Classic Poem

AN AUTO-BUY-O-GRAPHIC BALLAD

" Now whither and whither, Lord Ronald so gay,
And whither so free and so far? "
" I haste to the Bounds o' the Great White Way
To choose me a Motor-Car. "

" And what of the Car that ye mean to buy —
Its name and its Pedigree? "
" Oh, ask of the Wind in the sounding Sky,
But ask not that of me!

" For it may be a Leal or a Pupmobile,
A Krag or a Biff-McClung; —
For many, ye ken, are the Motor Men
And marvelous glib of Tongue.

" It may be a Czar or a Kwiggle-Kar,
Or else, for aught I know,
A Reinhardt-Fritz or a Dunderblitz
Or a Clement-Rochefoucauld.

" For vowed am I to a Mission high —
To search from East to West
All Lands that are till I find the Car
Which is approved the Best.

" For I have sworn to my Lady Jane
By her milk-white hand so small
That none will I take for her sweet Sake,
Until I have seen them all! "

Lord Ronald was come to a proud Garage
That stood by a dismal Fen;
And there, by the Sound of their Persiflage,
He knew were the Motor Men.

And one there was with the Eagle Eye,
The Face of the Hatchet True,
The Shell-rimmed Glass and the Bulgar Tie
And the Collar edged with blue.

Oh, Rubies four had the Ring he wore,
His Coat had the Latest Shape;
And his Cheek, shaved clean by a Razor keen,
Was the Cheek of the Brazen Ape.

He haled the Knight by the Fingers wan
To where with Radiance crowned,
A Golden Car was throned upon
A Turning-table round.

Oh, twice he bowed and thrice he bowed
Before that Golden Chaise;
Then full and strong and loud and long
He sang its Hymn of Praise:
" Approach! Approach! redoubted Knight! Approach, oh, lucky Neophyte, and view upon this wooden Stage the Wonder of the Horseless Age; the King, the Ace, the Jack and Queen of all that runs by Gasoline; Invention's Incandescent Star, the Unexampled Kwiggle-Kar! The Motor, first: I wish to state the Cylinders (they number eight with Tungsten Valves) are cast en bloc; and steady, steady as a Clock this Shaft of Higginbotham Steel propels the Patent Caisson Wheel which cannot slip in Mud or Mire because it wears the Skidmore Tire. Observe the Sweep from Front to Rear! — the Spiral Bevel Axle Gear, the Floating Axle, Intake Pipe, the Carburetor (Ogham type)! Can Future Ages say too much about our Multimetal Clutch — the Brake that never disappoints, the Banning Universal Joints? Remark our patent " Sudden Stop"! Oh, see our Spanish Leather Top, the easy-swinging Pinchless Door, the Turkish Rug upon the Floor! The Cushions, neatly tilted there, are stuffed with Hand-picked Monkey Hair. The Roland Horn — the Oval Springs — the Case for Goggles, Gloves, and Things — Ignition — Circulation — Splash — Transmission — Spark Plug — Bumper — Dash — Magneto — Radiator — Feed — Control Equipment — Starter — Speed! — "

He gasped and he clutched at the Atmosphere,
He fell to the Parquet Floor.
Lord Ronald bequeathed him a Silent Tear
And went to the Shop Next Door.

" Come hither! " he cried to the Man in Charge,
" O thou of the Stately Mien,
And tell of the Merits both small and large
Possessed of thy Buzz machine!

" For far have I ridden and far must ride
Abroad on my Knightly Quest
To find, of all Cars in the World so wide,
That Car which is proved the Best. "

The Motor Man rose from a Mission Bench
That was of the Quartered Oak,
And, beating the Air with a Monkey Wrench,
His rhythmical Piece he spoke:
" They brag — yet do not heed howe'er these others boast of Safety, Smoothness, Speed, or Trips from Coast to Coast. For even if they show a Vase for Silken Flowers, they have not — well they know! — a WIND SHIELD like to ours! All others in the Field lament: " Alack, alas! we cannot match this Shield which is not made of Glass"! 'Tis cut of Crystal clear that may not crack or dim; who has it need not fear, for naught can injure him. Behold! you set it straight or slant it as you please, at seven, twenty-eight, or forty-five Degrees! It stops the Icy Blast, repels the Dusty Gust; it makes the Car run fast, it keeps the Parts from Rust. It keeps the Engine clean, it keeps the Tires sound, it saves the Gasoline, it makes the Wheels go round. With deep, despairing Groans our Rivals have to yield! Then buy the Car that owns this Ne Plus Ultra Shield! "

Sore tempted was Ronald, but heaved a Sigh
And quoth as he left that Hall:
" Nay, never a Motor I dare to buy
Until I have seen them all! "

And many and fair, aye, many and rare
Were the Cars that his Eyes had seen
When he entered a Store with a Rosewood Floor —
A Place for a Royal Queen.

Each Lamp that glowed in that bright Abode
Was pure as a Maiden's Tear;
The Curtains that rolled from their Rods of Gold
Were pink as a Bashful Ear.

Of Onyx rich were the Columns, which
Were smooth as the Watered Silk,
And lighted through with the faint, far Blue
That shines on the City Milk.

And there in the Shade of its Rose-leaf Hood,
At rest in a Corner snug,
A Car that was built for a Fairy stood,
Its Wheels on a Persian Rug.

A Squire rose up from a Velvet Seat
And beamed on the Worthy Knight,
And chanted his Tale in a Voice as sweet
As the Trill of a Lark in Flight:
" Rest, happy Traveler! Gaze upon the Car that's called the Oberon. A Beam of Light, a winged Flower, the Car that moves by Secret Power. What need to praise its Perfect Parts? Address it gently, and it starts. Just speak to it in kindly wise, and swiftly, softly, off it flies. Without a Murmur, Creak, or Jar, as silent as a Shooting Star it drifts along the Fragrant Miles, and when it sees a Hill it smiles! A Thing of Joy and Love and Song, it sweeps along, along, along, transporting them that ride within afar from Trouble, Toil, and Sin! "

He turned on Lord Ronald his Eye so brown
And paused in his lilting Lay.
But Ronald had fallen adown, adown,
A-swooning in Bliss away!

They gathered him up and they bore him home —
Six proper young Men and tall.
He opened one Eye as the Stair they clomb
And sighed: " I have seen them all! "

They laid him to rest in his downy Bed
To comfort his weary Brain;
And tender and cool on his fevered Head
Was the Hand of his Lady Jane.

And long did he fare, in the Realms of Dream,
Anew on his Knightly Quest.
And long did he ponder the Mighty Theme —
" Which Car shall be held the Best? "

He pondered the Words of the Motor Men,
Their Reasons of Pith and Force;
He visioned those Glorious Cars, and then
He rose and bought a Horse!