Classic Poem

Supposed to be spoken before the University of C AMBRIDGE .

I' VE very often heard what Fear can do,
But never found the sad Effects till now;
And now my Face in sober Sadness shows it,
But hush — before each teazing Coxcomb knows it.

P RAY Sirs, forgive me if I shrewdly guess,
The latent Meaning of this sable Dress;
Did not I know ye, I should think ye come;
Like Ravens, to foretel our Poet's Doom;
But since we act the Funeral to-day,
We'll but suppose ye Mourners in the Play.

Y ET thanks to Fate, some dawning Hopes appear,
Break thro' the Gloom, and gild the low'ring Sphere,
Lo! Comet-like the Commoners arise,
And as the streaming Light'ning gild the Skies,
But thank 'em, they're too witty to be wise.
Like Light'ning, yet I fear, they'll blast our Toil,
And wound the very Place, on which they smile.

B UT O ye Sophs, ye mighty Men of Wit!
You that so well can lord it o'er a Pit!
For once guard this with ruminating Face,
And stand the solemn Guardians of the Place!
Clear it from snearing, sly, pretending Fools,
And lug the beardless Criticks to the Schools:
So may the Fresh-men ev'ry Pun approve,
So may your Puns the Fresh-men Jokes reprove.
So may your Gravities with equal Ease,
Guzzle fat College-Ale, or take Degrees,
Turn Pedants, Parsons, Criticks, what ye please.

B UT if the Play's intolerably bad,
And nothing but Damnation can be had;
Torment it with your criticising Tools,
Time, Place, and Characters, and twenty Rules;
Nay, use it like a Fresh-man in the Schools.
But pray, good surly Gentlemen, be sure ye
Observe the just Decorum of a Fury;
And this, among the rest, a Maxim hold,
That , Vixens always clap their Hands and scold .