Classic Poem

Scene III.

Trist . And so we are to have feasting before fighting? master Seneschal!
Seneschal . Aye — and good reasons there be, master Newcomer.
Trist . Aye — I hope the Raisins are good, master Seneschal, or they will make an ill part of the desert. But, for reasons less eatable, which be they?
Sen . They be three in number, master Newcomer.
Trist . Hem! — Three! — But three is a favourite number, I believe, among you Scandinavians.
Sen . True, master Newcomer — and for good reason. It is mystical and sacred. For example — there be three sons of Beor (Woden, Vile, and Ve) who knock'd the giant Ymer o the head, created the world out of his carcase, and set his brains a flying thro the air for clouds.
Trist . Hum! — A hum! I can smell it. (Aside.) — A pretty piece of flesh, at this rate, your Ymer must have been, master Seneschal. — And yet, upon second thoughts, he was but a moody, muddy, addle-headed sort of a giant, either or his brains could not have been converted to such a use.
Sen . Then there be three Fatal Sisters.
Trist . Aye — three Witches, as one might say, master Seneschal! the eldest of which, by the way, is no Witch, i' my way of thinking; for she only foretells what is past: carrying her eyes behind her, as it were. Strait forward she cannot see so far as her nose. And, as for the second, (by your account of her) she has no more foresight than a hare: and yet, she seems more indebted to her eyes than her understanding for her reputation in the world. Her glances go, bolt shot, in all directions, thro all impediments of space and matter: like a lance thro a battered buckler. She can see all the blemishes that a maid hides with her mantle, or a batchelor under his gabardine, as plain as a carbuncle on a nose of four inches; but as for how long the batchelor shall remain a batchelor, or the maid a maid, master Seneschal! —
Sen . Why for that, master Newcomer, she refers you to her younger sister. And this, by the way, brings me, pat, to three other Sisters, of a very different description, (not but they, also, have something to do with our destinies, master Newcomer!) I mean the three smirking damsels, that wait on The Propitious goddess, to whom the aforesaid maids and batchelors offer up their vows, when they wish to be maids and batchelors no longer.
And then there be three Giants of Frost; three Warhounds, that guard the Gates of Hela; and three Valkyries, that wait on the banquet of Woden, in Valhalla.
Sewer . Very true, master Seneschal: but what has all this to do with the reasons for our banquet?
Sen . Why much, master Sewer: — much.
Trist . Aye, very much, master Sewer: for a Banquet is a Banquet, whether in Valhalla or Gwrtheyrnion: Is it not? master Seneschal! There 's affinity, for you, imprimus. Then, in the second place — for we can find three affinities, or similitudes, in this case, also — Can we not? master Seneschal! — In the second place, a full stomach is better than an empty one, in Gwrtheyrnion as well as in Valhalla — Is it not, master Seneschal? There 's affinity for you, again, or the devil 's in it. And then, in the third place, (which brings us to our point;) there are three reasons for the banquet, in one place, as well as the other — videlicit — there be victuals to eat — there be people to eat them — and there is a place in which they may be eaten. Which, also, may in three diverse ways be stated — to wit, Imprimus, The passivity, or the victuals eatable — the locality, or the place of eating — and the agency, or the persons to eat. Secundo, The promptitude, or desire of eating — the aptitude, or convenience of a place to eat in — and the plentitude, or abundance of things eatable. Tertio, Yearning of the bowels, or the hungering after — temptation to the eye, or the presence of the things whereafter we hunger — and ministration copulative; or the tables and benches, in the great hall; whereby the parties are enabled to approximate, the come-at-ability of the desired is facilitated, and the desirers are fundamentally accommodated.
Sen . Right! right! master Newcomer! Truly, for all thou beest a Welchman, and I a Saxon, I desire thy further acquaintance; for thou seemest learned in these matters, and of an excellent wit.
Sen . Why now, by your leave, master Seneschal, all these be good reasons for banqueting at all times — but they be no reasons for banqueting before battle.
Sen . Short — short, master Sewer. If they be good reasons for banqueting at all times, then be they good reasons for banqueting before, as well as after.
Sew . Aye; but the specific, master Seneschal! the specific.
Trist . Why the specifics be three, also, master Sewer. Imprimus — there is fifth to be eaten; and they are best to be eaten fresh — Secando, fighting is hard work; and good eating and drinking minister to strength — Tertio, it is thought best to eat first, lest a part of the guests should get their bellies so full of fighting, as to have no appetite left for any thing else.
Sen . And, if these tripple reasons satisfy not the tender conscience, there is yet behind, a reason omnipotent, which is one and indivisible; namely, that The Fates would have it so.
Trist . The Fates! How so? master Seneschal.
Sen . Why, to tell you a secret — our mistress has been making a journey into hell.
Trist. (aside.) Aye, aye, to bespeak apartments I suppose. — Hum!
Sen . And, as she reports it, The Fatal Sisters ordered this banquet.
Trist . Did they so? Faith I shall have a better opinion of them, for the future, than I used to have.
Sew . Aye, and so shall I. Od zookers! I cared not if our Mistress went to hell every day, at this rate.
Sen . It is necessary, it seems, that the reconciliation between her and the King should be thus celebrated; and that, in token of their re-union, she should present him with a Cup of her own mixing; as she did at their first meeting; and then all is to go well.
Sew . Good! master Seneschal. And yet our priests will have it that it is not orthodox: because, in Valhalla, Woden and his Monoheroes always fight first, and banquet afterwards.
Trist . Aye, aye! — they want one half of us to get a quietus before the banquet, that there may be a double share of the baked and boiled for them. But as for those Monoheroes, I have a song about them and, if the harpers and trumpeters will bear me out with an accompaniment, I care not if I sing it to you.

O! your joys of Valhalla to me they are all mere Greek, Sirs,
Where you fight till you are kill'd —
There you're kill'd and kill'd again, every day of the Week, Sirs!
And after that, you get so drunk that you scarcely can speak, Sirs,
And these are the joys of Valhalla!

There ten-hundred-times ten-thousand, Sirs, as I am a sinner,
Hack, and hew, and thrust, for fun —
They hack, and hew, and thrust, for fun; and both the loser and the winner
Are cut up just like pork, ere they set them down to dinner.
These, these are the joys of Valhalla!

Then for knives they use their swords, and for forks they use their lances,
And their shields are turned to platters —
Their shields are turn'd to platters; and a thousand such like fancies,
And a Death's head, for a goblet, their drink very much enhances.
These, these are the joys of Valhalla!

Now your eating I have some, and your drinking much delight in;
And I've no great objection to your tilting and your fighting — —
For I've no great objection to your tilting and your fighting;
But as to getting drunk after being kill'd, — — —
Why, that I think, they're not right in.
Altho 'tis the joy of Valhalla!

Then their Modus B IBENDI , to me, it is mightily droll, Sirs,
And the scull of a foe, is a very strange sort of a wassail-bowl, Sirs —
For the scull of a foe is such a very strange sort of a bowl, Sirs,
That I am very sure I should spill — — out at either eye-hole, Sirs,
Ere it got to my mouth in Valhalla!

Then give me still a banquet of your mere mortal cooking —
Yes, give me still a dinner of such plain vulgar cooking;
And ere ale in a scull, I'll drink Adam's ale the brook in:
And, if there's any other heaven I can find a fly nook in,
I'll be damn'd if I'll go to Valhalla!