Rivals, The; or the Showman's Ruse
A TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ONE ACT
PERSONS REPRESENTED
BILLY M ILLER
J OHNNY W ILLIAMS
T OMMY W ELLS
The Rivals
Conspirator T IME — Noon. S CENE — Country Town — Rear view of the Miller Mansion, showing Barn, with practical loft-window opening on alley-way, with colored-crayon poster on wall beneath, announcing: — " B ILLY M ILLER 's Big Show and Monstur Circus and Equareum! A shour-bath fer Each and All fer 20 pins. This Afternoon! Don't fer git the Date! " Enter T OMMY W ELLS and J OHNNY W ILLIAMS , who gaze a while at poster , T OMMY secretly smiling and winking at B ILLY M ILLER , concealed at loft-window above .
T OMMY [ To J OHNNY ]
Guess 'at Billy hain't got back, —
Can't see nothin' through the crack —
Can't hear nothin' neether — No!
. . . Thinks he's got the dandy show,
Don't he?
J OHNNY [ Scornfully ]
'Course! but what I care? —
He hain't got no show in there! —
What's he got in there but that
Old hen, cooped up with a cat
An' a turkle, an' that thing
'At he calls his " circus-ring " ?
What a " circus-ring " ! I'd quit!
Bet mine's twic't as big as it!
T OMMY
Yes, but you got no machine
W'at you bathe with, painted green,
With a string to work it, guess!
J OHNNY [ Contemptuously ]
Folks don't bathe in circuses! —
Ladies comes to mine , you bet!
I' got seats where girls can set;
An' a dressin'-room, an' all,
Fixed up in my pony's stall —
Yes, an' I got carpet , too,
Fer the tumblers, an' a blue
Center-pole!
T OMMY
Well, Billy, he's
Got a tight-rope an' trapeze,
An' a hoop 'at he jumps through
Head-first!
J OHNNY
Well, what's that to do —
Lightin' on a pile o' hay?
Hain't no actin' thataway!
T OMMY
Don't care what you say, he draws
Bigger crowds than you do, 'cause
Sence he started up, I know
All the fellers says his show
Is the best-un!
J OHNNY
Yes, an' he
Better not tell things on me!
His old circus hain't no good! —
'Cause he's got the neighborhood
Down on me he thinks 'at I'm
Goin' to stand it all the time;
Thinks ist 'cause my Pa don't 'low
Me to fight, he's got me now,
An' can say I lie, an' call
Me ist anything at all!
Billy Miller thinks I am
'Feard to say 'at he says " dam " —
Yes, an' worser ones! an' I'm
Goin' to tell his folks sometime! —
An' ef he don't shet his head
I'll tell worse 'an that he said
When he fighted Willie King —
An' got licked like ever'thing! —
Billy Miller better shin
Down his Daddy's lane ag'in,
Like a cowardy-calf, an' climb
In fer home another time!
Better — [ Here B ILLY leaps down from the loft upon his unsuspecting victim; and two minutes later , J OHNNY , with the half of a straw hat, a bleeding nose, and a straight rent across one trousers-knee, makes his inglorious — exit .]
PERSONS REPRESENTED
BILLY M ILLER
J OHNNY W ILLIAMS
T OMMY W ELLS
The Rivals
Conspirator T IME — Noon. S CENE — Country Town — Rear view of the Miller Mansion, showing Barn, with practical loft-window opening on alley-way, with colored-crayon poster on wall beneath, announcing: — " B ILLY M ILLER 's Big Show and Monstur Circus and Equareum! A shour-bath fer Each and All fer 20 pins. This Afternoon! Don't fer git the Date! " Enter T OMMY W ELLS and J OHNNY W ILLIAMS , who gaze a while at poster , T OMMY secretly smiling and winking at B ILLY M ILLER , concealed at loft-window above .
T OMMY [ To J OHNNY ]
Guess 'at Billy hain't got back, —
Can't see nothin' through the crack —
Can't hear nothin' neether — No!
. . . Thinks he's got the dandy show,
Don't he?
J OHNNY [ Scornfully ]
'Course! but what I care? —
He hain't got no show in there! —
What's he got in there but that
Old hen, cooped up with a cat
An' a turkle, an' that thing
'At he calls his " circus-ring " ?
What a " circus-ring " ! I'd quit!
Bet mine's twic't as big as it!
T OMMY
Yes, but you got no machine
W'at you bathe with, painted green,
With a string to work it, guess!
J OHNNY [ Contemptuously ]
Folks don't bathe in circuses! —
Ladies comes to mine , you bet!
I' got seats where girls can set;
An' a dressin'-room, an' all,
Fixed up in my pony's stall —
Yes, an' I got carpet , too,
Fer the tumblers, an' a blue
Center-pole!
T OMMY
Well, Billy, he's
Got a tight-rope an' trapeze,
An' a hoop 'at he jumps through
Head-first!
J OHNNY
Well, what's that to do —
Lightin' on a pile o' hay?
Hain't no actin' thataway!
T OMMY
Don't care what you say, he draws
Bigger crowds than you do, 'cause
Sence he started up, I know
All the fellers says his show
Is the best-un!
J OHNNY
Yes, an' he
Better not tell things on me!
His old circus hain't no good! —
'Cause he's got the neighborhood
Down on me he thinks 'at I'm
Goin' to stand it all the time;
Thinks ist 'cause my Pa don't 'low
Me to fight, he's got me now,
An' can say I lie, an' call
Me ist anything at all!
Billy Miller thinks I am
'Feard to say 'at he says " dam " —
Yes, an' worser ones! an' I'm
Goin' to tell his folks sometime! —
An' ef he don't shet his head
I'll tell worse 'an that he said
When he fighted Willie King —
An' got licked like ever'thing! —
Billy Miller better shin
Down his Daddy's lane ag'in,
Like a cowardy-calf, an' climb
In fer home another time!
Better — [ Here B ILLY leaps down from the loft upon his unsuspecting victim; and two minutes later , J OHNNY , with the half of a straw hat, a bleeding nose, and a straight rent across one trousers-knee, makes his inglorious — exit .]
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