Classic Poem

Counsel FOR THE P LAINTIFF

Y OUR name 's Majocchi? — " Signor, si"
You swear on what 's before ye
To tell the truth impartially?
" O yes, Sair — Si, Signore."

You swear, the Queen — " Oh Signor, si" —
Would shock both Whig and Tory.
Would shock Lord A, and shock Lord B?
" O yes, Sair — Si, Signore."

You swear she is — " Oh Signor, si" —
Deserving the pillory,
She loves so very illegally?
" I do, Sair — Si, Signore."

You swear, 'fore George — " Oh Signor, si" —
You knew her dormitory,
And caught her playing up old G — ?
" I did, Sair — Si, Signore."

You swear, of course — " Oh Signor, si" —
She bath'd on open shore, eh,
Stood on her head, eat fire, smoked me? —
" Just so, Sair — Si, Signore."

You swear, you swear — " Oh Signor, si" —
That through a double floor, eh,
You've seen her think adulterously?
" Ver' true, Sir — Si, Signore."

I think, my Lords — " Oh Signor, si" —
That nothing 's wanting more, eh,
To show the Queen 's as bad as we,
Aye, beats his sacred Majesty? —
" The thomper — Si, Signore."

Counsel FOR THE D EFENDANT

Now look at me — " Oh Signor, si" —
Pray who gives you your board O,
And when did you last take your tea?
" Oh, Sair — Non mi ricordo"

You say the Queen — " Oh Signor, si" —
Slept so and so on board O,
Where might the other bed-rooms be?
" Oh, Sair — Non mi ricordo."

You knew the maids — " Oh Signor, si" —
Now when the ship was moored O,
Where did they sleep? Or Captain P.?
Or Briggs? " Non mi ricordo."

What, still Non mi ? " Oh Signor, si" —
Well: how did you afford O,
When out of place, to live so free?
" Questo non mi ricordo."

You lived on air? " Oh Signor, si —
No, no! — Upon my vord O,
You put soach confuse into me,
That" — What? — " Non mi ricordo."

You said the Queen — " Oh Signor, si" —
Was good — quite made to charm ye —
" Yes, — No; No, — Yes; more I than me —
Non posso ricordarmi."

Now look at me — " Oh Signor, si'" —
Was ever brute abhorred O,
Or did you ever live and be? —
" I — I — Non mi ricordo."
My Lords, I think — " Oh Signor, oh!" —
That there is not a Lord here
Wants more of all this Yes and No,
Which does, it must be owned, outgo
All practice of the Courts below ,
And Devil's own Recorder.

N ON MI R ICORDO

Most people have a favourite phrase,
Which they think comprehensive,
To swear by or to save their wits,
Not liking what's expensive.

Some say By George and some By Gosh,
Some put their trust in Goles,
And many of superior rank
Delight to damn their souls

These are for Blood, and those for Faith,
These Keep it up, those Go it;
Th' Italians, when they Si and No ,
Much Oh it, and Non so it.

But lord! of all the precious words,
That ever memory stored O,
Commend me to that pregnant phrase
Divine, Non mi ricordo .

Sometimes it means " I do forget,"
Sometimes it means " I don't,"
And very often it will stand
For " rather not" or " won't."

Sometimes (which is remarkable)
It signifies a waistcoat,
Including also pantaloons,
One's pair of shoes and best coat.

Sometimes it means a dinner, and
Sometimes it means a breakfast,
Implying that the eater should
Be hung up by the neck fast.

Sometimes it means a woman's bad
And never sleeps alone-a,
Yet when again examined, it
Shall call her Donna buona .

Sometimes it means a man is blind
And runs against th' Exchequer,
And then again it signifies
To see through a two-decker.

Sometimes it stands for one that lies,
Sometimes for day and night,
Sometimes for having cash from Brown
To swear that black is white.

Sometimes it is ingratitude,
Sometimes expresses fear,
And then it goes for something hot
And for a pot of beer.

Sometimes with very little help
It means both No and Yes,
Or something rather less than more
Or rather more than less.

Sometimes it stands for such a time
Betwixing and betweening,
That being well interpreted
It means it has no meaning.

It means a thief, it means some beef,
It means a shabby villain;
It means " mine host o' the Garter" here,
Who longs to bring his Bill in.

In short, it means that Mr. Brougham
Has laid Non mi ricordo
As flat upon the Parliament boards,
As ever raf was floored O.