Classic Poem

He saved his soul an' saved his pork
With old time presarvation;
He didn't hold with creosote
Or new plans uv salvation:
He sed thet " works would show the man,
The smokehouse tell upon the ham. "

He didn't, when he sunk a well,
Inspect the stuns and gravel
Tew prove thet Moses wus a dunce
Unfit fur furrin travel:
He marvelled at them works uv God —
An' broke 'em up tew mend the road.

An' when the circus cum around,
He hitched his sleek old horses,
An' in his rattlin' waggon took
His dimpled household forces —
The boys tew wonder at the clown
An' think his lot life's highest crown.

He wondered at the zebras wild,
Nor knew 'em painted donkeys;
An' when he gev the boys a dime
Fur cakes tew feed the monkeys,
He never thought, in enny shape,
He hed descended frum an ape.

An' when he saw sum shaller-pate,
With smallest brain possession,
He uttered no filosofy
On Natur's retrogression
Tew ancient types, by Darwin's rule;
He simply sed, " Wal, durn a fool! "

He never hed an enemy
But once a year, tew meetin',
When he and Deacon Maybee fought
On questions uv free seatin',
Or which should be the one t' rebuke
Pastor fur kissin' sister Luke.

His farm wus well enough, but stones
Kind uv stern, ruthless facts is;
An' he jest made out tew save a mite
An' pay his righteous taxes,
An' mebbe tote sum flour an' pork
Tew poor old critters past their work.

But on the neatest thing he hed
Around the place or dwellin'
I guess he never paid a red
Uv taxes. No mushmelon
Wus rounder, pinker, sweeter than
The old man's daughter, Minta Ann.

I've been at Philadelfy's show
An' other sim'lar fusses,
An' seen a mighty sight uv stone
Minarveys and Venusses,
An' Sikeys clad in flowers an' wings,
But not much show uv factory things.

I've seen the hull entire crowd
Uv Jove's female relations,
An' I feel tew make a solemn swar
On them thar " Lamentations, "
Thet as a sort uv gen'ral plan
I'd ruther spark with Minta Ann.

You'd ought tew see her dimpled chin,
With one red freckle on it,
Her brown eyes glancing underneath
Her tilted shaker bonnet:
I vow, I often did desire
They'd set the plaguey thing a-fire.

You'd ought tew hear thet thar gal sing
On Sabbath, up tew meetin',
You'd kind uv feel high lifted up,
Yer soul fur Heaven fleetin'.
An' then, came supper, down she'd tie
Ye tew this earth with punkin pie!

I tell ye, stranger, 'twus a sight
Fur poetry and speeches
Tew see her sittin' on the stoop
A-peelin' scarlet peaches
Inter the kettle at her feet, —
I tell ye, 'twus a show complete.

Drip-droppin' thru the rustlin' vine
The sunbeams cum a-flittin',
An' sort uv danced upon the floor,
Chased by the tabby kitten;
Losh! tew see the critter's big surprise
When them beams slipped inter Minta's eyes!

An' down her brow her pretty har
Cum curlin', crinklin', creepin'
In leetle yaller mites uv rings,
Inter them bright eyes peepin',
Es run the tendrils uv the vine
Tew whar the merry sunbeams shine.

But losh! her smile wus drefful shy
An' kept her white lids under;
Jest as when darkens up the sky
An' growls away the thunder,
Them skeery speckled trout will hide
Beneath them white pond-lilies' pride.

An' then her heart, 'twas made clar thru
Uv Californy metal,
Chock full uv things es sugar sweet
Es a presarvin' kettle.
The beaux went crazed fur menny a mile
When I got the kettle on the bile.

The good old deacon's gone tew whar
Thar ain't no wild contentions
On Buildin' Funds' Committees an'
No taxes nor exemptions;
Yet still I sorter feel he preaches,
An' Minta Ann presarves my peaches.