Classic Poem

When I wor young and soft as greease, I went to Lincoln Fair,
And what I fun' while I wor there, gev' me a nistish scare;
More fellers than I'd iver seed, as cloas as sheep in pens,
Huddled together wi' their gels, enjoyin' of theirsens.

Tents, and booths, and stalls in rows, like magic in a dreeam,
Bands, and gongs, and silver bells, and organs driv' by steeam;
Roundabouts what maad a noise, a dozen altogether,
Blorin' awaay, rate in yer ear, to deafen yer for iver.

Great wild beeast shows, and picture tents: what they call " bi-o-scope " ,
And circuses where elephants was said to walk the rope;
I went inside a boxin' booth to see a kangaroo
Wi' gloves on boath her hands and feet, and fighting wi' 'em, too!
Then the fat woman! ooh, my word! she wor a boster; Why! —
She wor as big as our fat pig — the one as brok' her sty!
But, best of all, the drinkin' bars, as full as full could be
Wi' thirsty men a-drinkin' beer, happy as they could be.

Happy as they could be, my boys! — pass us a mug of aale,
Let them as will deny theirsens, for I can drink a pail;
And if I iver owns a farm I'll drink it out er tubs:
Confound all them teetotal hounds, what wants to cloaz the pubs!

They chucked me out when I wor full; I fell upon my nod,
And when I scrambled up agen I came across Young Dodd.
He telled me of a hoss whose head was wheer its tail should be,
And how its tail in turn was wheer its head you'd think to see.

This sounded sich a curious thing, I planked my money down,
And galloped up a flight of stairs to see mysen done brown.
For, fastened to a manger there, an old nag-hoss, I found,
Tied wi' his tail up to the crib, standin' the wrong waay round!

As soon as I got back my breath and started to let fly,
The man what awned the show slived up and winked a quiet eye.
" They'll all know what a fool you've bin if you mek sich a bawl,
" Shut up, you chump, " says he, " and send yer maates inside, and all. "
This seemed to me soa good a plan I went outside at once
To tell all them what stood around they mustn't miss the chance;
I laughed till I wor fit to bost, as they come sneakin' out,
When Tinker Barlow run across and handed me a clout!

We settled down to fightin' then, a dozen in a heap,
Wi' policemen titherin' around like dogs among the sheep.
They pulled us out, an' took us off, awaay to Lincoln Gaol,
To cool our heads inside a cell, wi'out a drop of aale.

I got hoam when they let me goa, wi'out my coat and hat,
Wi' all my money gone, a course; glad to git off wi' that!
They cooked my goose, they did me brown, they skinned me like a hare,
And sin' that daay I've niver been anigh on Lincoln Fair.