Classic Poem

Book the first.

Thou God of jest, who o'er th' ambrosial bowl,
Giv'st joy to Jove, while laughter shakes the pole;
And thou, fair Justice, of immortal line,
Hear, and assist the poet's grand design,
Who aims at triumph by no common ways,
But on the stem of dulness grafts the bays

O thou, whatever name delight thine ear,
Pimp! Poet! Puffer! 'Pothecary! Play'r!

Whose baseless fame by vanity is buoy'd,
Like the huge earth self-center'd in the void,
Accept one part'ner thy own worth t'explore,
And in thy praise be singular no more.

Say, Muse, what Daemon, foe to ease and truth,
First from the mortar dragg'd th' adventrous youth,
And made him, 'mongst the scribbling sons of men,
Change peace for war, the pestle for the pen?
Twas on a day (O may that day appear
No more, but lose it's station in the year,
In the new style be not it's name enroll'd,
But share annihilation with the old!)
A tawny Sybil, whose alluring song,
Decoy'd the 'prentices and maiden throng,
First from the counter young H ILLARIO charm'd,
And first his unambitious soul alarm'd —
An old strip'd curtain cross her arms was flung,
And tatter'd tap'stry o'er her shoulders hung;
Her loins with patch-work cincture were begirt,
That more than spoke diversity of dirt;
With age her back was double and awry,
Twain were her teeth, and single was her eye,
Cold palsy shook her head — she seem'd at most
A living corps, or an untimely ghost,
With voice far-fetch'd from hollow throat profound,
And more than mortal was th' infernal sound

" Sweet boy, who seem 'st for glorious deeds design'd,
O come and leave that clyster-pipe behind;
Cross this prophetic hand with silver coin,
And all the wealth and fame, I have, is thine —
She said — he (for what stripling cou'd withstand?)
Straight with his ONLY six-pence grac'd her hand.

And now the prescious fury all her breast
At once invaded, and at once possess'd;
Her eye was fixt in an extatic stare,
And on her head uprose th' astonish'd hair:
No more her colour, or her looks the same,
But moonstruck madness quite convuls'd her frame,
While, big with fate, again she silence broke,
And in few words voluminously spoke.

" In these three lines athwart thy palm I see,
Either a tripod, or a triple-tree,
For Oh! I ken by mysteries profound,
Too light to sink thou never can'st be drown'd —
Whate'er thy end, the fates are now at strife,
Yet strange variety shall check thy life —
Thou grand dictator of each publick show,
Wit, moralist, quack, harlequin, and beau,
Survey man's vice, self-prais'd, and self-prefer'd,
And be th' Inspector of th' infected herd;
By any means aspire at any ends,
Baseness exalts, and cowardice defends,
The checquer'd world's before thee — go — farewell,
Beware of Irishmen — and learn to spell,
Here from her breast th' inspiring fury flew,
She ceas'd — and instant from his sight withdrew
Fir'd with his fate, and conscious of his worth,
The beardless wight prepar'd to sally forth.
But first ('twas just, 'twas natural to grieve)
He sigh'd and took a soft pathetic leave.
" Farewel, a long farewel to all my drugs,
My labell'd vials, and my letter'd jugs;

And you, ye bearers of no trivial charge
Where all my Latin stands inscrib'd at large;
Ye jars, ye gallipots, and draw'rs adieu,
Be to my memory lost, as lost to view,
And ye, whom I so oft have joy'd to wipe,
Th' ear-sifting syringe, and back-piercing pipe,
Farewel — my day of glory's on the dawn,
And now, — Hillario's occupation's gone "

Quick with the word his way the hero made,
Conducted by a glorious cavalcade;
Pert Petulance, the first attracts his eye,
And drowsy Dulness slowly saunters by,
With Malice old, and Scandal ever new,
And neutral Nonsense, neither false nor true
Infernal Falsehood next approach'd the band
With * * * and the koran in her hand.
Her motley vesture with the leopard vies,
Stain'd with a foul variety of lies
Next spiteful Enmity, gangren'd at heart,
Presents a dagger and conceals a dart.
On th' earth crawls Flatt'ry with her bosom bare,
And Vanity sails over him in air.

Such was the groupe — they bow'd and they ador'd,
And hail'd Hillario for their sovereign lord.
Flush'd with success, and proud of his allies,
Th' exulting hero, thus triumphant cries.
" Friends, brethren, ever present, ever dear,
Home to my heart, nor quit your title there,
While you approve, assist, instruct, inspire,
Heat my young blood, and set my soul on fire;
No foreign aid my daring pen shall chuse,
But boldly versify without a Muse.
I'll teach Minerva, I'll inspire the Nine,
Great Phaebus shall in consultation join,
And round my nobler brow his forfeit laurel twine. "
He said — and Clamour of Commotion born,
Rear'd to the skies her ear-afflicting horn,
While J ARGON grav'd his titles on a block,
And styl'd him M. D. Acad Burdig. Soc.

But now the harbingers of fate and fame
Signs, omens, prodigies, and portents came.
Lo! (though mid-day) the grave Athenian fowl,
Eyed the bright sun, and hail'd him with an howl,
Moths, mites, and maggots, fleas, (a numerous crew!)
And gnats and grubworms crouded on his view,
Insects! without the microscopic aid,
Gigantic by the eye of Dulness made!
And stranger still — and never heard before!
A wooden lion roar'd, or seem'd to roar.
But (what the most his youthful bosom warm'd,
Heighten'd each hope and every fear disarm'd)
On an high dome a damsel took her stand,
With a well-freighted jordan in her hand,
Where curious mixtures strove on every side,
And solids sound with laxer fluids vied —
Lo! on his crown the lotion choice and large,
She soused — and gave at once a full discharge.
Not Archimedes, when with conscious pride,

I' VE FOUND IT OUT ! I' VE FOUND IT OUT ! he cry'd,
Not costive bardlings, when a rhime comes pat,
Not grave Grimalkin when she smells a rat:
Not the shrewd statesman, when he scents a plot,
Not coy Prudelia, when she knows what's what,
Not our own hero, when (O matchless luck!)
His keen discernment found another Duck,
With such ecstatic transports did abound,
As what he smelt and saw, and felt and found.
" Ye Gods I thank ye to profusion free,
Thus to adorn and thus distinguish me,
And thou, fair Cloacina, whom I serve,
(If a desire to please, is to deserve)
To you I'll consecrate my future lays,
And on the smoothest paper print my soft essays. "
No more he spake; but slightly slid along,
Escorted by the miscellaneous throng.

And now, thou Goddess, whose fire-darting eyes,
Defy all distance and transpierce the skies,
To men the councils of the Gods relate,
And faithfully describe the grand debate.

The cloud-compelling thund'rer, at whose call
The Gods assembled in th' etherial hall,
From his bright throne the deities addrest;
" What impious noise disturbs our awful rest,
With din prophane assaults immortal ears,
And jars harsh discord to the tuneful spheres?
Nature, my hand-maid, yet without a stain,
Has never once productive prov'd in vain,
Till now — luxuriant and regardless quite
Of her divine, eternal rule of right,
Or mere privation sh'as bestow'd a frame,
And dignify'd a nothing with a name,
A wretch devoid of use, of sense and grace,
Th' insolvent tenant of incumber'd space. "

" Good is his cause, and just is his pretence, "
(Replies the God of theft and eloquence.)
" A hand mercurial, ready to convey,
E'en in the presence of the garish day,
The work an English classic late has writ,
And by adoption be the sire of wit —
Sure to be this is to be something — sure,
Next to perform, 'tis glorious to procure
Small was th' exertion of my God-like soul
When privately Apollo's herd I stole,
Compar'd to him, who braves th' all-seeing sun,
And boldly bids th' astonish'd world look on. "

Her approbation Venus next exprest
And on Hillario's part the throne addrest,
If there be any praise the nails to pare,
And in soft ringlets wreath th' elastic hair,
In talk and tea to trifle time away;
The mien so easy and the dress so gay!
Can my Hillario's worth remain unknown,
With whom coy Sylvia trusts herself alone
With whom, so pure, so innocent his life,
The jealous husband leaves his buxom wife.
What tho' he ne'er assume the post of Mars,
By me disbanded from all amorous wars;
His fancy (if not person) he employs,
And oft ideal countesses enjoys —
Tho' hard his heart, yet beauty shall controul,
And sweeten all the rancour of his soul,
While his black self, Florinda ever near,
Shews like a Diamond in an Ethiop's ear. "

When Pallas — thus — " Cease — ye immortals — cease
Nor rob serene stupidity of peace —
Should Jove himself in calculation mad
Still negatives to blank negations add,
How could the barren cyphers ever breed,
But nothing still from nothing would proceed?
Raise or depress — or magnify — or blame,
Inanity will ever be the same. "

" Not so " (says Phaebus) " my celestial friend,
E'en blank privation has its use and end —
How sweetly shadows recommend the light,
And darkness renders my own beams more bright!
How rise from filth the violet and rose!
From emptiness, how softest musick flows!
How absence to possession adds a grace,
And modest vacancy to all gives place?
Contrasted when fair nature's works we spy,
More they allure the mind and more they charm the eye.
So from Hillario some effect may spring,
E'en him — that slight Penumbra of a thing. "
Morpheus at length in the debate awoke,
And drowsily a few dull words he spoke —
Declar'd Hillario was the friend of ease,
And had a soporific pow'r to please —
Once more Hillario he pronounc'd with pain,
But at the very sound was lull'd to sleep again.

Momus the last of all, in merry mood,
As moderator in the assembly stood
" Ye laughter-loving pow'rs, ye Gods of mirth,
What not regard my deputy on earth?
Whose chymic skill turns brass to gold with ease,
And out of Cibber forges Socrates?
Whose genius makes consistencies to fight,
And forms an union betwixt wrong and right?
Who (five whole days in senseless malice past)
Repents, and is religious at the last?
A paltry play'r, that in no parts succeeds,
A hackney writer, whom no mortal reads.
The trumpet of a base deserted cause,
Damn'd to the scandal of his own applause;
While thus he stands a general wit confest,
With all these titles, all these talents blest,
Be he by Jove's authority assign'd,
The UNIVERSAL BUTT of all mankind. "

So spake and ceas'd the joy-exciting God,
And Jove immediate gave th' assenting nod,
When Fame her adamantine trump uprear'd,
And thus th' irrevocable doom declar'd.

" While in the vale perennial fountains flow,
And fragrant Zephyrs musically blow;
While the majestic sea from pole to pole,
In horrible magnificence shall roll,
While yonder glorious canopy on high,
Shall overhang the curtains of the sky,
While the gay seasons their due course shall run,
Ruled by the brilliant stars and golden sun,
While wit and fool antagonists shall be,
And sense and taste and nature shall agree,
While love shall live, and rapture shall rejoice,
Fed by the notes of Handel, Arne and Boyce,
While with joint force o'er humour's droll domain,
Cervantes, Fielding, Lucian, Swift shall reign,
While thinking figures from the canvass start,
And Hogarth is the Garrick of his art.
So long in flat stupidity's extreme,
Shall H — ll th' ARCH-DUNCE remain o'er every dunce supreme "