I envy not the rich who tread
Their marble stairs in Piccadilly;
Cocottages at Maidenhead
Leave me completely chilly;
I do not need, and never shall,
A Palace on the Grand Canal.
No Stately Home, no grand Château,
Described by Baedeker or Murray,
Would I exchange for " Mon Repos, "
My little place in Surrey,
Which is indeed, in ev'ry sense,
A " Charming Bijou Residence. "
Life runs in a familiar groove:
The morning spent in giving orders
To John, the gard'ner, to remove
The groundsel from the borders;
While in the afternoon I feed
The goldfish, or uproot a weed.
But when, at five o'clock, I try
To gain some respite from my labours,
My peace too oft is broken by
An influx of The Neighbours.
They ambush me on ev'ry side,
Before I have a chance to hide.
When, in my oldest clothes arrayed,
I lounge at leisure in the garden,
Out comes Elaine (our parlourmaid)
And says: " Oh sir, beg pardon!
But, please, the Rector's come to call;
I've left 'im in the outer 'all! "
And when at last that visit ends
(The Vicar always stays for ages!),
Old Colonel Boreham brings some friends
To see my saxifrages,
Or Mrs Wiggs from " Eversleigh "
Drops in to have a cup of tea.
One day, as I proposed to take
A snooze — so grateful and reviving —
I saw Sir Corne and Lady Craik
At my front door arriving,
So hid behind a large settee,
Before they could catch sight of me.
Elaine, alas! — a deadly sin
For which she afterwards was chidden —
Without enquiry, showed them in
To where their host was hidden;
And down they sat, two yards away,
While in an agony I lay!
I felt the meanest worm of worms,
To crouch so close beside them, quailing,
While they discussed in candid terms
My each and ev'ry failing;
Nor was the situation eased
When, quite by accident, I sneezed!
Who can describe what then befell?
Its like was never drawn or painted!
For while the lady gave a yell,
Threw up her hands and fainted,
Her spouse (who never sees a joke)
Was so upset he had a stroke!
Am I unsociable, ingrate?
I must be; otherwise how is it
I fail so to appreciate
The honour of a visit
From those who come for miles to call
On folks they do not know at all?
I feel more strongly ev'ry hour
That though I need my income badly,
I would exchange it all for pow'r
To suffer neighbours gladly;
Yes, I'd surrender all my pelf
To love The Neighbours as myself!
Their marble stairs in Piccadilly;
Cocottages at Maidenhead
Leave me completely chilly;
I do not need, and never shall,
A Palace on the Grand Canal.
No Stately Home, no grand Château,
Described by Baedeker or Murray,
Would I exchange for " Mon Repos, "
My little place in Surrey,
Which is indeed, in ev'ry sense,
A " Charming Bijou Residence. "
Life runs in a familiar groove:
The morning spent in giving orders
To John, the gard'ner, to remove
The groundsel from the borders;
While in the afternoon I feed
The goldfish, or uproot a weed.
But when, at five o'clock, I try
To gain some respite from my labours,
My peace too oft is broken by
An influx of The Neighbours.
They ambush me on ev'ry side,
Before I have a chance to hide.
When, in my oldest clothes arrayed,
I lounge at leisure in the garden,
Out comes Elaine (our parlourmaid)
And says: " Oh sir, beg pardon!
But, please, the Rector's come to call;
I've left 'im in the outer 'all! "
And when at last that visit ends
(The Vicar always stays for ages!),
Old Colonel Boreham brings some friends
To see my saxifrages,
Or Mrs Wiggs from " Eversleigh "
Drops in to have a cup of tea.
One day, as I proposed to take
A snooze — so grateful and reviving —
I saw Sir Corne and Lady Craik
At my front door arriving,
So hid behind a large settee,
Before they could catch sight of me.
Elaine, alas! — a deadly sin
For which she afterwards was chidden —
Without enquiry, showed them in
To where their host was hidden;
And down they sat, two yards away,
While in an agony I lay!
I felt the meanest worm of worms,
To crouch so close beside them, quailing,
While they discussed in candid terms
My each and ev'ry failing;
Nor was the situation eased
When, quite by accident, I sneezed!
Who can describe what then befell?
Its like was never drawn or painted!
For while the lady gave a yell,
Threw up her hands and fainted,
Her spouse (who never sees a joke)
Was so upset he had a stroke!
Am I unsociable, ingrate?
I must be; otherwise how is it
I fail so to appreciate
The honour of a visit
From those who come for miles to call
On folks they do not know at all?
I feel more strongly ev'ry hour
That though I need my income badly,
I would exchange it all for pow'r
To suffer neighbours gladly;
Yes, I'd surrender all my pelf
To love The Neighbours as myself!