Classic Poem

An actor — GIBBS, of Drury Lane —
Of very decent station,
Once happened in a part to gain
Excessive approbation:
It sometimes turns a fellow's brain
And makes him singularly vain
When he believes that he receives
Tremendous approbation.

His great success half drove him mad,
But no one seemed to mind him;
Well, in another piece he had
Another part assigned him.
This part was smaller, by a bit,
Than that in which he made a hit.
So much ill-used, he straight refused
To play the part assigned him.

*****

THAT NIGHT THAT ACTOR SLEPT, AND I'LL ATTEMPT
TO TELL YOU OF THE VIVID DREAM HE DREAMT.

THE DREAM.

In fighting with a robber band
(A thing he loved sincerely)
A sword struck GIBBS upon the hand,
And wounded it severely.
At first he didn't heed it much,
He thought it was a simple touch,
But soon he found the weapon's bound
Had wounded him severely.

To Surgeon COBB he made a trip,
Who'd just effected featly
An amputation at the hip
Particularly neatly.
A rising man was Surgeon COBB
But this extremely ticklish job
He had achieved (as he believed)
Particularly neatly.

The actor rang the surgeon's bell.
" Observe my wounded finger,
Be good enough to strap it well,
And prithee do not linger.
That I, dear sir, may fill again
The Theatre Royal Drury Lane:
This very night I have to fight —
So prithee do not linger. "

" I don't strap fingers up for doles, "
Replied the haughty surgeon;
" To use your cant, I don't play ROLES
Utility that verge on.
First amputation — nothing less —
That is my line of business:
We surgeon nobs despise all jobs
Utility that verge on.

" When in your hip there lurks disease "
(So dreamt this lively dreamer),
" Or devastating CARIES
In HUMERUS or FEMUR,
If you can pay a handsome fee,
Oh, then you may remember me —
With joy elate I'll amputate
Your HUMERUS or FEMUR. "

The disconcerted actor ceased
The haughty leech to pester,
But when the wound in size increased,
And then began to fester,
He sought a learned Counsel's lair,
And told that Counsel, then and there,
How COBB'S neglect of his defect
Had made his finger fester.

" Oh, bring my action, if you please,
The case I pray you urge on,
And win me thumping damages
From COBB, that haughty surgeon.
He culpably neglected me
Although I proffered him his fee,
So pray come down, in wig and gown,
On COBB, that haughty surgeon! "

That Counsel learned in the laws,
With passion almost trembled.
He just had gained a mighty cause
Before the Peers assembled!
Said he, " How dare you have the face
To come with Common Jury case
To one who wings rhetoric flings
Before the Peers assembled? "

Dispirited became our friend —
Depressed his moral pecker —
" But stay! a thought! — I'll gain my end,
And save my poor exchequer.
I won't be placed upon the shelf,
I'll take it into Court myself,
And legal lore display before
The Court of the Exchequer. "

He found a Baron — one of those
Who with our laws supply us —
In wig and silken gown and hose,
As if at NISI PRIUS.
But he'd just given, off the reel,
A famous judgment on Appeal:
It scarce became his heightened fame
To sit at NISI PRIUS.

Our friend began, with easy wit,
That half concealed his terror:
" Pooh! " said the Judge, " I only sit
In BANCO or in Error.
Can you suppose, my man, that I'd
O'er NISI PRIUS Courts preside,
Or condescend my time to spend
On anything but Error? "

" Too bad, " said GIBBS, " my case to shirk!
You must be bad innately,
To save your skill for mighty work
Because it's valued greatly! "
But here he woke, with sudden start.

*****

He wrote to say he'd play the part.
I've but to tell he played it well —
The author's words — his native wit
Combined, achieved a perfect " hit " —
The papers praised him greatly.