Classic Poem

AT many grand Routs in my time I have been,
And many fine Rooms to be sure I have seen;
Al Fresco 's, rich Gala 's, Ridotto 's, and Balls ,
From Carlisle 's sweet palace to black City halls;
From Almack 's Long-Room to the Inn at Devizes ,
From birth-night eclat to the dance at Assizes:
All these have I serv'd at these twelve years or more,
Yet faith I've seen here —what I ne'er saw before.
?You'd like a description, I'm sure, my dear brother,
For fifty to one we may n't have such another.
I told in my last of the new alterations,
Of all our confusion and grand preparations;
I think too I mention'd a secret affair,
How all had been nearly knock'd up by the May'r:
It seems tho' that all their parading and bouncing
Was caus'd by a little mistake in pronouncing;
The Aldermen heard that strange whims we had got here,
And meant to exhibit a flaming Red Otter;
This well they conceiv'd was a shameful abuse,
And hinted their fears should it ever break loose;
Or chain'd e'er so fast, we had little to brag on,
In building a palace to hold a great dragon:
However, at last they were eas'd of their fright,
And Monday was fix'd for the wonderful night.
At seven we open'd, and not very long
Before all the passages smoak'd with the throng;
All dress'd in their best—for great Marshall Wade ,
For Fear the Coup de' Oïel should be darken'd by shade,
Had issued his orders to dizen the back,
With singular caution 'gainst wearing of black;
In gaudes all must shine, he had given them warning,
Tho' the ghosts of their kindred should bellow for mourning;
Nay more, this grand festival night to denote,
No creature must come with a cape to his coat;
Full trimm'd they should be, tho' a French frock would do,
But Officers must be in livery queüe:
And yet for all this, there were some so uncivil,
They came in their dolefuls as black as the devil;
Nay Cornets clapp'd bags to their soldiery locks,
And many performed in common fly frocks.
Two rooms were first open'd—the long and the round one—
(These Hogstyegon names only serve to confound one)
Both splendidly lit with the new chandeliers,
With drops hanging down like the bobs at Peg 's ears,
While jewels of paste reflected the rays,
And Bristol-stone di'monds gave strength to the blaze:
So that it was doubtful, to view the bright clusters,
Which sent the most light out, the ear-rings or lustres.
But here I must mention the best thing of all,
And what I'm inform'd ever marks a Bath ball;
The Variety 'tis which so reign'd in the crew,
That turn where one would the classes were new;
For here no dull level of rank and degrees,
No uniform mode, that shews all are at ease;
But like a chess table, part black and part white,
'Twas a delicate checquer of low and polite ;
The motley assemblage so blended together,
'Twas Mob, or Ridotto—'twas both, or 'twas neither.
Here Taylors, in bags, might contemplate at leisure
Fine dress coats, for which they'd last week taken measure;
Or if a stich broke in a gentleman's pump,
Some Crispin be sure had an awl at his rump;
Or should Lady's coïef be derang'd in the fright,
Three to one her next neighbour could set it to right;
To blame such a mixture were surely abuseful ,
When one out of three might be really useful.—
Nor less among you was the medley, ye fair!
I believe there were some beside Quality there:
Miss Spiggot , Miss Brussels , Miss Tape , and Miss Socket ,
Miss Trinket , and aunt, with her leathern pocket;
With good Mrs Soaker , who made her old chin go,
For hours, hob-nobbing with Mrs. Syringo;
Had Tib staid at home, I b'lieve none would have miss'd her,
Or pretty Peg Runt , with her tight little sister:
But blame not Pinkinny herself for adorning;—
Her gown—was the gown which she made in the morning;
Miss Chain-stich had ruffles she tore without sorrow,
'Twas mending-lace day behind counter to-morrow.
From Bristol too come many dames of high breeding;—
Seven Shillings was money —but then there was feeding:
Nay more—there were some this grand ball to adorn,
Whose husbands were puffing above at the horn:
O, spare not your Cornu's! secure you may blow—
Your spouses are planning you fresh ones below:
But sure I was charm'd to behold little Rona
Jig it down all in time to her husband's cremona;
While he, happy mortal, at sight of his love,
In sympathy beat the balcony above.—
But—silence, ye hautboys! ye fiddles, be dumb!
Ye dancers, stop instant— THE H OUR is come;
The great—the all-wonderful hour—of E ATING !
That hour—for which ye all know you've been waiting,
Well, the doors were unbolted, and in they all rush'd;
They crouded, they jostled, they jockey'd, and push'd:
Thus at a Mayor's feast, a disorderly mob
Breaks in after dinner to plunder and rob.—
I mean not by this to reflect on the gentry,
I'd only illustrate the mode of their entry;
For certain I am they meant no such foul play,
But only were wishing to help us away:
I believe too their hurry in clearing the platters
Was all in compassion to us the poor waiters;
In London I'm sure I've been kept many hours
In dangling attendance with sweetmeats and flow'rs;
But here , as if studious to ease us of trouble,
Each guest play'd his part, as if he'd paid double;
In files they march'd up to the sideboards, while each
Laid hands upon all the good things in his reach;
There stuck to his part, cramm'd while he was able,
And then carried off all he could from the table:
Our outworks they storm'd with prowess most manful,
And jellies and cakes carried off by the handful;
While some our lines enter'd, with courage undaunted,
Nor quitted the trench till they'd got what they wanted.
There was Mrs. M'Ribband , and Mrs. Vancasket ,
I believe from my soul they went halves in a basket;
While lank Madam Crib'em so work'd her old jaw,
Tom Handlesflask swore she'd a pouch in her maw:
But let not the smirking Dame Patch be forgot here,
Who ate like her lap-dog, and drank like an Otter;
Nor pïous Miss Churchface , whatever 'twas brought her,
Unless to crib cakes for her landlady's daughter;
However, the viands went off at such rate,
A lady's toupee often knock'd down a plate,
And many confess'd a fat citizen's belly
Aterrible stop to the progress of jelly;
While salvers of biscuits around their ears flew,
O'erturn'd by the whisk of an officer's queüe;
And thus in ten minutes one half of the treat
Made a pretty check carpet squash'd under their feet.
O 'twas pleasing to see a collection of beaux
Parading with large macarons at their toes;
Or a delicate nymph give a languishing reel
On a marmalade kissing her little French heel.
So you see, my dear Hal , they bore all things before 'em,
And trampled on sweetmeats as well as decorum .
Our good prudent Lords had indeed given word
Not to trust any vessels away from the board;
For my part, I thought them so much in the right,
I fretted to see but a spoon out of sight;
Tho' 'twere best to have had 'em sure, had we been able,
As 'tis at St. Giles's, all chain'd to the table:
I must tho' in justice declare, that as yet
I hear of nought missing—but what could be eat—
If dispatch is a virtue, I here must aver it,
The whole congregation had infinite merit;
For sure, my dear Hal , you'll be charmed to hear
That within half an hour all the tables were clear.
The rest, Hal , you know, is for ever the same,
With chatt'ring, and dancing, and all the old game;
Cotillons in one room, country-dance in another,
In ev'ry room— folly, confusion , and pother !
With unmeaning questions, of “which room's the hotter?”
And, “Madam, pray how do you like the Rudotter ?
“To see Capt. Plume dance—sure none can dislike him—
“Wade 's picture, I think, is purdigiously like him—
“Do you dance, Sir, to-night?”—“No, Ma'am, I do not:”
“I don't wonder at it, 'tis suffoking hot.”
But you, Hal , have heard out first quality praters,
Who English ne'er talk—but when d-mn-ng the waiters:
So I need only say, that at one all withdrew,
Which gives me the hint now to bid you adieu;
So believe me sincerely,