Classic Poem

When Miss Burney's " Evelina "
In her " delicate distress "
Leaned upon her stalwart lover
Till her " fragile loveliness "
Filled him with immoderate ardor —
This despite his calm endeavor —
And he murmured " Lovely Burden,
Why, ah! why not thus forever? "
Then the " Ultimate Consumer "
Knew the climax was at hand,
And it did not take unusual
Subtlety to understand!

In the " Children of the Abbey, " —
Have you ever read that book? —
There the heroine had " vapors "
If she ever undertook
Anything at all emotional,
But the hero would forgive
While he kissed her tear and called it
" Just a pearly fugitive " —
And the " Ultimate Consumer "
Almost felt himself unmanned
By the purity and pathos
Which he, too, could understand!

In our day of modern Isms
'Tis a very different thing,
For the " Ultimate Consumer "
Finds a circus — a three-ring —
If he wishes to be cultured,
And he strives so very hard,
He must try a dip in Ethics,
He must battle with a bard
Quite unlike the soothing singer
Which the Eighties did demand
And the " Ultimate Consumer "
Really cannot understand.

He must take a dab at Science
Some time in his busy day —
He must feed on bits of faience
In a most artistic way, —
All the question of the sexes,
Intricate though it may be,
He must solve, although it vexes
Much his innate modesty;
Books on china, be it crockery
Or the ancient Manchu-land, —
How to make a garden rockery
He must fully understand!

He must bow to polyphonic,
Unpoetic, parlous prose
(And for this he needs a tonic
Stronger than his nature knows) —
He must struggle till he catches
Faintly at the hazy gist
Of the cults, — in sudden snatches,
Futurist or Feminist, —
He must tackle every " newness, "
And, believe me, it takes sand,
Till he sometimes feels discouraged,
For he does not understand!
He must soar with Henri Bergson,
He must sneer with Bernard Shaw,
He must ask the Swedish Ellen
For the key to Free-Love lore,
He must thrill to the dramatic
" Damaged " quality of " Goods "
Which were better in an attic
Kept with other poisoned foods;
He must let his lower feelings
To a flame be fiercely fanned
Just to keep himself " eugenic, "
But how can he understand?

Ah! dear Authors, let me ask you,
I, the " Ultimate Consumer, "
I, whose rapid dissolution
Borders on a " Russian Duma, "
Could you not, — I only ask you, —
Be at times more clarifying,
Like a Shakespeare, or a Sappho,
Winged word with thought undying — ?
Socrates and all the Sages,
Prophets from a far-off land,
Thunder down the deathless ages
Thoughts we still can understand!