Classic Poem

Most worthy of praise were the virtuous ways
— Of Little Red Riding Hood's ma,
And no one was ever more cautious and clever
— Than Little Red Riding Hood's pa.
They never misled, for they meant what they said,
— And frequently said what they meant:
They were careful to show her the way she should go,
— And the way that they showed her she went.
— — For obedience she was effusively thanked,
— — And for anything else she was carefully spanked.

It thus isn't strange that Red Riding Hood's range
— Of virtues so steadily grew,
That soon she won prizes of various sizes,
— And golden encomiums too.
As a general rule she was head of her school,
— And at six was so notably smart
That they gave her a check for reciting The Wreck
— Of the Hesperus wholly by heart.
— — And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,
— — When I add that the money she gave to the poor.

At eleven this lass had a Sunday-school class,
— At twelve wrote a volume of verse,
At fourteen was yearning for glory, and learning
— To be a professional nurse.
To a glorious height the young paragon might
— Have climbed, if not nipped in the bud,
But the following year struck her smiling career
— With a dull and a sickening thud!
— — (I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,
— — And must copy my manuscript over again!)

Not dreaming of harm, one day on her arm
— A basket she hung. It was filled
With drinks made of spices, and jellies, and ices,
— And chicken-wings, carefully grilled,
And a savory stew, and a novel or two
— She persuaded a neighbor to loan,
And a Japanese fan, and a hot-water can,
— And a bottle of eau de cologne,
— — And the rest of the things that your family fill
— — Your room with whenever you chance to be ill.

She expected to find her decrepit but kind
— Old grandmother waiting her call,
Exceedingly ill. Oh, that face on the pillow
— Did not look familiar at all!
With a whitening cheek she started to speak,
— BuTher peril she instantly saw:
Her grandma had fled and she'd tackled instead
— Four merciless paws and a maw!
— — When the neighbors came running the wolf to subdue,
— — He was licking his chops — and Red Riding Hood's, too!

At this terrible tale some readers will pale,
— And others with horror grow dumb,
And yet it was better, I fear, he should geTher: —
— Just think what she might have become!
For an infant so keen might in future have been
— A woman of awful renown,
Who carried on fights for her feminine rights,
— As the Mayor of an Arkansas town,
Or she might have continued the sins of her 'teens
And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!

— The MORAL : There's nothing much glummer
— — Than children whose talents appal.
— One much prefers those that are dumber.
— — And as for the paragons small —
— If a swallow cannot make a summer,
— — It can bring on a summary fall!