will ideally rend
rock solid excrement to roll and crash
(on par traversing highway
to hell) soundcloud,
I finally and subsequently poop
without fail regularly out the tushy end
hopefully not landing –
like a crash test dummy
upon bathroom floor
possibly inducing natural phenomenon
to trigger most powerful tsunami
seismic waves less or more,
whereby toilet bowl
water will nearly splash
over the sides akin
to white caps near sea shore
without doubt making
gluteus maximus extremely sore.