Member Poem

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about ending my life , I fantasize on the how and the when I would do it , I had it all planned out .

I think about the few people that love me , the people that would miss me , the people that pretend to know me , the people that think they know me , all of it .

I think about the color of my casket , where they would lay my head , how I would be dressed whether or not I would have shoes on , all of it .

I think about how long it would take for people to forget me , how long they would mourn me , how long it would take to move on , the things they would do without me , all of it .

I think about how the pain that I’m feeling will be gone , how when I breathe my chest goes cold , how I feel empty and without purpose , how I feel useless and undesirable, how I feel like I don’t belong , all of it .

I think about how it would be passed on to the people that still live , how it would be selfish of me to leave it all to them , but then again what about me ? Who cares about me ? What about my suffering?
I think about how it is not in my heart to do that to them , how I no longer live for myself anymore . So I live , I live for them and I push and shove everything deep down inside and swallow , all of it .