Classic Poem

Æ NEAS was a cattle boy,
And his career was checkered;
Bull after bull, by roaring Troy,
He threw, and copped the record.

Troy down — and Helen tripping back,
Remarried by the rector,
To Greece — Æneas took his pack
And beat it west, by Hector!

He took a ship, and mal de mer
From Colonel Neptune's ocean
Crept up and shook his steamer chair
And filled him with emotion.

A storm came up — (and other things
Too intimate to write on:
When Triton spouts, both clowns and king
Will spout right back at Triton.)

And in the straiter seas his craw,
If anything, was iller —
He lost his spirit when he saw
Charybdis teasing Scyller.

And so he climbed the raging seas,
Green hummock after hummock,
And got to Carthage, ill at ease
And qualmish in the stomach.

Queen Dido met him at the wharf
And poured him out a potion;
Says she: " You takes this bumper orf
And you forgets the ocean! "

He drank. He calmed. And then says he:
" Old dear, I like that tunic! " —
He doted on good clothes, and she
Was portly, pink and Punic.

She blushed, and then said with a smile:
" Although I am Phaenician,
I always try to dress in style, "
Says he: " You're more than Grecian! "

Thus, like so many other gents,
Who're pleasant when they're grateful,
He fed her up with compliments,
Not knowing they are fateful.

For all he meant was gratitude,
To pay her for her potion,
But she construed his attitude
To indicate devotion.

He only tried to be polite,
Which charmed her ... more's the pity! ...
And she'd assure him he was quite,
Quite welcome to her city.

Well, well, ... his words went to her bean . . . .
She led him to a cavern
And mixed him drinks ... the poor, dear Queen!
Folks sneered: " She runs a tavern! "

He sailed one day ... the royal frail
Had even picked the parson! ...
It is a truly tragic tale;
She killed herself with arson.

Do not as serious construe,
Fair maids, each small attention,
Or there may come a fate to you
Too turrible to mention!