Classic Poem

If a single man is studious and quiet, people say
He is grouchy, he is old before his time;
If he's frivolous and flippant, if he treads the primrose way,
Then they mark him for a wild career of crime.

If a man asserts that So-and-So is beautiful or sweet,
He is daffy on the proposition, Girl;
If he's weary in the evening and he keeps his subway seat,
He's immediately branded as a churl.

If he buys a friend a rickey not for any special cause,
He is captain of the lush-and-spendthrift squad;
If, before he spends a million, he will think a bit and pause,
There's a popular impression he's a wad.

If a man attends to business and looks to every chance,
He is mercenary, money-mad, and coarse;
If he thinks of art and letters more than personal finance,
He is lacking in ambition and in force.

If a man but bats his consort oh-so-gently on the head,
If he throttles her a little round the neck,
He's a brute; if he's considerately conjugal instead,
Everybody calls him Mr. Henry Peck.

Lowers Scylla—frowns Charybdis—and the bark is like to sink—
This the symbolistic moral of my rhyme—
If Opinion trims your sails and if you care what people think
You will have a most unhappy sort of time.