Classic Poem

Coom in, sir, I've wiped the cheeir, sit down; yees, I'll taäke yur hat,
Ay, it's a straänge owd-fanned owd thing. Doän't touch her, she'll scrat!
Theer now, sir, I could tell ye soom things along of own cat.

Nivver was parshal to tabbies, and black uns is awkard and queer,
Allays alookin' in when you doän't expec' that they're neär,
Cooms fro' the divil, fwoäks saäy, to listen and let 'im heär.

But, howivver, if ivver the divil was plagued wi' a cat hissen,
It's wi' Tortossy-shell i' the winder, why, talk o' nine lives, she's ten!
Theer ain't sich a clivir owd thieäf, noä not fur miles i' the Fen.

We've nivver no 'casion to buy, fur whenivver my laädy cooms in,
After layin' fur daäys in the deyke, — you may tell by the drip ov her skin —
Sheä's sewer to coom straängen fat, thoff her leg beä mashed oop i' a gin.

Not that she wur soä allays, as a kit she was maäzin graäve,
Reg'lar born Wesleyan, and mind ye, knew how to behaäve;
Lor' when muther wur bad, how she maäde the choorch minister raäve!

Fur muther wur took quoite suddent i' one of her brownkittey fits,
And parson he coomed and 'e reäd reight thruff her favourite bits,
And all muther sed at the hend was, " Lawks, 'ow quoiet cat sits. "

And 'e gloomed, and 'e shet the book and sez 'e, " Cat's ain't in the Word,
And hadn't she need o' comfort, and wasn't it quoite absurd
Fur 'im to beä reädin' Paul, and nivver a verse to beä heard. "

Quoite a Quaäker cat she wur, soä sober and taäme,
But Squire's sons got at her and plaäyed her " the strawberry game, "
And ivver sin that the critter warn't what you might call the saäme.

Fur they buttered twoä oyster tubs, and set' em each side o' the bed,
Ran a long twine fro' the twoä, put a ring-collar oäver'er 'ead,
And " theer she might find hersen i' meät wi' blackbirds, " they sed.

It was oop and down i' the strawberry beds she was made to fleeä,
Bangin' hersen to bits, and the lads they laughed to seeä,
Scared the birds furst-raäte, but was nivver the saäme to meä.

And she addled meä nowt by the job, thoff the critter 'ed sarved 'em true,
Not so much as a berry fur thanks, — and the cat spoilt too —
She didn't yeät, but I reckon cat's missis could yeät a few.

Pussy, thou knoäst we are talkin' o' theeä — do ye 'eär 'ow she purrs?
Cats is sensible things, you maäy tell by the sparks i' theer furs —
'Lectric — doctor, 'e maäkes the stuff i' a box that whirrs.

But, howivver, the cat went wild and turned oop 'er noäse at a mouse,
Thieäved at the coops she did till the neähbours gev' 'er the souse,
And she coomed hoame wringin' wet wi' a string round 'er neck to the house.

It bothered feyther a deäl to sarve muther's cat that waäy,
And 'e tongued 'em and called 'em adeäl, and they went oop o' Session daäy,
And blaämt if the Justices didn't consent to maäke 'im paäy!

But things went fro' wuss to wuss till the neähbours was all turned foe,
And we cudn't keeap pussy at hoäm and we judged the poor thing mun goä,
And feyther 'e gev' 'is consent with a " hiff " and a " spoäsin' soä. "

But 'e begged like a lawyer i' wig and gown, " She was friend o' his wife
As wur deäd, and was we sewer that 'er endin' wud end the strife.
He'd deäl reyther kill a pig. " And the cat sat purrin' fur life.

But yon hypocrite theer i' the winder, she didn't git hoäver us
Wi' all her soft sawdrin' purr, ivvery daäy she wur cause o' some fuss,
And 'er manners abowt the house wur grawin' from bad to wuss.

And feyther at last gev' in, " Now, gells, " sez 'e, " you'll greeä,
If the critter, maäde oop i' a poäke to beä drowned i' the dreän, gits freeä,
You noän on you doän't nivver ask for 'er condemnation fro' meä. "

Well, hincourse, the thing was sattled i' terms, and the poäke wur browt,
And a couple o' bricks, and the cat popped in — by goy! 'ow she fowt, —
And feyther he took the twine and 'e neeädled awaäy like owt.

Awaäy to the dreän we went, and the neähbours set oop a cheeär,
" White noäsed doä i' the hutch won't yeät 'er young uns to yeär!
Fwoäks maäy goä to market, and chickens weän't beä soä deär. "

It wur dusk when we splashed 'er in, and Tortossy-shell went down,
Bagged wi' a couple o' bricks she wur sartin sewer to drown,
And the fwoäks cried owt, " We're shut o' the clivirest thieäf i' the town. "

But blaämt if the very saäme night, when all on us got to bed,
If we didn't 'ear Tortossy mew, " Mun beä Tortossy's ghoäst, " we sed;
But the ghoäst cud kill rabbits, 'owivver, that night theer wur threeä on 'em dead.

And theer i' the morn when we hoppened the door, owtside, i' the mat,
A-lickin' the fur fro' 'er lips and groomin' 'ersen, who sat,
And pleased and peart as a queen? howr owd-fanned Tortossy cat!

Howivver owd Tortossy scheämed 'ersen freeä we cudn't decide,
But feyther'e called us all round o' the night afoor 'e died,
And sez he, " Gells, I neädled yon cat i' the poäke, but the knots wur noän on 'em tied. "