Classic Poem

Greetings and good morning, my brothers and sisters. I am the Reverend
Mr. Jesus Mohammed Elrod Schwartz. Welcome to our Church,
The Church of the Bald Procrastinator. Because we are a tax-exempt

organization, we make lots and lots of money without giving back a penny
to the IRS. Sometimes government regulations can be a wonderful thing.
Now some of you may be asking yourselves what it is we believe. Quite

simply, we believe in love—as it has been proclaimed in our holy gospels
which were handed down to us by aliens from the planet Zorkon while they
were being transported to a level just above human. Yea verily,

we are commanded to love one another. And we do. However,
there are some people who are not like us. These people we can’t stand.
But we do love them. We just don’t love them very much. It is our duty,

the good books tell us, to try to change them, and if we don’t succeed, to be
rid of them in one way or another. In fact, we envision a time when all people
are the same, when, no matter where you go, you may take comfort in the same

shopping malls, parking lots, and fast food eateries, when life is so simple,
people won’t even have to think. For as it is written in Deuterlobotomy Chapter 5
verse 22: “Ignorance, is indeed, truly, bliss.” And now, we would like to extend

the hand of friendship to you. We invite you to be among the chosen people,
to be saved from eternal damnation, and to praise God with your generous
offering. And please remember, all contributions are tax-deductible.


(Previously published in Outsider Ink, Fall 2003)