Classic Poem

I
Our brethren of England, who love us so dear,
And in all they do for us so kindly do mean,
A blessing upon them, have sent us this year,
For the good of our church a true English Dean.
A holier priest ne'er was wrapped up in crape,
The worst you can say, he committed a rape.
II

In his journey to Dublin, he lighted at Chester,
And there he grew fond of another man's wife,
Burst into her chamber, and would have caressed her,
But she valued her honour much more than her life.
She bustled and struggled, and made her escape,
To a room full of guests for fear of a rape.
III

The Dean he pursued to recover his game,
And now to attack her again he prepares,
But the company stood in defence of the dame,
They cudgelled and cuffed him, and kicked him downstairs.
His Deanship was now in a damnable scrape,
And this was no time for committing a rape.
IV

To Dublin he comes, to the bagnio he goes,
And orders the landlord to bring him a whore;
No scruple came on him his gown to expose,
'Twas what all his life he had practised before.
He had made himself drunk with the juice of the grape,
And got a good clap, but committed no rape.
V

The Dean, and his landlord, a jolly comrade,
Resolved for a fortnight to swim in delight;
For why, they had both been brought up to the trade
Of drinking all day, and of whoring all night.
His landlord was ready his Deanship to ape
In every debauch, but committing a rape.
VI

This Protestant zealot, this English divine
In church and in state was of principles sound;
Was truer than Steele to the Hanover line,
And grieved that a Tory should live above ground.
Shall a subject so loyal be hanged by the nape,
For no other crime but committing a rape?
VII

By old popish canons, as wise men have penned 'em,
Each priest had a concubine, jure ecclesiae;
Who'd be Dean of Ferns without a commendam?
And precedents we can produce, if it please ye:
Then, why should the Dean, when whores are so cheap,
Be put to the peril, and toil of a rape?
VIII

If fortune should please but to take such a crotchet,
(To thee I apply great Smedley's successor)
To give thee lawn-sleeves, a mitre and rochet,
Whom wouldst thou resemble? I leave thee a guesser;
But I only behold thee in Atherton's shape,
For sodomy hanged, as thou for a rape.
IX

Ah! dost thou not envy the brave Colonel Chartres,
Condemned for thy crime, at three score and ten?
To hang him all England would lend him their garters;
Yet he lives, and is ready to ravish again,
Then throttle thyself with an ell of strong tape,
For thou hast not a groat to atone for a rape.
X

The Dean he was vexed that his whores were so willing,
He longed for a girl that would struggle and squall;
He ravished her fairly, and saved a good shilling;
But, here was to pay the devil and all.
His trouble and sorrows now come in a heap,
And hanged he must be for committing a rape.
XI

If maidens are ravished, it is their own choice,
Why are they so wilful to struggle with men?
If they would but lie quiet, and stifle their voice,
No devil or Dean could ravish 'em then,
Nor would there be need of a strong hempen cape,
Tied round the Dean's neck, for committing a rape.
XII

Our church and our state dear England maintains,
For which all true Protestant hearts should be glad;
She sends us our bishops and judges and deans,
And better would give us, if better she had;
But, Lord how the rabble will stare and will gape,
When the good English Dean is hanged up for a rape.