Classic Poem

PUPIL .

Happy to find you, sirs, in congregation assembled;
For the one needful thing I would inquire of you.

ARISTOTLE .

Come to the point, my friend; we take the " Jena Gazette " here
Down in Hell, so we know all that a body may need.

PUPIL .

That is well, for I want — and you'll have no peace till I get it —
Some respectable saw of universal applause.

FIRST PHILOSOPHER .

Cogito, ergo sum. — I think, so have an existence!
Is the premiss assured, certainly true is the rest.

PUPIL .

Then if I think, I am ; but I can't be eternally thinking,
And I have lived for long, guiltless of ever a thought.

SECOND PHILOSOPHER .

Since existence there is, there is also a super-existence.
In that state we float, floundering, every one.

THIRD PHILOSOPHER .

I say just the reverse. I only have an existence;
Everything outside me is but a bubble of air.

FOURTH PHILOSOPHER .

I will admit two things exist — a world and a spirit;
Nothing more, and these really synonymous are.

FIFTH PHILOSOPHER .

Of your existence I know — well, nought — and nought of your spirit;
Both I vaguely discern, but they are phantoms alone.

SIXTH PHILOSOPHER .

I am I, and establish myself, and if I establish
That disestablished I am, there is a negative proved.

SEVENTH PHILOSOPHER .

Imagination exists: there is then something imagined;
Throw the imaginer in, three is your total in all.

PUPIL .

All that ye say, good sirs, I value not at a bawbee;
Give me a telling phrase — one with a meaning, I pray.

EIGHTH PHILOSOPHER .

Where mere theory rules no more remains for invention;
But this saw holds good: — " Ever you can, if you ought! "

PUPIL .

Oh! I observe when a man has no more sensible answer,
Plump he makes a plunge into the conscience at once.

DAVID HUME .

Pay no heed to the mob! That Kant has addled its reason.
Rather apply to me, trustworthy even in hell.

A POINT OF LAW .

Many a year have I used my nose for the purpose of smelling;
Now I desire to know, have I, as user, a right?

PUFFENDORF .

Rather an awkward point! But you prove early possession,
Which is much: so I say, use it again and again!

SCRUPLES OF CONSCIENCE .

Ever I seek my friends to oblige, and, unluckily, like it;
For then conscience asks: — where does the virtue come in?

CONCLUSION .

Only one method I see, do what you can to despise them;
Then you may sulkily yield all that a conscience demands.