Classic Poem

M URGATROYD Pell was a virtuous man,
No shadow of scandal had touched his fair name.
His life was a book that all persons could scan,
And he worked in the " retail gents' furnishing game. "

His habits were plain; with his excellent wife
And his three lovely children in peace he did dwell,
For no breath of suspicion had e'er touched the life
Of that virtuous citizen, Murgatroyd Pell.

Now it happened one night that the powers that be,
In discussing their plans for the coming campaign,
Decided they needed a candidate, free
From all scandalous taint or suggestion of stain.

Then Merivale Schultz, the political boss,
Exclaimed: " I'm afraid that the outlook is black,
For I can't find a man who can put it across —
Whose career can withstand our opponents' attack. "

Then up spake a henchman named Murdock J. Hoe:
" There is one we can name whom you all know quite well.
His life is as pure as the fresh fallen snow,
That virtuous citizen, Murgatroyd Pell. "

That night a committee with flags and a band
Proceeded to Murgatroyd's modest abode.
" My friends, " he exclaimed as they each grasped his hand,
" I am proud of the honor that you have bestowed! "

Next morning at breakfast while eating his toast,
And perusing the newspaper lying near by,
Poor Murgatroyd Pell turned as pale as a ghost,
And he shrieked at the headlines that greeted his eye.

" FAMOUS EX-BURGLAR AND CONVICT, " he read,
" MURGATROYD PELL SEEKS ELECTION THIS FALL.
CANDIDATE ONCE SHOT HIS GRANDMOTHER DEAD
AND MURDERED HIS UNCLE AND AUNT IN A BRAWL. "

Then his excellent wife gave a heart-rending cry
As she fell from her chair in an agonized faint.
" Oh, Murgatroyd darling, please say it's a lie!
Just read what they've written, and tell me it ain't! "

" BIGAMIST CANDIDATE PELL'S DOUBLE LIFE.
PAPER EXPOSES HIS DASTARDLY PLOTS.
FAMOUS EX-CONVICT ABANDONED FIRST WIFE
AND LEFT HER TO STARVE WITH HER SIX LITTLE TOTS. "

Poor Murgatroyd Pell staggered out of the door,
And he passed down the street with his head bowed in shame.
With faltering footsteps he slunk to the store
Where he worked in the retail gents' furnishing game.

His friends and his neighbors observed him draw near.
They stared at him coldly with stern icy looks,
" There's Murgatroyd Pell, " they remarked with a sneer.
" That cowardly villain, that vilest of crooks. "

He was hopelessly licked that November, of course.
When they counted the yotes, he had less than a score.
His wife instituted a suit for divorce,
And the Bankruptcy Court closed his furnishing store.

The moral is clear; let those read who would run:
If you dwell in contentment and prize your good name,
Political office most carefully shun,
And stick to the retail gents' furnishing game.