Classic Poem

I was roused for a while from uneasy sleep
By the chaise that jolted and lumbered;
But my lids were heavy, and, dreaming again,
I returned to the cave as I slumbered.

We walked about through the echoing halls
With interest unflagging.
The Kaiser was anxious to hear the news,
And learn how the world was wagging.

Not a rumour had reached him for many a year,
And he begged me to report all;
Since the Seven Years' War not a single word
Had he heard from a living mortal.

" What of Karschin and Moses Mendelssohn? "
He asked, nor would let me parry
The subject of Louis the Fifteenth's love,
The infamous Dubarry.

" O Kaiser, " I said, " you are far behind.
Long dead has been that Moses,
With Rebecca, his wife; even Abraham,
Their son, in the dust reposes.

" With Leah, Abraham begat
Felix, a child whose star is
Ascending fast; an orchestra now
He conducts, and famed afar is.

" Old Karschin has likewise long been dead,
And also Klencke, her daughter;
But Helmine Chezy is living still,
Or so at least I have thought her.

" As long as Louis the Fifteenth reigned
The Dubarry lived in clover,
And when she was guillotined at last
The best of her life was over.

" The fifteenth Louis died in his bed.
With the sixteenth, Fate dealt badly;
He perished with Marie Antoinette
By the guillotine most sadly.

" The queen displayed a courage high:
With royal pride demeaned her;
But Dubarry shrieked and wept aloud
On the day they guillotined her. "

The Kaiser suddenly came to a halt,
And stared and asked my meaning;
" But explain to me now, for heaven's sake,
What is this guillotining? "

" Guillotining is a method new —
Since you force me to instruct you —
That, no matter what your sex or rank,
Will from life to death conduct you.

" And when this method is employed,
They use a machine invented
By one Guillotin, whose skill in the name
Guillotine is complimented.

" They strap you tightly to a board,
Then they lower this and shove you
Between two posts — a triangular axe
Is hanging right above you —

" They pull a cord; the axe comes down
And gaily chops your head off;
Your head rolls merrily into a sack,
And your body is carted dead off. "

At this point the Kaiser cut me short,
" Enough of your instrument vile, sir!
Forbid it, heaven, that such a machine
My realm should ever defile, sir!

" The king and his consort strapped to a board!
That any should so forget, sir,
The rudiments of reverence
And courtly etiquette, sir!

" And who are you, that you venture to speak
Of such matters like an equal?
Have a care, my man, or I'll clip your wings;
You will bitterly rue the sequel.

" Your impudence, sirrah, exceeds all bounds.
I am furious, and with reason;
Your very breath's lese majeste
And impious high treason. "

When the fierce old man with insulting words
Gave rein thus to his passion,
I spoke my mind out plump and plain
In no half-hearted fashion.

" You are only a poor old fabled thing,
And that is the truth about you.
Lie down, Barbarossa, and go to sleep;
We shall free our land without you.

" The Republicans, cracking their silly jokes,
Would laugh us to scorn if a spectre
We chose as our leader in Liberty's cause —
A ghost with a crown and sceptre.

" For your standard, too, I have lost my love.
Fools, mad for everything olden,
In my burschenschaft days disgusted me quite
With your colours, the black-red-golden.

" Yes, slumber away in your mountain hid:
Both for us and yourself it were wiser;
For, now I consider the facts of the case,
We are better without a Kaiser. "