Classic Poem

XXI.

He reached the hill; its winding foot-path found,
And buckled to the task; but now alack!
With recent rain so greasy was the ground,
That as he laboured up the slippery track,
At every step he stepped he slid one back.
A well-fed maggot thus, when friend and friend
Their jokes, their bottles, and their filberts crack,
In some deep fruit-plate heaves, from snout to end,
And works, and slips, and writhes, and waggles to ascend.

XXII.

Though mortal enterprises arduous be,
What will not time and perseverance do?
And while Eudoxus lost one step in three,
Still losing one in three advanced him two.
An open casement now was full in view,
Where Agnes stood, his ardent wish to crown;
She bowed as near the drooping lover drew;
" She'll let me in! " he groaned, " and should she frown,
Love's bliss is lost; but oh! what rapture to sit down! "

XXIII.

Guard, virgins! guard your snug sequestered bowers,
When wily Strephons come to twirl the pin!
For rumour swiftly round the village scours,
When silly maids have let a lover in:
Then gossips groan, and ribalds grossly grin.
Or if a swain his entrance must achieve,
Choose some Eudoxus with a double chin,
With whom suspicion's self could ne'er conceive
Your ruin's brink was touched before he took his leave.

XXIV.

Fair Agnes feared not that censorious talk
Could ever by Eudoxus be inspired;
He looked a lamb before he took a walk,
And dead as mutton, weary and bemired.
Yet in her jacket a la Suisse attired,
So plump and tempting was the blue-eyed maid,
A hermit's frigid breast she might have fired!
Beneath a plain straw hat her ringlets played,
And a short petticoat her well-turned leg betrayed.

XXV.

Eudoxus, squatting in a cushioned chair,
Gave her that interesting glance which owns
A double feeling, and would fain declare
The heart is full of love, the shoes of stones.
His tender sighs inflating into groans,
Were debts, as in a partnership concern,
Due jointly both to bosom and to bones;
And seemed to say, " Sweet lady! let me learn
Whether in vain I ache and pant and grunt and burn! "

XXVI.

In vain they questioned; for the fair pursued
Her prattle, which on literature flowed;
Now changed her author, now her attitude,
And much more symmetry than learning showed.
Eudoxus watched her features while they glowed;
Till passion burst his puffy bosom's bound;
And rescuing his cushion from its load,
Flounced on his knees, appearing like a round
Large fillet of hot veal just tumbled on the ground.

XXVII.

Could such a lover be with scorn repulsed?
Oh no! disdain befitted not the case;
And Agnes at the sight was so convulsed,
That tears of laughter trickled down her face.
Eudoxus felt his folly and disgrace;
Looked sheepish, nettled, wished himself away;
And thrice he tried to quit his kneeling-place,
But fate and corpulency seemed to say,
Here's a petitioner that must for ever pray!

XXVIII.

" Mon dieu! " said Agnes, " what absurd distress!
How long must you maintain this posture here? "
" Ah! that, " he sighed, " depends on the success
Of your endeavours more than mine I fear.
Get up I cannot by myself, 'tis clear;
But though my poor pretensions you despise,
Full many a man is living, lady dear!
Whose talent as a lover rather lies
In readiness to kneel than readiness to rise. "

XXIX.

Again he strained, again he stuck live wax,
While Agnes tugged at him in various ways;
But he was heavier than the income-tax,
And twenty times more difficult to raise.
She feared that scandal would the story blaze;
Yet hopeless rang the bell; the servant came,
And eyed the prostrate lover with amaze;
Then heaved upon his legs the man whose name
Is lifted up so high by never-dying fame.

XXX.

Eudoxus, fretted with the morn's romance,
Opined, while he was waddling to the plain,
Himself no wiser than that King of France
Who marched up hill and then marched down again
He found that he had striven against the grain;
That suffering love within his breast to lurk
Brought " labour, " which by no means " physicked pain; "
That beauties who on eminences perk,
Make courtship, for the fat, a very uphill work.