Classic Poem

To an Attorney .

S IR ,

Hearing you now are come to Town,
I bid you welcome, tho' unknown;
You, the Fav'rite of Apollo,
Lead up the Van while we but follow.
Permit me then, the hindmost of the Rear,
To render Tribute due,
Altho' too mean for you.
Since I can't write heroick Verse,
Nor durst presume I to reherse
A Merit so exact,
As you each Moment make appear,
In ev'ry Word and Act.
But Sir, what News from — — pray,
Who's dead or married? what befel,
And hath induc'd this tedious Stay?
I hope your Friends are well?
Or was it Duty led by filial Care,
Made you so long leave us to court your native Air?

II.

Each long Vacation you are gone,
And rural Sports enjoy,
While London is not thought upon
Till Term approaches nigh.
And brings ye Lawyers up with rapid Course;
Swifter than Pegasean Horse
Ye fly to Town, and ride up Post,
But make your Clients pay the Cost:
Their Pericraniums then to please,
You load with awk'ard Words like these.
On Scire Facias I'll extend
An Outlawry, then must you send
An Affidavit made upon
The Nist-Prius to plead on:
This I report, non est juventus,
Then on the Posse Comitatus,
The Bench awards as necessary,
Execution and Certiorary.
Habeas Corpus's, good Store,
Subpaena's, Writs, you must and more
Then I have Leisure now to tell,
But leave your Cause an't shall go well:
For rather than it should be lost,
I will instruct some Knights o' th' Post.

III.

Thus puzzle ye their dull litigious Brains,
While some poor Souls believe it Conjuration,
And at your Shrines pay humble Adoration,
True Votaries to your Vocation.
This may perhaps to Years extend:
But when you find Purse at an End,
The Contra-Lawyers soon agree,
And eat the Oyster for their Fee.
While gaping Client gets an empty Shell,
With vostre Serviteur Monsieur farewel.
Then all the Comfort that remains,
Is to see Asses drudge for others Gains.