Classic Poem

CASES FOR THE OPINION OF DOCTOR LUSHINGTON

?Dear Doctor, in vain, by September set free,
Have I, a poor Proctor, eloped toward the sea.
This new Marriage Act, which my Lord Ellenborough
Has whisk'd through the House like a colt o'er the Curragh,
Has set the pent fears of my clients at large,—
I'm boarded by dunces, like Pope in his barge.
My bag won't contain half the Cases they draw,
The Church can't absolve, so they fly to the law.
The magistrates' clerks know not how to behave, it's
So puzzling to draw up the right affidavits:
Then how shall I pick Cupid's bone of contention,
Remote as I am from the scene of dissension?
?My client, Jack Junk, with a heart hot as Ætna,
Has cut through the knot by post-horses and Gretna.
One says the church notice must not be a scrawl;
One says there is no need of notice at all;
A third swears it must be in black and in white;
A fourth hints that, where neither party can write,
A cross is sufficient; forgetting, of course,
That a cross before marriage is cart before horse.
?My female complainants are equally busy,
And ply me with plaints till I'm really dizzy.
Miss Struggle, aged fifty, still baiting Love's trap,
Asks who keeps the children, should Hymen's chain snap.
Miss Blue, equi-wrinkled, has dipp'd me in ink,
With doubts on divorces à mens. and è vinc.
Aunt Jane understands it; her niece Mary Anne
Says she cannot conceive—others say that she can;
And gladly would hie to St. George's full trot,
To clench Cupid's nail while the iron is hot.
To flourish my flail, feather mounted, and draw
A handful of wheat from a barn full of straw,
Five cases I've hit on, in Cupid's dominion,
Of which I request your advice and opinion.
?Case one —Kitty Crocodile married Ned Bray,
And swore she would honour, and love, and obey
The honeymoon over, thorns mingle with roses,
And Ned's upper head is the picture of Moses.
Love, honour, obey, toll a funeral knell,
Up start, in their place, hate, disdain and rebel.
You'll please to look over the statute, and say,
In case, at the next Lent Assizes, Ned Bray
Indict Mistress Kate for false swearing, can her jury
Bring the delinquent in guilty of perjury?
?Case two .—Captain Boyd, to his tailor in debt,
Adored, at the Op'ra, Ma'amselle Pirouette;
'Twas Psyche that slew him; he woo'd; she consented;
Both married in May, and in June both repented;
The steps that she took gain'd eight hundred a year,
The step that he took made that sum disappear.
Please look at the Act, and advise whether Boyd
By debt made the deed nudum pactum and void;
And say, if eight hundred per annum Miss Pirouette
May get back from Boyd, by a count Quantum meruit!
?Case three .—Martha Trist, of Saint Peter-le-Poor,
Had stuck up her notice upon her church door.
The Act (section eight) says, the wife must annex
Her proper description, age, station, and sex.
Her age, four-and-thirty, she fix'd to the door,
But somehow the wafer stuck over the four;
And Martha, if judged by some ill-temper'd men,
Would seem to have own'd to no more than thrice ten.
If Wildgoose, her spouse, should discover the flaw,
Please to say if the wedlock's avoided by law;
And if, “on the whole,” you would not deem it safer
To interline “four” at the top of the wafer.
?Case four .—Captain Sykes won the heart of Miss Dighton
While driving a dennet from Worthing to Brighton.
Her West India fortune his hot bosom stirs,
His cap and mustachios are too much for hers.
They married; the Captain was counting his gain,
When sugar and rum grew a drug in Mark-lane.
In temper both fired; 'twas a word and a blow;
(See Dibdin's Reports, Captain Wattle and Roe;)
And both, while the stool is at either head flung,
Try to tear with their teeth what they tied with their tongue.
Please to study the Act for this couple, and tell 'em
If they can't be replaced “ statu quo ante bellum .”
?Case five .—Doctor Swapp'em, allied to a peer,
Has farm'd his great tithes for five thousand a year
He never is vex'd but when pheasants are wild;
And got a rich helpmate who bore him no child
The curate of Swapp'em is pious and thrifty,
His annual stipend in pounds mounts to fifty;
His helpmate in annual parturience is seen,
His children already amount of fifteen.
While keeping the dictum Ecclesiæ in view,
(God never sends mouths without sending bread too,)
You'll please to advise if the Act has a clause
To marshal the bread, or to average the jaws.
?But see, while my pen your opinion implores,
Fresh couples, love-stricken, besiege the church doors.
The porch of St. Anne's ninety couple disgorges,
Thrice ninety stand fix'd on the steps of St. George's;
The fresh and the jaded promiscuously mingle,
Some seek to get married, some seek to get single:
While those , sage Civilian, you're fettering, please
To hit on a scheme to emancipate these ,
Teach mortals, who find, like the man who slew Turnus,
A marvellous facile descent to Avernus,
Like him, back their Pluto-bound steps to recall,
And breathe the light either of Bachelors' Hall:
Do this, through my medium, dear Doctor, and then
Ere Easter my life on't, we both are made men;
My purse shall swell, laden by fee upon fee,
King Proctor, in war-time, were nothing to me:
While you, happy man, down Pactolus's tide
Your silver-oar'd galley triumphant shall guide,
And whirl'd in no eddy, o'ertaken by no ill,
Reign Hymen's Arch-Chancellor, vice Lord Stowell.